Eyes Closed
by Elizabeth T. Diaries
Summary: A beautiful, intelligent, English Literature student and former ballerina, broken inside and desperate, is searching for something to finally open her eyes to the beauty of the world. Will a lonely, cold-hearted CEO billionaire and his darling 4 year-old be able to be the spark in Ana Steele's life? *AU/HEA/NO CHEATING.* *Rated M/18 for drug references, sex, and adult themes.*
1. Chapter 1

**Hi guys. I've been debating for months with this one but I've finally decided to just take the risk and post it. This is different from my other stories. It's a reflection on my original writing that I do and incorporates themes I'm much more familiar with than** _ **purely**_ **romance. This story explores a lot of other issues as well but rest assured there is a HEA as I love a HEA. My characters in this story are complex and there's definitely no insta-romance. This story will reflect reality a little more and showcases the topics I explore in other avenues. This story is rated M 18+ and explores substance abuse, sexual dependency and other mature themes.**

 **That said, it is a fifty shades fic, Christian is as hot as ever and drawn to the beautiful broken Ana. I hope you enjoy this new story, this new story, and continue to support me and leave reviews, favourite and subscribe!**

 **Chapters will be longer. This story will be updated weekly.**

 **As always, love, Elizabeth x**

* * *

 _INTRO_

We lay side by side on the grass, the sun shining directly over our faces. It's at the point where it feels uncomfortable but it doesn't matter. _Nothing_ matters anymore.

So we'll stay, and we'll burn, until the sun transforms into the moon and back again. Peace. Bliss.

 _Clarity._

My mind takes me back to a thousand lifetimes ago. A different bed of grass, a different dress, the same sun and a different boy holding my hand. A time when all was right in the world and everything was perfect. But his voice asking me to open my eyes tells me that my thoughts are imaginary and I need to wake up in the real world.

He hovers over me, grinning and trying to evoke the same reaction in me. I mimic him, the way I mimic the girl in the mirror each morning as she draws on her eyeliner and brushes her hair. When his lips brush mine I part them willingly, letting his tongue wash over mine. The urge to feel close to somebody, _anybody_ , is a need I cannot escape and that is why I keep my friend so close. _Too close._

But over the last year, I've learned that if I keep my eyes closed, I can pretend he's him. His lips kissing mine, his hands all over my skin. His voice whispering in my ear while my eyes are begging me to let them cry. Even for a second, I can pretend he's here.

* * *

Several hours later, when the high has worn off, I stand. The sun has long faded and it's cold now.

"I'm going home," I tell Jose, gathering my things from the floor.

"Am I coming or not?" He asks this as he stands also.

I shake my head as I pull by bag-pack over my shoulders. I can't bring myself to look at him directly. I feel bad, but not bad enough.

"Tomorrow?" He asks hopefully.

"You know I have a test." I tell him, starting to walk. The grass is damp and it's soaking through my thin canvas shoes.

It's tragic how we didn't even realise it had been raining.

"You know you'll ace that Ana," he tells me. He places his hand in my own and I don't have the heart to push it away. "You always do."

"I still need to study for a few hours," I say.

He sighs but doesn't comment further. I sigh too and give in.

"But I'll see you tomorrow night."

The smile on his face was worth it.

Jose walks me right to my door and kisses me goodnight. It's all very sweet but a more appropriate ending to the classic dinner date and a movie. Not getting high and having a sex marathon in the abandoned field by the brook. Nevertheless, I let him.

It's okay to pretend sometimes.

* * *

When he's gone I let myself into my apartment. Round one of the evening was Jose, round 2? Katherine Kavanagh.

She's in Victoria Secret underwear sprawled out on the couch eating chips. I join her. We eat in silence for a while, watching her trashy reality show on TV.

"Sex and drugs in the park?" She asks.

I roll my eyes and reach for the TV remote.

" _Weed_ and _love making_ in the _field_." I tell her.

She looks at me and I look at her. We both burst out laughing for 5 minutes straight.

" _Lovemaking_ with Jose," she cries with laughter. "Please never say that again."

"I promise." My stomach hurts from laughing so much.

We both calm down a few seconds later. I know what's about to happen and I try to banish it away but I can't. It's what happens after I'm high and drunk.

My come downs are my breakdowns.

"Eat the rest Ana," Kate encourages me.

I shake my head and stare at my nails. They're so fucking pretty and pink. Kate made me get them done yesterday with her because she's a Barbie doll and I'm her Barbie doll protégée.

"Come here." She pulls me roughly by the arm until I'm nuzzling into her boobs. She runs her fingers through my hair as I cry.

"Let it out," she murmurs. "You'll be okay."

"I love you so much," I tell her. It's true. She's everything to me. "You know that right?"

"I know," Kate assures me. "I love you too."

She soothes me until I fall asleep. I cry myself to sleep in my best friend's arms night after night and it's the saddest thing ever.

* * *

Kate wakes me at 8am. I've had 6 hours sleep and my head feels like it's on fire. She hovers over me, fully dressed in a beautiful white skirt suit holding a large ice coffee and two tablets.

"Take these and get in the shower," she instructs. "I don't have to leave until quarter to so I'll be able to do your hair for you."

"Okay. Thank you." I take the tablets and a large sip of coffee. "You look amazing by the way."

She twirls for me and I smile. She's going to her internship today for a huge Television company. She's confident, beautiful and smarter than anyone I've ever met.

"We still need to find you something," she tells me, taking the coffee from my hand before I stand.

I stretch and yawn. "I'm an English literature major. It's hard to find internships."

"It doesn't have to be related to English right?. It can be anything. I found something interesting at Grey Enterprises Holdings but we'll look more tonight okay? Just focus on your test today. Get in the shower."

"Yes mother." I reply sarcastically.

I have my shower and eat a bowl of chocolate cereal while Kate blow dries my hair and styles it for me. In addition to being the world's greatest aspiring journalist, she's also an expert beautician who loves to use me as her number one model. When she's finished, I dress in my jeans and shirt and fix my makeup.

"You should probably be with Jose tonight," she tells me, stepping into her white Louboutin's. "I won't be back until late."

"I thought you finished at 6," I remind her, putting on my converse.

"Yeah but I've got dinner with Tiffany at 7." She doesn't quite look at me.

I make a face and roll my eyes. " _Fucking_ Tiffany Blanch. Really?"

"Stop it Ana. She's a potential business partner." She comes over to me and gives me a hug. "You know you're my number one."

"Number two after _8 inch_ Mark," I smirk.

"Oh please," she flicks her blonde hair over her shoulders as she walks to the door. "He's just a piece of ass."

I laugh and she closes the door. "GOOD LUCK." I shout. I don't know whether she hears me.

Once alone, I sit on the couch and check my phone. My test isn't until eleven so I have a few hours to kill. 4 messages from Jose and it's barely 9am.

 _1\. Morning baby, how you feeling .xox_

 _2\. Want me to grab anything for you on the way?_

 _3\. Subway? Mcdonalds? Starbucks? Let me know babe xx_

 _4\. Ana let me know! X_

I think about 4 messages that I could reply with. They'd go something like this:

 _1\. I'm sorry_

 _2\. I don't mean to keep on hurting you but I need you. It's killing me inside._

 _3\. You deserve so much better_

 _4\. I can never be who you need me to be. I'll always be with him._

Instead, I decide to send a much simpler message.

 _Starbucks sounds good. You know my favourite. x_

* * *

 **Please review x**


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 1

The test went well, I hope. I answered all the questions and they didn't seem too hard so I'm optimistic I've secured a good enough grade.

I'm back at the apartment now and I've changed into Kate's black velvet Victoria Secret tracksuit while I binge watch Judge Judy and think about which food to order. It's around 7pm now and I've been ignoring Jose all day because I wanted to be alone. I had my test, I had lunch at an Italian restaurant, I went to the gym and I took a bubble bath with all my fancy bath crystals and candles. But now I'm feeling kind of lonely so I ring him.

" _Thank God Ana,"_ he sighs with relief. _"I've been worried about you all day."_

" _Just a busy day,"_ I tell him, half truthfully.

" _You could have at least texted."_

His voice conveys annoyance. Now I'm going to have to sweet talk him like a baby.

" _Sorry babe,"_ I say softly. _"But I really want you now. Come round?"_ I ask this in the most pathetic girly voice I can muster up.

He melts straight away just like I knew he would.

" _Just putting my shoes on. Can I bring you anything?"_ He asks.

" _Can you bring Chinese, a bottle of wine, a little bit of weed, and of course your sexy body."_

He laughs into the phone. _"Of course. On my way."_

I hang up and wait.

* * *

As soon as Jose arrives we curl up on the couch and watch a comedy while devouring the Chinese and wine. After that, we smoke for a little and fuck each other on the expensive leather couch.

He's on top of me now, his hot skin burning against mine. He runs his hands through my hair and kisses my cheek softly. He's gentle and quiet.

"Ana," he says softly.

I place my finger against his lips to silence him.

"Shh," I whisper. "Just, shh. Fuck me."

He's torn but he shakes his head.

"Ana, we can't _always_ get high and fuck. We have to talk. It's what sustains a relationship."

I sigh. I knew what he was about to say but now he's crossed a line and I'm annoyed. I push him off me, standing up and re-dressing.

"Ana." He stands and pulls his t-shirt over his head. "You can't keep doing this. Pushing me away whenever I say something you don't want to hear."

I shrug back into my pants. "I don't need this right now Jose. Just go home."

He grabs me gently by the shoulders, forcing my gaze. His brown eyes are saddened with the burden of me stringing him along but I don't know what I can say to make him feel

better anymore.

"Come on baby. It's been a year. I need _something_."

"I've given you everything I have," I tell him honestly. "I don't have anything left to give. Not anymore."

He lets go now and steps back laughing humourlessly. "You gave it all to him right? Now there's nothing left? So, you expect me to just…what? I can't be your lap dog forever Ana."

He's hit a nerve and he knows it. "Don't speak to me about him," I warn. "You don't know anything Jose."

He nods and shrugs his shoulders, looking me up and down. "You know what? I don't. you're right, I don't know anything. Maybe I should just go."

He pulls on his jacket and walks toward the door. I don't say anything and I don't stop him. The only thing I do is close the door behind him.

* * *

I wake up at 7am and immediately get into the shower. On the way to the bathroom I hear Kate giggling in her room. 8-inch Mark must have come over. _And_ all over her by the sounds of things.

As the hot water pours over me I wash away the scent of Jose and wine, hoping when I emerge maybe I'll be a brand new shiny clean person. That I'll be different, or maybe just the girl I used to be. The happy girl who didn't feel numb to everything that surrounds her, even the touch of another. The one that smiled and meant it, breathed in air instead of smoke. But she's gone, along with him, along with everything else that ever mattered.

By the time I'm ready and fully blow-dried, Mark is sat at the breakfast bar while Kate makes scrambled eggs in a tiny t-shirt showing off her long tanned legs.

"Hi Ana," Mark says as I make my way over.

"Hi," I sit down. "Nice night last night?" I ask looking at him. He's ridiculously good-looking, in the classic sense of course. That's Kate's type. Blonde, tan, baby blue eyes and muscular. He's the picture perfect All-American soccer guy and Kate's playing hard to get as usual.

He replies with a smirk and Kate blushes.

"You look fresh Annie," she grins, placing a plate of eggs in front of me.

"Thanks darling," I reply through a mouthful of eggs.

We all eat together before Kate kicks Mark out. Rule 1 according to her is to never be too keen in the early days.

"What's the plan for today Ana banana?" She asks cheerily sitting opposite me. "Field day with Jose?"

I shake my head through a forkful of eggs. "No way. We had an argument last night. I need some space from him I think."

She makes a face and takes a bite of her own food. "Was he asking for your undying love again?" She asks.

I nod.

"He's such a selfish prick." She says this angrily as she stands up again to fetch orange juice. "He knows what you've been through."

I shrug. "I can understand where he's coming from but I can't fix it. I can't be who he needs me to be."

"You don't need to be who he needs okay? You're you and he can fuck himself," she says sassily, forever the loyal best friend and always on my side. I laugh and she puts her laptop screen in front of me.

"Grey Enterprises Holdings," she says, pushing it toward to me. "They're offering 5 summer internships this year."

"5?" I ask, taking it from her. "Pretty stiff competition."

She dismisses me as I read over the requirements. "You have a 4.0, you're smarter than anyone there and you're pretty. Piece of cake. All you have to do is approve and I'll send it."

I look up from the screen at her. Her blue eyes are shining with excitement. "You already applied for me?" I ask.

She nods.

I lean across the table as best I can and give her the most awkward hug. "Thank you," I whisper.

"So send?"

"Send," I confirm.

Kate leaves for her internship shortly after. Yes, she's already had hers for a few weeks, of course. I decide to read for a bit and then study.

At around 10:30 I get a call from Jose which I decline immediately. He calls again and then sends a stream of text messages each beginning with _I'm sorry._ I flip out and throw my phone against the wall. I can't deal with this. Not now, not ever. Being with him is a mistake and I should have never let it get this far. Carry on this long. I'm at fault and I hate myself but there's nothing I can do about it. Putting him through this pain and torment, this never-ending wondering path of _what if's_ is torture. With him I'm forced to acknowledge the deepest parts of myself, the very opposite of what I wanted. What I _needed._ I know what I need to do, I need to end this right wants me to love him. He wants me to love him like he loves me but I _can't._

I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to.

* * *

Kate comes back at 6 with Thai food she picked up at a restaurant. She tells me all about her day which mainly consists of all the people she hates.

"Anyway," she says, finishing the last of her food. "We're going to a party on Friday night."

"What party?" I ask, turning down the TV volume, my ears perking up.

"This girl at work. She's celebrating her 30th and she's invited me and whoever I want to bring, which is obviously you."

"Kate-" I start. She interrupts immediately.

"Look Ana. This is a chance for you to dress classy and attend an upper-class birthday party, like the girls we truly are. No more drunken nights in $5 entry clubs and drug fuelled sex marathons in fields with _lesser_ men such as Jose. This is the opportunity to meet a man actually worthy of your time." She shakes her head dismissively and takes a big sip of wine, tapping the outside of the glass with her manicured fingers. Eluding wealth and elegance from every pore, I can't help but give her a piece of my mind.

"You mean like the girl _you_ truly are. I'm not upper-class Kate." I tell her. "My family isn't wealthy and neither am I." I stand up to leave. "So maybe _lesser_ men like Jose are the types of men I belong with. You can take Tiffany or someone with you. I'm going to bed."

"Oh Ana," she says irritability. She goes to say something else but then stops and sips her wine. "Ah whatever, be like that. Fuck off then."

"Fuck you," I say through my teeth. Stupid bitch.

I grab my jacket and slam the door on my way out of the apartment.

* * *

It's midnight now and I'm in bed at Jose's. I've calmed down somewhat and I reply to Kate's _I'm sorry I'm just drunk you know I didn't mean it_ text. She's my best friend. Our arguments never last long.

"How are you feeling?" Jose asks quietly.

"Better," I say truthfully.

We didn't have sex. We didn't smoke. We just sat in bed and watched cartoons and it was refreshing.

"I'm sorry about yesterday," he says for 100th time.

"It's okay," I tell him for the 200th.

"Good." He leans in to kiss my cheek. "We don't have to talk anymore," he whispers this as his lips move from my face to my neck.

I close my eyes and escape as his fingers dance across my skin, across my collarbone, down my breasts and skim over the scars on the inside of my thigh. They find my wetness and plunge in deep making me involuntarily arch my back and cry out. My body's physical reactions are responsive. It's what they like about me.

But that's where it stops. My mind is like a blank page, detached from the rest of me. I feel _nothing_. It's what they hate.

* * *

 **Next Chapter: Christian & Ana meet. Was thinking of doing the next chapter as a Christian POV but unsure. Let me know if you'd like that. Please review xox**


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 2

I leave Jose's in the morning and drive back to mine, changing into gym gear and furiously working out for almost two hours. It's a form of release. One of my good forms. Afterward, I take a quick shower and treat myself to brunch at a little café around a mile down the road from the university campus. It's a quaint little place, littered with books, worn couches, cosy corners and roaring fireplaces. I treat myself to a cup of tea, my favourite English breakfast and an almond croissant. As I sit down to eat, I'm reminded of a time when I wouldn't let anything like this buttery goodness so much as pass my lips. It's something I still struggle with, but I'm learning to battle my demons. At least _some_ of them.

I head back around noon and Kate's up and dancing around the living room to an old 90's soundtrack in a slinky nightgown. She runs to me and hugs me tightly which I return. I don't like fighting with her. I don't like to feel alone.

"Dance with me," she grins. She pulls my arm and starts to twirl.

She's insane but I do it for a little while. We twirl around the living room, I pirouette and she mouths _show off_ to me.

"Why are we dancing?" I shout to her, over the music.

"We're celebrating!" She squeals.

I look at her confused. "Celebrating what?"

She leaps over to me and grabs both of my hands in hers. "YOU of course duh! You got an interview at GEH." She jumps up and down and I join in.

"Really?" I ask, feeling slightly overwhelmed.

She nods and turns the music down.

"I checked your email while you were enjoying your morning. You have an interview at 8:30 Monday morning with Miss _Ross Bailey._ " She says her name with a posh accent and I grimace.

"Oh God. I didn't actually think I'd get an interview." I'm starting to pace now. "This is such a prestigious company."

She holds my shoulders and forces my gaze. "And so are you. You've got this Ana; I believe in you. Now," she saunters off, raising her perfectly arched brows at me. "Where are we going to celebrate this evening?"

* * *

It's around 5pm tonight and Kate and I have decided to go to our favourite cocktail bar for drinks and dinner tonight. I told Jose he could come as well. Before I decided to fuck him, we were all besties. I'm sitting on the couch, painting my toe nails ice blue when the door knocks.

"Why's Jose here so early?" I ask Kate, who comes in from her bedroom with curlers in her hair, tying her robe.

"Fuck knows," she mutters.

She answers the door and instantly a high-pitched squeal pierces the room.

"ANNIE!" A voice screeches. A voice I instantly recognise and immediately fall in love with.

I turn around with the biggest smile on my face to be greeted with my number one. I almost spill the nail varnish bottle as I run toward her and her signature perfume and shampoo flood my senses. I feel immediately at home.

She pulls back and her blue eyes are sparkly. She's carrying two gigantic suitcases.

"I've come to be with you Annie," she smiles sympathetically. "Verity is here."

* * *

Verity Flora Karson. My best friend since I was three years old and enrolled at the international ballet academy. She was the first person I spoke to. She introduced herself to me, offered me a cookie, and hasn't left my side since.

While she settles herself into my bedroom and gets ready, Kate passes me a glass of wine and pours herself a big one.

"Steady there," I tease, taking a sip. "You don't want to be wasted before we even leave."

"Well, I didn't know it was invite your home bezzie night! Should have told me." She says this was a sarcastic smile and I shake my head, putting the glass down.

"Don't be like that Kate. She turned up out of the blue and besides, I want her here. I want _all_ my best friends here."

She just smiles and I can tell I'm in for a long evening ahead. "Well, I'm going to finish my hair. _And_ I'm inviting Mark."

I nod and she immediately leaves.

* * *

A few hours later and everyone is glammed up as we sit at our booth at _Seventh Heaven_ luxury cocktail bar. Jose is dressed smart in a sexy pale blue shirt, Kate is dressed to the nines in a black sequin mini dress and long luscious curls and then there's Verity with pin straight platinum blonde hair and a beautiful sparkly red dress. Me? I'm dressed in a short black lacy strapless dress which I'm freezing in. Jose's jacket lies on standby.

Mark orders everyone martinis for starters while Verity gets acquainted with everybody.

"So you're Ana's best friend from home?" Jose asks. He puts his arm around mine as he says this.

"Yes," she smiles enthusiastically. "Me, Annie and Freya. That's our little group."

"How is Freya?" I ask fondly. "It's been too long."

Freya started ballet when we were five, a few years after Verity and I. She's a fiery red head who I adore.

"She's great," Verity replies. "All loved up with Ezra though," she rolls her eyes and I giggle. "We're going to have the biggest get together when everyone's home for Christmas."

"I look forward to that," I hold up my martini glass to fake toast and take a sip. It's strong but good.

"So, are you the only one who still does ballet?" Kate asks, feigning interest. Her eyes rack over Verity's ballerina thin body in disapproval. She's all about the killer curves.

Verity nods. "Annie left me to move here and Freya left me to study _contemporary_ dance in New York." She says it like it's a dirty word.

"Shit, you were a ballerina?" Mark asks me, surprised. I pretend not to be insulted.

"I still _am_." Another sip. "I didn't have a traditional upbringing. My mother lived out her childhood dreams through me and sent me to a ballet school instead of a regular school. I finally left last year to come here and do something different."

I'm now in my second year studying English here at Seattle and I feel happier. _Somewhat_. I just needed to get away.

"I went on to the upper school program. I'm doing my degree in ballet." Verity explains. "I could never see myself doing anything else."

The rest of the night goes on smoothly. We drink, we talk, and soon, I'm feeling lightheaded. Verity is already wasted and when it hits 1am Jose suggests calling a cab and I agree. It's been a great night but I'm feeling all blurry and _starving._

"I want cheese fries," Kate says, as Mark helps her into his jacket.

"Remember when we would be starving at the end of the week Ana?" Verity giggles, linking arms with me. "We'd go to _in and out_ and order the whole menu and wolf it down, obviously before throwing it up again but"-

I cut her off. I don't need everyone hearing the nitty gritty details of my early teenage years.

"Cheese fries or McDonalds?" I ask her.

"McDonald's," she throws her hands in the air and I just can't wait to get to bed.

* * *

The rest of the week is great. It's so nice having Verity here. She's like a piece of sunshine in my otherwise grey and rainy life. We visit the theatre, we go out to eat, we drink a lot and on Sunday night when it's time for her to leave I actually cry. Like full on bawling.

She hugs me close and rubs my back. "I'll be back Annie," she promises. "And I want you to come home too. We all miss you and your parents do."

"I'm just sad to see you go," I confess.

She wipes away my tears. "You have Kate. She's a good friend to you Ana, not better than me of course but she'll do."

I can't help but laugh. "I'll facetime you when I'm back. Stay strong, I love you."

And then she's gone and the cold feeling enters me once again.

* * *

It's Sunday night now and I'm curled up on the couch in Kate's dressing gown.

She comes and sits next to me. "You okay?" She asks.

I nod.

"I'm not that bad am I?" She jokes but underneath it I know there's a hint of seriousness.

I grab her hand and pull her toward me.

"No. You're amazing. She just reminds me of home."

"But you wanted to escape home, remember?" She reminds me.

"I know," I agree. "I mean the _old_ home. Before everything happened. Before I needed to get away."

"Everything will be okay one day," she promises. "You'll see. One day, you'll wake up and you won't feel sad about what happened anymore."

I highly doubt it, but I hope she's right. I hope that day comes.

* * *

It's Monday morning.

It's interview morning and I'm absolutely terrified. I'm suddenly staring to hate Kate for ever applying for me. It's 6:00 and I can no longer lie in bed so I wake up, shower, dress in clothes Kate set out for me last night and make coffee and a fruit bowl. As I'm eating, I feel as if I'm about to throw up.

I'm pacing, counting down the seconds, and brushing my hair for the hundredth time. At 7:45, Kate bids me good luck and I drive down to the tall, intimidating GEH building.

I park my car and walk in. Everywhere is _pristine_. Everything is so clean and sterilised, including the immaculate blonde women and men. I immediately feel out of my comfort zone. I cannot envision myself working here and may as well leave now. I walk up to the main reception desk, feigning confidence. The blonde woman with the dated up-do purses her red lips at me questioningly.

"My name is Anastasia Steele. I'm here for an interview with," I check the email. "Um, _Ros Bailey."_

She smiles now. "Yes Miss Steele, right this way."

She leads the way through white walls and even whiter marble floors until we reach the elevator. We get off at the fourth floor and she points me to a seating area outside a big room.

"There is a water foundation to your right and if you need anything, just ask reception," blondie smiles. "Miss Bailey will call when she's ready."

She taps away in her heels and I'm left alone for a little hyperventilating time. This place is absolutely _huge_ and I'm feeling lost already. I did a little research last night and was amazed to find out that Christian Grey, the man that owns all this, is only 28 years' old. It's mind blowing really.

To pass the time, I fill a cup of water with ice water from the fountain and sip it slowly. Crossing and uncrossing my legs, standing and sitting. I feel as if I'm about to explode when finally, a stern looking woman emerges from the room.

"Anastasia Steele." Her voice is as harsh as her face and I grimace as I walk in.

The interview lasts 30 minutes and honestly, it isn't as bad as I expected. She's harsh but fair and I'm able to answer most of the questions with ease. She tells me I'll find out if I have the internship by the end of the week and I honestly don't know if I got it. Half of me wants to say yes but the other half is saying no.

I walk out of the room and head toward the elevator and sigh when it takes ages to come. I just want to get out of here. I feel so uptight, as if I'm being evaluated by every single person in the building. I know it's most likely my anxiety but I can't help how I feel. Finally, the elevator comes and I step inside. I press the ground floor but on the third, it stops and opens again. I roll my eyes. I just want to leave.

The doors open and in steps a man. An absolutely gorgeous man. He's wearing a fitted to perfection grey suit, deep mauve tie and his hair is to die for. It's dark brunette, with flecks of coppery blonde strands, styled perfectly messily. He stares at his phone as he presses the ground floor button. After a second, he regards me.

"I've never seen you before," he acknowledges, staring straight into my eyes. They're a mixture of blue and grey and they're scaring the crap out of me. The way he says this is quite abrupt. Rude almost. I feel defensive immediately.

"I've just had an interview, for an internship."

"Ah." He extends his hand then. "Christian Grey," he states.

I'm momentarily taken aback as I shake his hand. I feel embarrassed now.

The door opens and I breathe a sigh of relief as he steps out and I follow.

He turns to me once again. "Grey suit, skirt or pants, and preferably hair up when you start," he says, and without another word, he's gone.

* * *

Please review! xox


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Some of you may be thinking this may be a Jose/Ana story. I can assure you it's not. Jose will not be around as Ana's lover for very long rest assured but it's needed to highlight Ana's character and dependence. This is a different story, where Ana is damaged. Also, there is NO love triangle. I hate love triangles and there will most certainly not be one in any of my stories.**

 **On a brighter note, schools out and updates can start being very frequent. I aim to have all of my FSOG stories finished by Christmas. It's been too long. Hope you enjoy and review.**

* * *

CHAPTER 3

As soon as I get home I undress and sink into a hot bubble bath with French vanilla crystals. The water feels lovely on my skin. I think about my encounter with Mr Grey and have now came to the conclusion that he is the sexiest, and most intimidating man I've ever met. I also think about the fact he said ' _when_ ' I start working and not _'if._ ' I try to take this as a positive sign that I've got the job but I can't be sure. He could be just toying with me.

The irrational part of me isn't sure whether I'd mind that or not.

I stay in the bath for a while before getting out and drying off. I have a late class tonight. 5-8. So afterwards, I sit in my robe with a cup of tea and do my homework for this weeks Antony and Cleopatra. The story is a tragedy; one I can most definitely identify with. I'm in _love_ with Shakespeare. His endings are tragic and the characters are beautifully flawed. It's an anagram for the life of Anastasia Steele. I make a quick salad for lunch and do some yoga before finally heading off to campus at 4:30. I grab a coffee before class and settle into my seat for the next three hours.

After class, Jose calls. He asks if I'd like to go to dinner and I'm starving so I agree. I meet him at the Bella Italia in town. As we tuck into spaghetti, he asks me about my interview.

"It was good," I tell him, between forkfuls. "Better than I expected."

"That's great Ana," he says, as he shoves a whole meatball into his mouth. "Do you think you've got it?"

"I honestly don't know," I confess. "But I did see my boss, Christian Grey in the elevator. He told me what to wear when I start. Maybe that means I did," I shrug and take a sip from my water.

"You seen him?" He asks, surprised. "What was he like?"

 _Absolutely gorgeous._

"Um, it was only two seconds," I say airily, trying not to think about him. "He was...intimidating. Very poised and professional."

He raises his eyebrow. "Okay, wow. Well, I wish you good luck."

He raises his glass and we clink them together.

* * *

After dinner I tell Jose to come back to mine with me. Kate's out late tonight and I don't want to be alone. We smoke a little and watch Ru Paul's drag race in my bedroom until the early hours. After that, I lay on his chest and he uses the sobriety of the moonlight as a chance to pillow talk.

"Do you remember when you lost your virginity?" He asks.

I giggle. "Of course I do. I just turned 20. I'm not that old to not remember."

"What was it like?" He chuckles.

"You first," I insist.

Amazingly, after all this time, we've never discussed each other's virginity stories. It occurs to me we've never discussed anything. I rarely open up but since I'm a little high, I'm feeling a little looser.

"Well, I was 14," he tells me. "It was with a 17-year-old Spanish girl named Gloria and _God_ she was glorious. I had no fucking clue what I was doing. We did it in her parent's room while they were away."

I grimace and laugh. "Ugh. Love story of the century."

"I've slept with around 10 girls." He confesses. His fingertips trail down my back gently. "But they were nothing compared to you."

"What's so special about me?" I ask, rolling my eyes.

"You're gorgeous," he squeezes my ass. "This ass is a god send and God you're tight Ana. I didn't think it was possible to be so tight."

I smirk.

"But most of all I care for you. Like no other."

My smirk fades. I change the subject before he starts to get deep.

"I lost mine when I was sixteen," I tell him. "With Brett."

Suddenly, things don't feel so funny anymore and my high has worn off from the mere mention of his name. Jose goes silent and the air feels still. I roll off him.

"I'm gonna get some rest," I tell him. It's all very abrupt.

He kisses my cheek and I fall asleep.

* * *

The rest of the week was pretty much uneventful. On Tuesday, I had classes all day. Afterward, I came home and crashed. Wednesday was my day off so Kate and I went to the gym, swimming, hot yoga, and attended a dance class together. Thursday was classes again and on Friday I got the call to say I'd landed the internship. I started Monday from 9-2 and I'd be working Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursday mornings and Saturday mornings and this would last for the year. I had a busy time ahead but I was used to it. Back home, I attended all my regular classes, with an addition of 4 or 5 hours of ballet each day and 8 on the weekends. Besides, busy was good. Busy kept my mind from wandering too far.

Kate was absolutely thrilled for me and we celebrated on the weekend with cocktails, lunch a spa day and the whole Sunday was dedicated to pj's and movies.

* * *

It's Monday morning now and I'm filled with dread. I shower and dress robotically. Kate and I have picked out a pretty and modern grey skirt suit with a white shirt. The skirt was a little shorter than I thought, just above the knee but I decide it will do. At least I look nice. I style my hair up as requested by Mr Grey but it just doesn't look right. My hair is almost waist length and unless I put it in a bun, it looks silly in such a long ponytail. It's wavy as it's freshly blow dried so after some careful consideration, I decide to just follow my instincts and leave it down. I put it behind my shoulders, step into Kate's Louboutin's, spritz on some perfume and leave the house.

The drive down to GEH is tense. I'm shaking and all sorts of things are running through my mind. What if I mess up? What if I don't know what to do? What if people are mean to me?

 _Stop it Ana_ I tell myself. I need to focus and think straight. I can do this. I tell myself this over and over again until I finally start to believe it.

In the parking lot, I check over my appearance before I go in. I run my fingers through my hair again and reapply my nude lipstick. My hands are literally shaky and I feel as if I should have smoked or something beforehand. I just need to _relax_ but it's too late. It's time to leave and I step out of the car and feel the cool wind wash over my face before I enter the building for the second time.

There's a different blonde woman at the reception today. I introduce myself and she hands me a piece of paper. It's a map of the building. She also makes me pose for a photograph and hands me a card to get in and out of rooms. I'm instructed to head to the third floor, which is where I will be working. For around an hour, a woman who introduces herself as Andrea, shows me what I'll be doing. It all looks pretty simple, bordering on _boring_ actually. Basically, I'm sorting out paper work and emails, answering phone calls, referring people to the right department and fetching coffee.

 _Riveting_.

I have my own work area on the floor, next to another girl who looks my age. She's blonde and thin and timid looking.

"I'm Olivia," she smiles politely as I sit next to her at my computer.

"Ana," I say back. "Nice to meet you."

"First day?" She asks. I notice how she angles her chair slightly toward me. She seems enthusiastic at meeting the new girl.

"Yes," I nod. "You?"

"I've been here a few months," she says. "But apparently I have to stay on permanent paper work and email duty from now on. I can't bring coffee because I always get it wrong. One time, Andrea sent me to get Mr Grey's coffee and it was the completely wrong order." She rolls her eyes. "He was furious. I was certain I was going to be fired right there and then."

I don't know what to say to that. It dawns on me that my new co-worker may just be a _talker_.

"Are you a student?" She asks, after realising I haven't said anything.

"Yes," I reply. "I've just started my second year at Seattle."

"Oh, I went there," she grins. "I graduated last year. What do you study?"

"English literature," I tell her.

"Oh cool. So I guess you like books then. I did business and marketing." She says this all very excitedly and then launches into an autobiographical account of her time at college.

I'm actually grateful when Andrea interrupts us a while later.

"Anastasia, I've got to go to a meeting right now so I'm going to need you to grab Mr Grey's lunch for me will you?" She's all very rushed and quick speaking.

"Yeah, sure," I get to my feet and she passes me a note of paper with a few things written on. He breaks in 15 minutes and so that's how long I've got to go to Starbucks to fetch an iced coconut milk mocha and a chicken salad.

On the way back, admittedly, I'm super scared. I knew my job would entitle doing things such as this but I never expected to have to see Mr Grey on the very first day. What if I mistook the writing on the note and got the order wrong? Then I'd end up like poor Olivia, humiliated by Mr Grey and saddled to paper duty for the remainders of my days.

Mr Grey's office is on the top floor and it practically spans the entirety of it. Andrea instructed me to knock and only enter once he confirms I'm allowed. I'm then to bring his lunch directly to him, place it on the desk and leave right away. It's all so very rigid and I can't help but wonder why. I don't question it however. I'll do exactly as intsructed. The last thing I want is to fuck things up.

I'm already way too good at that.

Once I arrive outside of his door I hesitate for a few seconds before knocking quietly. I have no idea what to do if he doesn't answer but thankfully, he does.

"Come in," he says, his voice deep and rather irritable. I wonder if he gets annoyed every time somebody bothers him, even if they're doing him a favour.

Perhaps he could learn to be more grateful.

I grimace as I open the door.

His office is enormous with floor to ceiling glass windows as walls. Elaborate art work hangs on the only plain white wall and an enormous desk sits at the back of the room, facing the door. He sits in the middle of it, in front of a computer. He doesn't look up as I slowly walk toward him.

"Leave it there," he says, still staring at the screen.

I place it down on his desk in front of him and only then does he glance up. Mr Grey looks straight at me and then down at the food.

"Where is Andrea?" He asks.

His voice is cold.

"She says she's in a meeting. She told me to bring your food instead," I reply, flushed.

The way he's now scrutinizing me from head to toe is making me feel very self conscious. All I did was do as I was told by Andrea and now I'm being made to feel as if I'm doing something wrong.

After a few seconds he speaks again.

"Take a seat Miss Steele," he says slowly.

That's it. He's getting rid of me already. I automatically sit in the seat in front of him and he starts to sip his coffee. I feel so awkward. I have no idea what to do and at this point, I just want to curl in a ball and die.

"Where have you been put Miss Steele?" He asks me. "To work," he clarifies.

His eyes are absolutely stunning as they stare into mine but all I can concentrate on is his stern voice.

"Third floor," I tell him.

"The third floor is for menial tasks," he says, somewhat annoyed. "Did you like it there?"

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say. "I, uh, it was okay," I finally settle on.

He tasks another sip of his drink and a bite of his salad. I'm envious of the way he eludes confidence and ease from every conceivable pore while I'm sat here feeling like a shaky mess. I suppose however, that's the entitlement that comes with a multi-billion dollar company at the tender age of 28.

"I need someone to work with me, up here" he says after a while. "Would you say you're up for that task Miss Steele?"

I'm speechless.

He continues. "I would say you are. Your GPA is outstanding and you're a fresh young mind with a new perspective on things. You can be my personal assistant of sorts."

"I thought Andrea was your personal assistant," I say quietly. She introduced herself to me as so at least half a dozen times.

"Who says I can't have another?" He asks me. "One that is situated here with me at all times and doesn't have to tend to the needs of everyone else's. Only mine."

I'm scared shitless but I have to say yes. I can't exactly say no can I? And honestly, even though I don't want to admit it, although he scares the living day lights out of me, I wouldn't mind having to get to look at Mr Grey all the time. He's a _much_ better looker than Olivia.

He stands up now, having finished his salad and throws it in the trash. "So on Wednesday when you're next in, you'll report here." He says.

I take this as my queue to stand.

"All clear?" He asks.

"Yes," I nod.

"Good. You may leave now." Mr Grey instructs.

I turn and walk out of the room, my heart beating a million miles an hour.

When I arrive back at the third floor to fetch my belongings, Andrea is standing by Olivia and glaring at me. _Shit_.

"Where have you been?" She asks harshly. "I had work for you to do. You were not entitled to your own lunch Miss Steele. You were to take Mr Grey's and come straight back, not take a 45 minute break." Her arms are folded, her position poised and waiting for an answer.

"Mr Grey wanted to speak with me. I'll be working with him in his office from this point onwards," I say, hitching my bag over my shoulder.

Her eyes widen a little. "Stay here," she tells me. "I'll be checking that with him right now."

I roll my eyes as she picks up the phone to call him. Why would I lie about something like that? It's a quick conversation, over in two seconds flat.

She then nods at me and bites her lip. "Fantastic," she smiles sarcastically, wanting to say more. "You may leave now."

I flash her a smile and sashay my way out of GEH. I now have a day of classes to attend.

 _What a day._

* * *

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	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 4

Monday is finally over. It's 8pm now and Kate and I are sitting on the couch, watching pretty little liars and eating huge salad bowls she just bought back.

"So I sort of got a promotion at work today," I say absentmindedly, munching through a piece of spinach.

She looks at me wide eyed. " _Shut up._ What do you mean _promotion_? On your first day?"

I nod and reach for a sip of my water.

"Mr Grey asked if I'd be his personal assistant."

"Doesn't he already have one of those?" She asks.

"Yeah," I nod. "She's called Andrea, but she's always out of the office running a hundred and one errands so he wants one that only attends to his needs. Someone who's situated in his office."

"Oh," she says. She then does that face which means she's somewhat doubtful.

"Aren't there like, thousands of people that work there though?" She asks after a few moments. "Like, why you on your first day?"

I shrug. "I'm confused too."

She takes a sip of water and raises her brow. "Just be careful it's your grade point average he's after and not your grade point _ass_."

I throw a pillow at her. " _As if._ There's many gorgeous blondes in there," I laugh. "He could have his pick of anyone."

"Yeah, but who wouldn't want the gorgeous innocent 20 year old?" She pouts and flicks her hair behind her ears.

"Shut up," I mumble. "He's probably just being nice."

A voice in the back of my head however isn't convinced that Christian Grey is the type of man who 'just' does nice.

* * *

It's now Wednesday and I'm ready for work. I chug down two large coffees this morning in order to feel energized. I have no classes on Wednesdays and so my shift is from 9:15 until 4:30. I'm so freaking scared. I'm going to be trapped in a room with the most intimidating man I've ever met for over 7 hours. I'm a nervous wreck but I know I have to pull it together. After all, how bad can it really be? I put on my loubotins, I apply my favourite nude lipstick and I walk out of the apartment, feigning a confidence I can only hope to achieve.

* * *

I feel as though everyone is staring at me as I walk into the building. I know I'm most likely being paranoid but today, I just cannot shut my anxiety off. I pass the blonde woman at reception who smiles at me brilliantly this time.

"Mr Grey will be waiting for you in his office," she says kindly.

 _Word travels fast here_ I tell myself as I nod and make my way down the now familiar hallway and into the elevator.

Outside Mr Grey's office I wait for at least two minutes. I'm now regretting saying yes to the promotion, preferring to be downstairs on the third floor with ice cold Andrea and nonstop talking Olivia. Why oh why did I agree to this? But after several minutes of deliberating just running out of the building and back home to my fluffy bed, I _finally_ manage take a deep breath and knock.

"Come in." The same voice that sends shivers down my spine speaks and I make my way in slowly, trying my best to look cool and confident.

He looks up briefly from his desk. "Anastasia," he greets me calmly, rising to his feet.

"Good morning, sir."

"Please," he gestures to the desk on the other side of the room with his hand. His signature grey suit is fitted from head to toe in perfection. Honestly, he's glorious.

"You'll be working here," he says smoothly as I make my way swiftly over to the desk that he's now standing at. "Let me show you what you'll be doing."

I'm standing in front of him now.

"Take a seat," he says, with a hint of amusement. "You don't have to look so nervous Anastasia. I can _assure_ you I don't bite."

I flush bright red and quickly sit down. For fifteen minutes, I'm forced to endure Mr Grey leaning over me, his scent invading my senses and his voice lingering in my ears. It's the worst kind of torture.

* * *

By lunch, I'm practically finished the tasks he's asked me to accomplish. It's really not that much different than third floor but this time, it's directly sorting out _his_ business and nobody else's, which to be honest, I'm quite happy about. I've just finished arranging his interview for Friday morning with the CEO of Atlantic Enterprises when he tells me I can break.

"You can take a walk," he says to me. "Or you can stay here for lunch, with me. I'm having Andrea bring me lunch; I can have her bring something for you too?"

I shake my head, a nervous laugh escaping me. "I don't think she'd appreciate having to bring _me_ lunch Mr Grey."

He shrugs. "I take that as a no?"

"I'm fine," I assure him. "I'm going to grab a coffee anyway."

He nods once and for some unknown reason, I feel a little bad.

"I could bring it back here?" I suggest.

"That sounds good," he offers me a small smile and I rise to my feet, hitching my bag over my shoulder.

* * *

The cool air feels good against my face as I step out into the street. Every part of my body feels flushed and hot and bothered from being trapped in that room with Mr Grey. The short walk to Starbucks does me good and I order myself a mocha and a small salad, knowing I can't stomach anything else. I regret agreeing to eat lunch with Mr Grey but I can't back out now. I hate my inability to say no and so with my coffee in one hand, I walk back to the office.

Mr Grey is eating an elaborate looking chicken and egg salad when I walk back in. I go to sit at my desk but he gestures for me to come over to his. There's a seat opposite him that wasn't there when I left and it makes me nervous to think he bought it over just for me. I sip my coffee slowly as I watch him eat. Even the way he chews is sexy. It's ridiculous.

"Are you going to eat?" He asks suddenly, staring at my coffee. "You can't possibly just be having that."

I shake my head and pull my salad out of my purse. I doubt I'll even manage to eat just this. My tummy is absolutely full of butterflies as I take a small bite of crispy lettuce. We sit in silence for a while, until Mr Grey speaks again.

"Do you enjoy college?" He asks me.

I look up at him, his startling eyes staring into my own.

"Uhh, yes."

"What do you like about it?"

I swallow down my tomato before speaking again. I think for a moment. "I like being able to study something different. I've always loved books and literature. And I like the freedom I suppose. At home, I was very constrained."

"How do you mean?" He asks, genuinely seeming interested.

"I did ballet," I explain. "I attended a ballet school instead of a regular high school. I practiced for hours each day."

"You're a ballerina?" He asks surprised. "Did you not enjoy it?"

"I did," I confess. "But it started to feel like something I _needed_ to do and not something I _wanted_ to do anymore. Dancing professionally, it took some of the joy out of it. I wanted to be free to do what I wanted for a while."

He nods slowly as he finishes his salad and tosses it in the trash can.

"So college gives you freedom," he confirms. "I understand that. Do you live by yourself?"

I shake my head. "I live with my friend, Kate."

"Any boyfriend?" He asks casually.

I bite my lip and blush. He stares at me and for the first time today Jose comes to mind. However I find myself not wanting to reveal him to Mr Grey.

"I..um, not exactly," I part lie. It's half the truth. Jose and I have never exactly been official. Monogamous yes but we've never had couple photos in the Bahamas or upgraded our Facebook relationship status. We're more like friends who fuck. At least, that's how it is for me.

He doesn't say anything and I start to feel nervous again.

"Do you?" I ask, turning the question on him. It's only fair since he asked me such a personal question with no warning.

"I don't have a boyfriend, no," he says sarcastically, leaning slightly back in his chair.

I can't help but laugh a little. "I mean a girlfriend," I roll my eyes and he narrows his at me.

"I do not have a girlfriend no, but I do have a special girl in my life." He says fondly.

"Oh."

I feel disappointment rise within me which is stupid because I'm a student and he's my boss but still. I'm only human. He means _wife_ of course but when I glance at his finger there's no ring. Maybe fiancé then? Either way, he's taken and why wouldn't he be? He's gorgeous, powerful, and everything a woman could want in a man.

He's still looking at me and then he leans forward and turns a photograph on his desk around to face me. I immediately see him, clad in a t shirt and jeans holding a little girl on his hip. She's about three or four, with blonde curls and a beaming smile.

"Oh!" I gasp. "She's adorable. Is that your...?" I ask, but he nods and turns the photograph back around.

"My daughter, Violetta."

"I never knew you had a daughter," I say, momentarily stunned.

All sorts of things are running through my mind. Where's her mom? Are they not together? Does she live with him? I don't ask any however.

"I like to stay out of the limelight as much as possible," he explains, rising to his feet. "It's there however, just not advertised."

A glance at the clock tells me it's time to get back to work and that happy hour is over. I stand too and he stands in front of me once again. Even in my louboutins, he towers over me. I guess that's to be expected of almost everyone I meet since I'm like 5'2 but Mr Grey is over six foot and he stares down at me.

"I'll be out of the office this afternoon, I've got a few meetings," he tells me.

"Okay," I reply quietly.

And then without warning, his fingers come out to pick up a lock of my hair and place it back over my shoulder gently.

"The first time I saw you, I told you to wear your hair up, like _every single other employee_ has to" he says cooly. "Which you ignored of course."

My eyes are wide. _Shit_.

"I'll make an exception for you," he continues before I can say anything. "I think I prefer it down."

And then he walks slowly out of the office, the door shutting behind him.

* * *

 **Please review xoxo**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N THIS SCENE CONTAINS AN UN-GRAPHIC** _ **RAPE**_ **SCENE. NOT ESSENTIAL TO READ IF ANY READERS ARE SENSITIVE TO THIS TOPIC. THIS WILL BE THE ONLY CHAPTER LIKE THIS IN THE STORY.**

 **Let me know what you think.**

* * *

CHAPTER 5

By the time I get home, I'm so worn out. I immediately change into sweats, grab my blanket, and my Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets book. I sip some tea while I read and have some much-needed down time before Jose, _unfortunately_ rings.

I answer reluctantly. I've been feeling distant from him lately, mostly because he's always starting arguments and I just can't deal with that. He used to be my happy place and I need him to stay that way. If he changes, there's no point.

"Hey babe," he says happily. "How was work?"

My mind flashes back to Christian Grey and I flush just thinking of the effect he has on me. I need to get a grip.

"It was fine," I tell him absentmindedly.

"Well, I've got some weed," he tells me automatically. "Thought we could order takeout and have some fun."

I can tell that he's smiling through the phone.

"That's all we ever do," I tell him, rising to my feet to make another cup of tea. I don't know why, but I'm actually feeling pretty tired of our constant cycle.

"You're complaining?" He scoffs. "You hardly turn it down."

I shrug my shoulders before remembering he can't see.

"I just don't feel like it," I say, putting him on loudspeaker on the kitchen counter as I fill the kettle and wait for it to boil.

"Okay, well, what do you feel like?" He asks irritably.

Ugh.

"Honestly Jose, I'm just tired after a long day. I'm just gonna chill and get an early night."

"Can't I do that with you? Don't you want to see me?" He asks sadly.

I sigh. "Fine, you can come over," I relent because sometimes giving in is easier than the fight.

 _Especially_ with him lately.

* * *

He arrives shortly after and orders a pizza. I have a slice and he inhales the rest before trying to kiss down my neck and unbutton my shirt with his cheesy meat breath. I shrug him off and he stops.

"You don't want it?" He asks.

I shake my head and wrap my blanket around me, sinking into the couch.

"Not tonight," I say.

"It's been almost a week," he acknowledges. "We never go this long. What's wrong?"

"I'm just tired."

I hate all these questions. It makes me uncomfortable and I feel like I'm on trial. I don't have to have sex if I don't want to. My mind is elsewhere…back in Christian Grey's office.

"What? For a week?" He laughs sarcastically.

I'm starting to see a different side of Jose. The side of him that's feeling sex-starved and clearly doesn't like the fact I'm not giving in to everything he says.

"I've just been busy," I tell him.

"You're not busy now." He leans in closer and strokes down my arm with his fingertips. "Come on honey, let me make you feel good."

"I'm not in the mood," I confess, but his hand is already underneath my blanket, and underneath my panties.

"Jose stop," I insist but he doesn't, and his hand continues to make lazy circles around my clit.

I'm getting wet and so I close my eyes. It's _obvious_ he isn't going to stop and he kisses my neck again.

"There you go," he whispers. "Good girl. That feels _good_ doesn't it baby?" He dips them inside slowly and I let out a quiet moan.

"See? I know what you want honey," he assures me. "You can trust me. You know I love you."

He quickly removes the blanket and my sweats and panties. His head is down there now and I try and move him before he can start. I _really_ don't want this right now.

"Jose, _please,_ I don't want-"

But his tongue on me cuts me off and I grip the couch between my fingers. He fingers and tongues me at the same time until I come and then he lays me down and fucks me until he does. Afterwards, he pulls me close and kisses my hair.

"You're my whole world do you know that?" He says quietly. "Nobody compares to you."

I don't say anything. Everywhere feels numb.

* * *

Jose goes to bed to watch a film shortly after. I tell him I'll join him soon, after I've made some tea. But I'm sitting here naked, nothing but a blanket wrapped around me, with tears streaming down my face when Kate walks in, taking off her coat and shoes.

"Hey, so I'm not sure if you ate but I've bought some Thai noodles, your favorite ones from that place-"

She stops short when she sees me.

"Ana?" She asks. "What's wrong?"

She sits beside me and strokes my hair. "Why don't you have any clothes on?"

"Because Jose fucked me," I say, in a voice I barely recognize. It's raspy and horse. "I asked him not to. He's not himself, he's on something. Something higher than weed."

She stands again and looks over me, her expression changing from sympathetic to livid. "Hold on, are you telling me that he came over here, fucked out of his brain and raped you?"

I cringe at the word but deep down, I _know_ it's true. I asked him to stop and he didn't. In fact, I asked him never to even begin. And then he tried to console me with a bunch of words he thought i'd like to hear.

"Is that his bag?" She asks, picking up his rucksack and rummaging through it.

She finds a little bag of white pills and holds them up, as well as the huge bag of weed. "For _sure_ he's on something higher," she laughs sarcastically. "I'd noticed a change in him for some time, but this..." She throws them bag into the rucksack. "Pass me the phone, I'm calling the police."

As messed up as this is, a part of me doesn't want to. If I can get him to stop taking the pills, he'll go back to his old self right? If I do this...well, he'll be gone forever and I'll have nobody. It's almost like Kate can read my mind as she stares at me. She sits down again and pulls me close, kissing the top of my head.

"What he did was _rape_ Ana, and if he's on pills now, he needs professional help. You won't be alone, you have me. And as for a boyfriend? You can take your pick of anyone on our campus okay? I'll set us up for the speed dating event."

I laugh once through my tears. "I'm serious, i'm done with 8 inch Mark. I'll come with you. Also babe, I think it's time we dialled that number your mum gave us for the therapist here don't you?"

I nod and cry harder. She hugs me closely. "I don't want to keep feeling this way anymore," I confess.

"I know, and you won't."

She then grabs my phone and dials 911.

* * *

Jose is blissfully unaware of anything happening. He's sprawled over my bed and rolling a joint when the police come to arrest him. To say he's completely perplexed is an understatement.

"What the fuck?" He cries, "why the fuck am I under arrest?"

The police seize the rucksack and he turns white.

His eyes are bright red from the drugs. He's slipped so far from the person I met last year. I always knew he took drugs, obviously, but not this kind. I never thought he'd turn into this person and I can't bear to look at him. Kate ushers me into her bedroom while they take him away. Afterwards, a female officer comes in and asks me what happened. She's middle aged, very warm and kind, instantly reminding me of my mother. I miss her so much. I'd give anything for a cuddle from her right now. The officer wants me to go down to the station for a rape kit but I find myself holding back. I really don't want to and couldn't possibly think of anything worse than another unwanted invasion tonight.

"You can come by tomorrow morning," she tells me. "But it's up to you whether or not to press charges."

"Ana, what are you doing?" Kate says incredulously. " _Go_."

"I just want to go to bed. They've already got him for the drugs Kate." I lay down on Kate's bed as the police officer leaves.

I'm overwhelmed to the point of exhaustion and I pass out in seconds.

* * *

I don't wake until noon the next morning. I've slept for around 14 hours straight but I do not feel any better for it. My heads killing me, my throat is dry and my brain feels like mush. I hear voices in the lounge and I wearily get to my feet, pulling on a hoodie. As I open the door, Kate is sat on the couch holding a mug of coffee and opposite her are my parents. They both sit, clutching mugs and my mother's hair is in a messy knot. She looks like she hasn't slept a wink and practically drops the coffee when she sees me.

"My baby," she whispers.

I practically run to her as she envelopes me in a bone crushing hug.

"Oh honey, look at you," she says sadly, standing back to take me all in. "You've lost weight again." It's an acknowledgment, not a question.

My dad moves over to me then and places a comforting arm around my mother. "Kate told us what happened," he says. "You need to press charges Ana."

Tears threaten to surface. "I don't want to talk about it."

"I just want to bring you home," mom says, sighing heavily with tears forming in her own eyes. "I want to wrap you up and take you back with us. You can start seeing your old therapist again, and we've got the new puppy, and Verity's at home."

I know she's trying to persuade me but I shake my head. "I can't mom. I like it here. I've got an internship," I wipe my tears away with the back of my hand and my dad hugs me close.

She nods. "Well, I'm sending your dad home to get the puppy," she says. "We're going to be staying up here with you for a couple of weeks."

"Mom, you don't have to do that." I tell her.

"No, we do," Ray interrupts. "You're going to go to the therapist, we'll be making sure you do."

I feel downtrodden. Suddenly I'm fourteen years old again been told I'm not allowed to go to Freya's wild house parties.

"There's no ifs or buts about it," my mom says, a little firmer this time. "We know what you've been doing honey. Drugs, boys, _starving_ yourself again. I thought we were over this."

"That's why you're going back to the therapist," Ray says. "She'll get you back on track again Annie. Everything will be okay."

I shrug out from their hold and move to pour myself coffee. I glare at Kate who's silent and staring at the floor. She called them, and she also clearly told them about the drugs. As for boys, that was just pathetic. It was _a_ boy, singular. _Bitch_. I suddenly don't miss my parents very much anymore.

"Coffee is not breakfast," my mom says, coming over to me.

"Yeah well forgive me for not being hungry."

I make my coffee quickly, taking it in my bedroom and slamming the door.

"We're doing this because we love you," my mom shouts from the other side. I can hear the sobs in her voice. "When you're better, maybe you'll thank us."

I won't hold my breath.

* * *

 **PLEASE REVIEW xoxo**


	7. Chapter 7

I'm made to skip classes the next day, by my parents. My mom and dad have taken up residence in the small guest room Kate uses as an extra closet. I didn't know that they actually meant they'd be living _here_ with _us_ but now that I think about it, I expect no different. My parents are like that. They're very intense and there's no half speed with them.

I lay in until almost eleven and my mom brings me over freshly cooked breakfast in the kitchen. Waffles, bacon and eggs with freshly squeezed orange juice. They went shopping yesterday, deeming flimsy salad bowls and coffee an insufficient diet. I try my best to eat and she doesn't push when I can't finish. She never was like that. As long as I tried my best to eat she was happy. In all honesty, she's a brilliant mother, though I refuse to tell her that right now.

After breakfast, I have a bath and then my mom blow dries and brushes my hair for me. This is a thing we've always done from time to time. It feels nice to have her here, it's very comforting. When she's finished, I rest my head on her shoulder. She kisses my warm hair.

"I've made you an appointment for one thirty," she says quietly. "She'll be able to help you with what happened last night and give you some advice."

All my nice feelings toward her vanish. "Great," I mumble.

"And I've let the principal and your lecturers know you'll be taking some time off. They were completely sympathetic and hope you'll be okay."

"Thank you," I whisper, grateful for that one. I couldn't think of anything worse than turning up for lectures right now with everyone's prying eyes and nosy ears.

"Now," she says, shifting. "Moving onto the next thing. I want to know how you're feeling about going to work. Do you like it there or would you like some time off from that as well? I'll be happy to give Mr Grey a call."

"Oh, no mom," I shake my head. "I'm fine there."

"Are you sure? Don't worry about missing out on anything Ana. The upmost priority is your health, both physically and mentally."

I nod. "I'm sure mom."

"Okay sweetie. Now, go and get dressed. Your father and I will drop you."

* * *

I'm wearing old baggy jeans and a long sweatshirt with no makeup when my parents drop me off at the shrink's. I'm absolutely dreading this. I haven't seen a therapist in a while and I'm not looking forward to seeing one now. However I know I don't really have a choice. My parents won't leave if I don't and I know the time has come. I've reached my all time low and it's now or never.

The office is just like what I remember about my own from home. It's clean and calming with kind middle aged women at the reception that smile kindly at you.

"This way dear," the plump blonde one says, and leads me down to a small corridor and to a door marked _Dr Parkes._

I make my way inside and I'm greeted by a woman in her mid to late thirties with curly blonde hair falling all around her shoulders and bright pink lipstick. She stands up when I enter and gestures me to the seat opposite her.

"Hello Anastasia, how lovely to meet you, my name is Rebekah Parkes, please take a seat."

I sit down reluctantly thinking that this is just about the last place I want to be. A few seconds pass while I settle into my seat. After that, I just stare at her, waiting for her to say something. She continues to smile at me for a moment.

"So, I think the best thing to start with Anastasia, would be for you to just explain how you're feeling. Right now, in this very moment." She finally says.

I'm thrown off for a moment. I didn't expect that and I have to actually think about it.

"Lost, I guess," I eventually say.

"Lost within society or within yourself?"

"Both. I feel disconnected with people most of the time yet I also need people around me _all_ the time."

She nods, like she understands. "I see," she says slowly. "Why do you think you need to depend on people?"

"I don't like being alone?"

"Why?"

I sigh and close my eyes. It's a few seconds before I open them. "When I'm alone, I start to think about things. Things I'd rather not think about."

She nods and it's silent again for a few moments.

"Would you like to talk about those things?" She asks softly. "The things you don't like to think about?"

I don't want to but I know I need to. Things will only continue to get worse if I never speak about my pain.

I know that this is the reason I can't move on. The reason why I can't sleep alone. _His_ face that still haunts my dreams.

Tears sting my eyes before I even get a word out. I look straight ahead instead of looking at her.

"This is hard," I finally choke out.

"Just, _breathe_ Anastasia, and remember we don't have to talk about this."

I shake my head. I _need_ to. "Brett Lucas was my boyfriend," I finally whisper. "I'd never _not_ known him. Our parents had been best friends growing up and had us around the same time. We lived across the road from one another."

Images of play dates and running on the grass with a 5-year-old Brett cross my mind.

"He was always there and we were the best of friends. Our friendship naturally evolved romantically and we started dating at around 14 years old. We did everything together, went everywhere together. Growing up, I'd always felt like he was my soulmate."

I close my eyes. The tears are really burning right now.

"Early last year, before I came to college, he killed himself," I whisper. "It was...unbearable. Every minute of it. I cried nonstop for about a month until there was nothing left. After that, I vowed to never feel anything at all."

I open my eyes and find Rebekah staring straight at me. I can't bring myself to say anymore.

I just can't.

* * *

As soon as my session ended, I realised that it was going to take time to heal. I was going to just have to try and do that in order to get on with my life. Before the session, I felt like I was okay with going to work but after crying in my bedroom all night, it dawned on me that I wasn't okay.

My mother sorted everything for me and she told me that Mr Grey wished me well and hoped that I could get better and come back soon.

I had therapy sessions twice a week with Rebekah over the next few weeks and though the first one was bad, the rest did get better. It felt like a relief to get everything that I was feeling off my chest. Like a weight had been lifted.

She'd also prescribed me anti-depressants and I'd been taking them. So far, they appear to just make me a little drowsy but even I can tell the difference. I'm far from feeling happy, but they're stabilizing some of my erratic emotions.

After almost three weeks off, now in the beginning of a chilly October, I decided it was time to go back to school and work. My parents finally moved out of Kate's guest room but not to go home. With their beloved puppy and things from home, they're currently renting a one bedroomed apartment, 5 minutes away from here. They won't leave until I'm okay again.

And so, my life begins again. I attend school, I go to work, I do my homework, my parents come to make dinner for me, and I see Rebekah twice a week.

Today is another brand new Monday and I'm getting dressed for work. I've been back for a week now and Mr Grey has hardly been in his office when I'm there. The first day I arrived back he asked me if I was feeling better and it was good to see me again. After that, he gave me my work and left. I'd barely seen him since. It was quite disappointing to say the least.

I decide to actually wear my hair up for once. I put it in a high ponytail and wear very minimal makeup. After taking my medication, I grab my things and head for the door.

Olivia waves at me as I make my way in. She's assisting reception duty today and I smile back at her. I pass Andrea's steely gaze down the corridor, ignoring her and heading into the elevator.

When I arrive at Mr Grey's office, he's there, sitting down and sipping a very large mug of steaming black coffee.

"Good morning Mr Grey," I say quietly as I make my way over to my desk.

He looks up at me. "Good morning Miss Steele."

I'm aware of his eyes on me as I settle into my seat and it's making me feel very anxious and hot. I reach across the desk to restock the printer and nearly knock it down. All of the paper falls to the floor. _Fuck._

I bend down to pick it up, avoiding Mr Grey's stare entirely. I do not look up from the ground and then I feel his hand brush against mine. I look up to see that he is also crouched down, picking up the papers with me.

"I'm sorry," I blush, standing up again with a pile of papers in hand.

He stands too and hands me the rest. "Don't worry about it."

A few seconds later, he leaves.

* * *

By lunch, I'm exhausted. The meds are making me sleepy as well as the early mornings _and_ tons of work. I'd do anything to just climb into bed right now but I've still got a few hours to go. I'm just about to go and grab something to eat when Mr Grey walks in, carrying a large paper bag.

"I got you a chicken salad. I've seen you have that a few times," he says, not looking at me and striding over to his desk. "With a caramel soy latte."

"Oh, thank you," I stammer, feeling very surprised and confused.

"I had somebody pick it up," he says, settling into his seat. He looks at me now. "Come and sit," he instructs.

I make my way over but there's no chair opposite him today. There is one next to him however and it immediately spins as I sit in. I blush and he laughs, passing my food towards me.

We eat in an awkward silence until he finally speaks.

"How have you been getting on this week?" He asks.

"Oh, fine," I murmur, sipping my drink.

He looks at me skeptically. "I'm trying my best," I confirm. "One day at a time."

My mother hadn't exactly given Mr Grey the details of my messy breakdown but she had told him I was suffering with emotional and personal issues. These were the _last_ things I wanted to discuss with him.

"I'm glad to hear it," he says seriously.

I don't quite know what to say so I just nod. I finish my salad and when I'm done, I prolong the sipping of my now lukewarm coffee. I stare at him as he finishes his food. He's so beautiful it hurts. People shouldn't be allowed to be this sexy. He catches me looking at him and I turn away, feeling a flush creeping over me.

He clears his throat before speaking again. "After you've finished printing out the letter to Atlantic, you can go if you'd like."

"Why?" I ask, a little abruptly.

"I thought you…well, to be frank, you look tired," he replies bluntly.

Great. So now I look like shit.

"I'm fine," I lie.

"Seriously Anastasia, I'm getting off early myself today anyway," he says, tossing both of our salads into the trash. "Violetta has a bake sale thing."

I smile at the mention of his daughter. "How old is she?"

"She's four," he tells me. "She's very excited about it."

I want to ask him so many questions, but I refrain. It's really none of my business. We lapse into a silence now and my drink has finally finished. There's no more pretending to sip it. We stare at each other. I bite my lip. His eyes are so pretty and his lips…I don't even register what I'm doing before it's too late. I close the distance by leaning forward and my lips are suddenly on his. _God_ they're so soft. They're unlike anything I've ever experienced. It takes a few seconds to acknowledge the fact that he isn't kissing me back and with that, I finally realize what I'm doing. I pull back instantly with a gasp and immediately rise to my feet.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper, tears filling my eyes. His expression is one of pure shock. "I don't know what came over me…I, I…I'm gonna go."

I practically run out of the door and sprint all the way to my car.

* * *

 **Uh huh, bad Ana, you can't kiss the boss. I promise to update sooner. PLEASE REVIEW XOXO**


	8. Chapter 8

Monday 10th October 2016

I run to my car as fast as I can. All I want to do is escape. As I start to near home, the realisation of my actions start to kick in. I've just kissed my boss and ran out of the building. I can never go back there and so that's that. I've ruined my and only shot an amazing internship.

Kate's there when I arrive and I sigh internally. I was hoping to escape to my bedroom and drown in my mortification _alone_.

An hour and half later, we're sat side by side on the couch, the TV humming softly in the background.

"It's not that big of a deal," she shrugs. "It was a kiss…an impulse. Just send an email apologising."

"God no," I shudder. "I can't speak to him ever again. I'm so humiliated Kate."

"You're blowing this way out of proportion," she says, looking at me pointedly. "Send an email, say sorry, and then go in and pretend nothing happened."

"What if I'm fired?" I ask.

"I'm sure you would know by now. Anyway, what was it like?"

I roll my eyes but smile a little. "He didn't kiss me back but his lips were nice. Yeah, they were nice."

She stares at me for a second before we both burst out laughing.

* * *

Tuesday 11th October 2016

Today I have classes all day. Despite Kate's efforts, I haven't had the courage to email Mr Grey and he hasn't contacted me either. I'm trying to take one day at a home, as taught to me by Rebekah. I'm trying not to panic too much.

I sit at the back of the lecture hall as I get in. My favourite module. Poetry.

I used to make up lyrical poetry when I was younger and dance to it. I've always been fascinated with words. They weave themselves together delicately, just like the body as you dance. There's the ability to make them beautiful. There's the ability to also make them sad.

Three girls come in together and sit a few rows down from me. I try to concentrate on the lecture but their whispers may as well be screams.

"That's _her_ ," one of them whispers. "Apparently, she's filed charges against Jose for rape."

"Oh my God," another one whispers back. "Well, I heard that he got charged for distributing cocaine."

I breathe deeply. _Do as Rebekah said Ana. Block it out. Block it out._

What they're saying is half true. Jose was charged with selling and taking cocaine. Raping me? Not so much. Against my parents' wishes, I decided not to press charges. I didn't want to relive it all again. I didn't want to stand it court and look at him. Besides, he's already behind bars. He's a part of my life I don't wish to think about anymore. Or ever see again. It's done. He's done. I'm done.

* * *

After my first class, I meet up with Kate for lunch.

"Eat your sandwich Ana," she insists, noticing my lack of appetite.

I push it away. "I'm not hungry."

She sighs but doesn't push. She's not my mother and knows not to.

"What are you doing about tomorrow?" She asks.

I shrug. "Go I guess."

She smiles widely. "That's my girl. Trust me Ana, everything will be fine. He's probably used to girls throwing themselves over him."

I grimace and stand up.

"See you at home," she smiles, giving me a quick hug.

I head off for my second class.

* * *

Once again, I resign myself to the back of the room. Once I've gotten out my things, I notice a boy sat two seats down from me. He's wearing a knitted sweater, oversized glasses and has pimples. He catches me staring and blushes profusely.

"You can sit here, if you want," I offer.

He goes red again but moves to sit next to me. I notice how thin he is. I notice that his hands are shaking as he retrieves his books.

"I'm Ana," I smile, attempting to make him a little more comfortable.

"I'm John," he says.

"Are you new? I haven't seen you before."

He nods. "I transferred."

"Oh, from where?" I ask curiously.

"I was at a university in New York. I didn't like it much. I got bullied for being gay," he chuckles nervously.

I'm appalled. "People still do that?" I ask.

"Seems so," he shrugs.

"Do you like it here any better?"

He shrugs again. "I'm not the kind of guy people usually want to talk to."

He writes the date on his notebook and an immediate pang of sadness washes through me. For the first time in a long time however, it's not for myself. It's for him.

"Well, I want to talk to you," I say.

He smiles at me softly. "Thank you, Ana."

* * *

I leave my day of lectures feeling satisfied I've made a new friend. I hope that I've been able to brighten his day, even a little. I cannot stand seeing people struggle. Seeing people being bullied, isolated…it's just not fair. _Everybody_ needs a friend.

I tell Kate about him on the way home but she's not that interested.

"That's nice," she says airily. "I met the most amazing guy in my lecture today oh my god Ana. He had abs for days, he's all caramel skinned and green eyed."

I roll my eyes. "Did you talk to him?"

"Of course I talked to him," she scoffs. "He asked me for my number."

"Congratulations."

She poses and flicks her hair behind her ears. "He's going to be so good in bed. I can just tell."

* * *

Wednesday 11th October 2016

My nerves are running like haywire from the moment I open my eyes. How on earth could I have actually been considering this? I can't go back. I freaking kissed him and ran out of the building like a stupid child. _Completely_ unprofessional. I'm so humiliated.

However, from somewhere, I must find the willpower because I do get up. I shower, I put clothes on, I brush my hair and put it in a high pony tail. I drink an enormous mug of coffee and by the time I'm ready to leave, I have nerve shakes as well as a caffeine buzz. Fantastic.

As I drive to work, I try not to let thoughts fill my mind. _Think of happy things Ana. Kittens and Verity. Ballet and poetry. Babies and puppies_. Nothing works.

I'm just going to have to do the best I can. What's the worst that can happen? If he fires me, at least I'll never have to see him again.

Mr Grey is not in the office when I walk in but there's a big pile of work left for me to do. I breathe a sigh of relief, guessing that means I'm not fired. I sit down and get started on it, doing my best to be as efficient and thorough as possible. I guess it's my way of making up for being so stupid.

I hear the door open at around eleven and it startles me. My heart races as I look up and see Mr Grey stroll in. He doesn't look at me and he walks to his desk and sit down but I can't take my eyes off him.

"Anastasia, did you finish the first report?" He asks suddenly.

I look down immediately and fish through the piles. "Um, yes." I hand it to him but he looks at me expectantly.

I blush and get up, giving it to him directly.

He glances over it and places it back down on his desk. I bite my lip, feeling so anxious. I have to say something.

"Mr Grey, I'm really sorry-"

But he silences me, holding up his hand. "I'm not going to discuss this Anastasia." He stands and I inch back just a little. "Look," he says. "I have a zero-tolerance policy on getting involved with my staff. I'm taking it as an impulse that you're extremely sorry for."

I nod, feeling myself go numb.

"Okay. You can go back to work now."

He strides out of the office just as quickly as he strode in.

* * *

"He acted like he was disgusted by me," I say to Kate as soon as I get home, taking my ponytail down.

"I'm sure he's not Ana," she tries to assure me.

I flop down on the sofa. "I feel so stupid. For a second, just a second…I thought he might have found me attractive."

"He does. He just doesn't get involved with staff. He's professional."

"Yeah well…I wish I could quit. I feel so embarrassed." I hold my knees to my chest.

"You shouldn't. I've thrown myself at loads of guys who didn't reciprocate," she shrugs.

Somehow I find that hard to believe. I'm sure even Christian himself would go for Kate. The curvy leggy blonde. How can I even compare?

"You have to get him to see you _out_ of work. Out of that ponytail and stiff skirt. He needs to see you having the time of your life with your friends. Your hair curled and a sexy red dress. Trust me."

"I'm not actively trying to seduce him," I scoff.

"Yeah right. You planted one right on him. Where do you reckon he hangs out?"

"Stop it. I'm not following Christian Grey around."

"You could always look at his schedule," she suggests.

"No," I insist. "He doesn't like me. I'm not going to humiliate myself for the third time."

"Have it your way," she says.

I get a notification on my phone suddenly and it's a friend request. I look quickly to see who it is and I smile fondly at the screen when I see that John has added me.

* * *

Thursday 12th October 2016

I walk into work quietly this morning. I don't particularly want to see Mr Grey so I'm disheartened when he's at his desk as I walk in.

"Good morning Anastasia," he says without looking up from his computer.

I take my seat. "Morning Mr Grey," I manage.

I feel his eyes on me as I type my login into the computers. Why is he always staring at me?

"Anastasia?" He says, a few moments later.

I look up over at him.

"Yesterday, I was…I didn't go about it the right…I was harsh. I apologise."

I look at him for a moment. He's saying sorry?

"Oh, it's fine," I lie. "I'm sorry for…well."

He nods and gets to his feet. He approaches me and I tense a little.

"I have a trip this weekend. It's a pretty big deal, I'm trying to finalise this enormous deal between . It's in New York and I'm taking Ros, Taylor and Andrea. I'm going to need someone to take notes while the meeting is going on. Do you think you could do that?"

"You want me to come to New York?" I breathe. "I, uh…isn't that Andrea's job?"

"You're my assistant too Anastasia. You don't have to come, of course but it would be a brilliant opportunity. I rarely do this for new employees, especially interns, but you've impressed me. Your CV shall be glowing."

I can feel my heart racing again. I nod slowly.

"Good. I'm off for a meeting now, I'll tell you all the details when I'm back. Expenses will be paid for of course."

I nod again, unable to speak as I watch him leave.

 _So, I guess I'm going to New York._

* * *

 **It's been a while. I will try to update this much sooner. I've just been unsure whether people even like this story that's why I haven't been that motivated for it...do you guys like this kind of story? I know it's not everybodys cup of tea. Idk, let me know and if you do i'll try to do regular updates. Love always xxx**


	9. Chapter 9

**Had fun writing this today so thought I would post it now to make up for the lack of updates with this story! Hope you enjoy xxx**

It turns out that the flight to New York leaves Saturday morning at 6:30 am. We'll be staying for two nights and flying out early Monday morning. Mr Grey has arranged for a car to come and pick me up and drop me to the airport where I shall meet the rest of the team. To say I'm nervous is an understatement.

I'm at my parents place for dinner right now as I tell them.

"This could be great for you," my dad smiles. "Get you out to New York, bit of shopping, change of scenery."

"Will you be okay though?" My mom asks worriedly. "On your own I mean?"

"Mom, I'm not on my own." I tell her.

"Ah Carls she'll be fine," dad dismisses. "It's two days."

I nod. "I'll be fine."

"I'll pack your bag if you want honey," mom says softly.

"That would be great mom." I reach across the table and squeeze her hand.

I love them both more than words can say and I'm so grateful to have them.

* * *

It's Friday night and I'm all packed, ready for tomorrow's 3 am wake up. It's currently 7pm and Kate and I are just lounging around chatting.

"Do you think you'll share Mr Grey's room?" She asks.

I chuckle. "Never in a billion years. I suspect we've all got our own lavish rooms."

"You do realize this is your only chance right?" She says seriously now. "You have to take it."

"Kate, I'm not going to New York to seduce my boss," I insist. "He'll fire me for sure and besides, I really don't think he's into me."

"Take my red underwear set," she says, ignoring me. "Just in case."

I throw the cushion at her. It lands on the top of her head.

* * *

Saturday 12th October 2016

I wake up at 3 am from my alarm. I'm super tired and so getting dressed is a bit of a task. I pull on a pair of leggings and Kate's Gucci hoodie. It's absolutely _freezing_.

As I walk into the lounge I see Kate at the breakfast bar.

"Wanted to help you get ready," she smiles. "I know you're nervous but everything's going to be fine Ana."

I smile gratefully at her. I truly do have the best family and friends anybody could ever ask for.

Kate does my hair for me. She straightens it, something I rarely do and it hangs almost to my waist. She then does some light makeup.

As soon as she's finished, we hear the car pull up outside. My heart beats a little faster in response.

"Thank you," I whisper.

"Have the most amazing time in New York," she says gently, throwing her arms around my neck. "Text me as soon as you get there and FaceTime me tonight at the hotel."

"I will," I laugh.

She walks me to the door where I have an oversized Louis Vuitton travel bag (courtesy of Kate) and the matching small suitcase (also courtesy of Kate). I can't help but wonder when I'll finally be able to have my _own_ nice things that aren't loaned to me by my rich best friend.

It's pitch black outside, as expected, and freezing cold. A man wearing a suit stands outside the sleek back SUV.

"Miss Steele," he greets professionally. "My name is Sawyer, please, let me take your things."

I slip into the back of the car, feeling nervous. This is it. This is really happening. I'm going to New York with my work colleagues. I'm going to New York with Mr Grey. I buckle myself in and we're off.

* * *

The drive to the airport is slow and relaxing. Sawyer plays music low and I feel myself drifting off. I'm slightly embarrassed that he has to wake me upon arrival.

"We're here miss Steele," he says.

I open my eyes and get out of the car immediately. He carries my bags and escorts me all the way inside sea tac. Bright lights greet us inside and I have to blink several times to adjust. We head over to a lounging area where I see everybody else already sitting.

"Thank you Sawyer," Mr Grey says. "Good morning Anastasia, take a seat."

I sit down next to him, feeling myself flush all over.

It's the first time I've seen Mr Grey out of his suit and he looks _glorious_. Dressed in a navy blue sweatshirt and jeans, he's absolutely gorgeous. I avert my eyes away from him quickly toward Andrea who is opposite me, clad in jeans and a blazer. Ross is wearing her usual suit.

"How was the journey?" Mr Grey asks me.

"I...uh. Well I fell asleep for the most part." I confess.

He chuckles. "It's early," he agrees. "We were waiting for you to go and grab something to eat."

"Oh," I smile. That was nice of them but I'm really not hungry.

We head over into a nice little cafe, leaving our luggage with Taylor and Sawyer. Andrea orders a bagel and coffee and Christian has the same. Ros opts for bacon and eggs. Andrea and Ros then walk away to a table but unfortunately, Mr Grey stays behind with me. When it's my turn, I ask for an English breakfast Tea.

"Is that all you're having?" He says disapprovingly.

I nod.

He purses his lips slightly but refrains from saying anything. We walk silently back to the table and I watch Andrea look swiftly over at me through her eyelashes.

"Excited?" Christian asks, turning toward me.

I take a sip of my tea and smile. "Yeah, I've never been to New York."

"Well we've got the business meeting at 2:00 pm today and I suspect that shall last for at least an hour. After that we have a formal dinner of sorts with the clients at five."

"Formal?" I ask apprehensively.

"Of course," Andrea says seriously, interrupting. "I hope you've bought suitable attire."

"Of course," I mumble back.

 _Shit_. I hope Kate or my mom packed something. _Oh God_.

"Tomorrow we have brunch in the morning," he continues, "but after that, we're done."

"Ros and I have booked a spa day," Andrea smiles. "That was _before_ we knew you were coming of course Anastasia, I apologize."

I don't answer. I sip my tea instead, thinking about how she doesn't look sorry at all.

* * *

The flight leaves exactly at 6:00 am and although it's not my first time flying, it isn't something I do often and so I'm naturally scared. We're in first class however which is amazing. Ros and Andrea are sitting opposite eachother over on the right side and Mr Grey is opposite me on the left. Sawyer and Taylor are in the back. A table separates Mr Grey and I, adorned with more tea, magazines, snacks and a button to call for the attendants. I think about how I have to sit opposite him for the next five hours and pray I don't do anything embarrassing.

He gets out his computer almost immediately however and I instantly relax. I take out my book as we set off.

An hour into the journey and I'm already feeling a little restless. I place my book down and Mr Grey looks up at me from his laptop.

"You okay?" He asks.

"I'm not used to long journeys, that's all," I say.

"Nervous of flying?"

"A little bit," I admit.

"Why don't you try sleeping?" He suggests. "I always find that helps. Passes the time quicker."

It's crossed my mind; however I've been a little nervous to sleep in front of Mr Grey. What if I drool or something? However, I realize I'm being a bit silly. He's engrossed with his work and I am exhausted. I slip my earphones in and doze off almost instantly.

* * *

When I open my eyes, I'm a little disoriented. I have a blanket on me that I don't remember using and I sit up immediately once I realize where I am. I hear Mr Grey chuckle.

"Don't worry, you're perfectly safe," he grins.

"Did you..." I trail off, looking down at the blanket.

He nods. "It was cold. I thought you'd appreciate it."

"Thank you," I whisper. "How long was I asleep?"

He closes his laptop shut and leans further back in his seat.

"We should be landing in about half an hour," he says.

"A long time then," I murmur.

"Do you want something to eat? You must be starving," he notes.

I'm not, but I realize there's no excuse not to eat and so I condescend to a piece of toast and another cup of tea. I see him frown as I nibble the edges but once again, he doesn't say anything.

True to form, twenty minutes later we land. We're shuffled off the airplane and into another large SUV which immediately drives us to the Four Seasons hotel.

"We'll meet in the foyer at one," Mr Grey instructs as we stand in the enormous marble entrance.

He briefly talks to the receptionist and then issues us each with a card. "Don't be late," he warns before striding off ahead.

I follow Andrea and Ross. We're all on the same floor but my room is at the end. I am most definitely not prepared for what I see upon walking in. It's an enormous suite, complete with a small kitchen, bathroom _with_ a bath, lounge and bedroom. The ultimate luxury. My bags are sat neatly on my bed and the first thing I do is open them to see what my mother and Kate packed. Much to my horror, I indeed see Kate's red underwear set but I'm instantly relieved when I find her gorgeous red satin gown. It's a body-con that hugs each curve and crevice delicately. It's strapless, elegant and sexy all rolled into one. There is also my mother's necklace in there and several other changes of outfits. I send a quick thank you text before getting ready.

I slip into my usual work attire; however, opting for slightly higher heels and a pinker lipstick. I straighten the wavy bits of my hair once more and tuck my blouse into my skirt. Once that's done I open up the fridge and see it's filled with complimentary drinks and snacks. I have a fruit smoothie to fill me up.

My heart is beating again as I prepare to leave but I try to ignore it. _I can do this_. I grab my bag which contains my laptop and laptop charger, take a deep breath, and exit the door.

I'm quiet throughout the entire journey and once we get to the building, I feel myself starting to shake. Mr Grey turns toward me briefly.

"You'll be okay," he says quietly, offering me a small smile. "Deep breaths, laptop out and type away. You can't go wrong."

I smile back weakly, following his lead as we walk in.

There are several men and women seated upon a large round conference table. Their eyes survey us and Christian smiles.

"James." He states.

"Grey."

We sit down and Mr Grey gestures for me to sit next to him. Andrea casts me a glance and I sit down quickly. I get out my laptop and breathe.

 _Deep breaths Ana. Deep breaths._

* * *

 _The meeting is over_. I've taken all the notes I possibly could have and Mr Grey smiles at me as we exit.

"You did great," he says. "Well done."

"Thank you," I blush.

"Well, the dinner is in a few hours," he then says, addressing the team. "I'll leave everyone to get ready, relax, whatever. We'll meet here at 4:30."

He walks off again and I hurry back to my room.

"I can't believe I did it," I say to Kate as I lay on my bed. "I finally feel like I can breathe again now."

"I'm proud of you Ana. What's the plan for this evening?" She smiles.

"A formal dinner," I groan, but much to her delight she jumps in the air.

"This is the _perfect_ opportunity to catch Mr Grey's eyes. The red dress is going to look amazing. In your makeup bag, I've also put one of your red lipsticks in there."

I sigh. "I really don't want to go."

"You'll have an amazing time," she assures me.

I hope she's right.

* * *

Half an hour later I decide that it's time to get ready. I have a quick shower and curl my hair delicately into soft waves. For my makeup, I go for sultry fluttery lashes and my dramatic red lipstick. Finally, I slip into the red dress and I actually _smile_ for once at what I see in the mirror. The silky material hugs all the curves in the right places and frames my delicate frame. I slip on some black heels, grab my clutch, swallow my meds and head down to the foyer.

Somehow, I always manage to be the last one. Andrea is there with an elaborate up do and a turquoise dress. Ros is in her usual suit and Mr Grey is there in his. He smiles as I make my way nervously to them.

"Anastasia," he greets. "You look beautiful."

Andrea looks over at him funnily and he coughs a little. "As you all do," he adds. "I'm proud of you all. Shall we go?"

He walks ahead and I can't help but swoon a little over how he called me beautiful.

The dinner is formal and a little uncomfortable. I have to sit by Andrea and eat strange foods that taste funny. The conversation is all business and Mr Greys' new renovations on Grey enterprises. I'm relieved when it's over to be perfectly honest.

After we get up, everybody spreads out to drink wine and mingle. I find myself a seat in the corner and just sit there awkwardly. I'm not old enough to legally buy any drinks here and I don't know anybody to even mingle with. I'm the youngest person here by a mile and nobody's paying me much attention apart from the older men giving me sleazy looks. I decide to get out my phone and message Kate but as I do, a shadow falls over my screen.

Mr Grey is standing over me. He passes me a glass of something sparkling.

"Thank you," I murmur.

He looks deep into my eyes and I suddenly feel exposed. As if he's reading all my thoughts; as if he's finding out all my secrets. He then sits down next to me and I nervously take a sip of the wine. It's nice.

"I've never much liked these things," he muses, looking out to the scene before us. "Part and parcel of the trade unfortunately."

"I feel…a little out of place," I confess.

He turns to look at me. "Why?" He asks.

"I don't know," I take another sip quickly. "Everyone here is so successful I suppose."

"You're successful too Anastasia, especially for your age. You have a brilliant mind and incredible talent."

I'm a little entranced as I stare at him and drink another sip. "Thank you Mr Grey," I smile.

Mr Grey stays with me a few moments more but unfortunately, a leggy blonde comes to whisk him away.

I down the rest of my drink.

* * *

I must stay for another hour or so before I decide to leave. Nobody else has spoken to me all night and I'm feeling kind of cold and a little upset. I exit swiftly up to my suite and run myself a bath. As I undress, I imagine Mr Grey's hands unzipping the back for me and a tear escapes my eye. I know, I'm ridiculous.

In the bath I furiously wipe away my makeup and pile my hair on the top of my head. I let the warm water wash over me until it turns cold. I then slip into my hoodie and pajama shorts and open my laptop where I skype with my parents.

I talk to them for ages and then I talk to Kate for another hour or so. By the time I close it, it's almost midnight and I flop on my bed, feeling restless. I'm not sure what I expected of this night…I just know that I hoped it'd be a little better. That Mr Grey would stay with me maybe. I also wonder why Ross and Andrea won't speak to me and that also makes me upset. That's when I decide to go for a little walk around the hotel to clear my head. Maybe get a snack from a vending machine.

I slip on my socks and enter the hall. It's dark and quiet but as I walk further, I hear Ros and Andrea's voices talking loudly from Andrea's room. I pass it quickly and turn left toward the vending machine. I settle on the Reese's peanut butter cups. As I walk back to my room, I'm opening up the candy when I almost trip on something. I look up and see Mr Grey almost colliding into me. He steadies me and looks down.

"Anastasia? Are you okay?" He asks concerned. He's still wearing his suit.

I nod.

"Are you sure? You left the dinner."

"Nobody was talking to me," I admit truthfully. "I was just sitting there alone. I didn't mind though; I was tired anyway."

 _Why_ do I keep opening up to him? What's wrong with me? This is so unlike me…

He considers me for a moment before looking away. I'm not sure what to do. I'm standing here in booty shorts and socks, holding peanut butter cups. Embarrassed is the understatement of the century.

"I'm sorry," he finally says. "People just kept sweeping me away, introducing themselves, talking endlessly about nonsense."

"It's okay, honestly Mr Grey," I say quickly.

He then looks at my candy and smiles.

"Can I have one?" He asks, much to my surprise. "They're my daughter's favorite."

I pass it to him wordlessly, suppressing my own smile. I watch him eat it and feel extremely jealous of that little piece of chocolate.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asks after eating.

"I'm not used to being alone," I say truthfully. "But I think I'll be okay."

He's silent for a few seconds. "I'm not going to sleep yet," he finally says. "I'm probably going to do a little more work, watch a movie or something perhaps. I know this is probably not very professional of me, but would you like to come to my suite for a while? I don't want you to feel alone here Anastasia."

My breath hitches just a little and all I can do is nod.

* * *

 **Next chapter Christian and Ana talk and we get to know more about Christian's life, his daughter and his daughter's mother. Please review and let me know what you think. your thoughts motivate and encourage me to update, love always!xoxo**


	10. Chapter 10

Mr Grey's penthouse is the equivalent of an upscale apartment. He gestures for me to sit down on the couch and I do, feeling slightly nervous. What are we going to do? What are we going to talk about?

"I'm just going to go and get changed," he says quickly. "Would you like some tea or something?"

"That would be nice," I say.

As he changes in the bedroom, I try not to think of him unbuttoning his shirt. It's something I would gladly do for him anyday.

 _Stop it Ana_.

I try my best to relax and when Mr Grey comes back, he's in joggers and a t-shirt as he heads into the kitchen to make tea. I've of course never seen him outside of his expensive suits and he looks just as gorgeous in his loungewear. He brings my tea over to me and I sip it gratefully, albeit too quickly as it scalds the back of my mouth. I set it down on the coffee table and he takes a seat opposite me.

"Hope I made it right," he says. "I don't usually make tea. I make a hot chocolate for Violetta occasionally however so you might get one of those one day," he winks and I smile as always at the mention of his little girl.

"She's four right?" I confirm.

"Yes."

"Do you miss her?" I ask. "When you go away on these trips I mean."

He nods. "Always, but I know she's in safe hands getting spoiled rotten by her grandparents and my sister. I facetimed with her earlier, she was covered in glitter."

"That's so sweet," I comment. "The name Violetta…it's so pretty."

"I didn't like it at first," he admits. "But I do now, it fits her."

"So, you didn't choose it?" I ask. I know I'm prying but I just can't help it. Why are her grandparents looking after her? Who is her mother? For some reason, I just can't bear the thought of him being alone without somebody to come home to…somebody to care for him.

"I did not," he says. "Sophia…I mean, Violetta's mother, chose it. She was half Italian and her grandmother was named Violet so it meant a lot to her."

"Was?" I whisper. I can't help but notice the past tense.

He looks at me seriously now. Have I gone too far?

"Yes," he finally says. "She passed away when Violetta was a baby."

I'm horrified and I can't prevent my initial reaction of my hand covering my mouth.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper brokenly.

He sighs. "There's no point to dwell, it is what it is."

 _I almost wish I hadn't asked._

"Your daughter sounds lovely, I'm sure she would have been extremely proud of her," I finally say.

He smiles gently at me.

I sip my tea in silence for the next few minutes, trying to process all of this. It must have been so hard for him, raising a baby by himself. I feel my heart break for him.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" He asks suddenly. I can tell he's trying to change the subject and I let him. I understand how painful this is to him.

"That would be nice."

He switches the TV on and we settle on _Just go with it_ on Netflix.

"So, I thought we go could sightseeing and shopping for the day or something tomorrow," he says, ten minutes into it. "Ros and Andrea will be together and so I wondered if you'd like to accompany me?"

"That would be amazing," I grin.

He nods. "Would you like something to eat? A snack or something? I'm going to get one," he stands and I shake my head.

"No thank you."

He comes back a few seconds later with a bag of salty popcorn and much to my surprise, he does not settle back into the seat opposite me. He sits beside me and offers me the bag. I take a few.

"I prefer sweet," I admit, scrunching my face up.

He laughs. "Well, you are quite sweet."

I can't help but flush. I then do a very dangerous thing and scoot a little closer.

"Are you cold?" He asks.

I nod hesitantly. "A little."

"You can come closer," he says quietly.

I wonder just how close he means. I move until our arms are lightly brushing and the electricity I feel is ridiculous. I can't help but wonder if he can feel it too. I've never been so aware of another person this much. I've never felt this way about anybody and it's _terrifying_.

"How is college going?" he asks after a while. "Are you managing everything?"

"I think so," I say. "I'm feeling much better than I have in a long time, which I guess is nice."

"I'm glad," he says honestly. "If you need any help with anything though, don't hesitate to ask."

I look at him. His eyes are the most magnificent green grey colour. I could just drown in them forever.

"That's kind of you," I say.

"Christian kind Grey. That's what they call me," he smirks and I giggle.

"So, I was wondering," he then says, "you say you can still dance?"

"I don't _say_ it," I roll my eyes. "I can."

He smirks again. "Okay well, Violetta wants to dance. She's been going on about it for a while now and I wanted to find somebody reputable to give her private tuition."

"Oh," I'm very shocked. This is not what I was expecting. "Mr Grey," I flush, "I'm not a trained teacher or anything…"

"She just turned four," he states. "I know you're not a teacher but I'm sure you can teach her the basics, see if she truly does like it."

I know for a fact I can definitely teach ballet to a four-year-old. When we were sixteen we undertook training where we taught pre-schoolers, but why is Mr Grey asking _me_?

"Are you sure you just don't want to see if I can dance?" I challenge with a raised eyebrow.

He laughs. "Well, that's certainly part of it," he winks. "But no, I trust you and I think it would be a joy to watch you dance Anastasia Steele."

I blush and think of myself prancing around Mr Grey's elaborate house in a leotard and pointe shoes.

"If you're schedule is too full of course I understand but it would only be a few hours a week max. Just consider it perhaps?"

"I'll teach her ballet," I say gently.

"You will?" He grins.

"Of course. I haven't had a chance to dance for a while, I've missed it."

"That's fantastic. Thank you," he says genuinely.

"You're welcome."

We stare at each other for another moment. I never want to look away but then he breaks the contact.

"We better watch this movie..."

I've long forgotten about that but I settle more into the couch. I'm practically leaning against him now and I forget to catch my breath when I feel his arm come over my shoulder.

"You're cold," he explains but I don't need an explanation. The simple touch of his arm ignites a fire inside of me I have long thought burned out forever. It feels more intimate than anything I have ever experienced and it scares me as much as it thrills me. I nestle into him carefully and focus on the movie until the people become blurs and the blurs become dark.

* * *

Sunday 13th October 2016

I wake up to a faint sunlight shining through glassy windows. For a second I can't remember where I am but then I realise I'm in New York with Mr Grey and…oh! I sit up suddenly. I'm in a king-size bed full of fluffy pillows and warm blankets. This is not my hotel room and then it dawns on me that I fell asleep here. Here in Mr Grey's _room_. But what am I doing in his _bed_?

I get up instantly, padding out quietly. Mr Grey is in the lounge, drinking coffee.

"I got some tea for you," he says. "Come on."

I cross my arms over one another and walk slowly toward him.

"I fell asleep," I say tentatively as I sit down.

"You did."

"And you put me…"

"I put you in my bed. Don't worry, I slept out here."

"You…didn't have to do that," I say, looking down. I feel so bad. "You should have woke me up, I would have gone back."

He shrugs. "Drink your tea."

I do as told and take a big sip. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. "You carried me?" I ask then a few seconds later.

"No, I dragged you," he answers sarcastically. "Of course I carried you Anastasia, you were extremely easy to carry by the way." He frowns as he says this and gestures to an apple on the table.

"Have it," he says.

I have a feeling I don't really have a choice and so I bite it slowly, looking at him as I do so.

He turns his head quickly and stands. "We're going to brunch at ten, so you better get ready when you finish that. I'll meet you in the foyer." He then marches off to the shower and I put down the apple immediately. What did I do? Is he annoyed with me for staying the night? I decide to leave.

Maybe he just needs some time alone.

* * *

I dress in a skirt today, a little shorter than my work one. It's above my knees and I pair it with very high Mary Jane heels and a navy-blue blouse. I'll change after brunch but for now, I still want to look semi-professional. I put my hair in a messy bun and then meet the team in the Foyer. Mr Grey is not there yet but Andrea and Ros are. _Great_.

"Good morning Anastasia," Ros greets me.

"Good morning," I reply professionally.

"Are you going to brunch in that?" Andrea asks suddenly. "Isn't it a little…short?"

"We're in the twenty first century," I remind her bitterly. She looks taken aback and is just about to reply when Mr Grey walks over.

"Good morning," he says.

We all greet him in unison. He glances briefly at me and then we walk ahead.

* * *

I sit next to Mr Grey at brunch and I feel as though I'm being watched by him on what I choose to eat. I have a piece of toast and an egg but I'm really not hungry and it's hard to stomach it all.

It's once again a business affair and I'm once again _glad_ when it's over.

"We're off to the spa," Andrea tells Mr Grey as we leave. "Are you sure you wouldn't like to come Mr Grey?"

He shakes his head. "No thank you Andrea, Anastasia and I are going to spend the day in the city."

She purses her lips and forces a smile. "I hope you have fun," she says before walking back to her suite.

I breathe a little sigh of relief. We're still going out which means he's not _really_ mad at me. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

"You better go change," he coughs as he looks at my thighs. "It's pretty cold out there."

I nod. "Um, shall I meet you here?" I ask.

"No. I'll be finishing up some work in my suite so just come and knock on there when you're ready."

"Okay."

* * *

Half an hour later, I knock on his door. I'm changed into skinny jeans, over the knee boots, a sweater and a coat. He answers and gestures at me to come in. I sit on the couch and look at him as he walks around, talking on the phone. He's in jeans and a sweater too and he's so ridiculously good looking that I can't help but stare.

"Mother no," I hear him say impatiently. "She had candy yesterday, _that_ was her treat. I don't want her to have it again today. Do you want her teeth to fall out?"

I can't help but smile.

"Good, okay, goodbye." He puts the phone up and turns toward me.

"She has a sweet tooth," he explains.

We're quiet for a moment.

"Mr Grey…"

"You can call me _Christian_ when we're alone Ana," he says, interrupting me.

 _He called me Ana and he wants me to call him Christian_.

"Does that mean we're often going to be alone?" I ask and then curse myself. _God Ana_ …that sounded so, sexual. "I didn't mean it like that," I clarify but he's laughing.

He holds his hand out and I take it as he pulls me up effortlessly. He looks down at me, tucking a loose piece of hair back behind my ear. I stand still.

"Well, we're alone in my office all the time," he smirks. "So you can call me Christian then. And, we're alone now aren't we? So I suppose you can call me Christian now."

"Christian," I breathe automatically.

He bites his lip gently before looking away and gesturing to the door.

"Come on then, let's go see some sights," he announces.

And off we set.

* * *

 **Part two of this chapter will be up tomorrow! Will Ana be spending another night in Mr Grey's suite? Will anything happen between them? Will he confide some more of his secrets? Will she confide hers? Hope you enjoyed, we've now got a few answers (there's still much more to come) but it's a start. I warned ya'll this was a slow burn. Please review! Xoxo**

 **P.S Similar to my other story, colours, I was thinking about occasionally posting a CPOV to this story over on my blog. Let me all know if that's something you would like or not. Love always xoxo**


	11. Chapter 11

It's cold out and I can't help the excitement rising in me. I've always dreamed of walking around New York one day and now here I am. Another bonus is that I'm here with _Christian Grey_. It's definitely starting to feel surreal. Taylor is parked outside of the hotel to take us to Central Park and he opens the door politely for me. Both Mr Grey and I get in the back seat and I'm once again sitting right next to him, enclosed and extremely comfortable. I can feel his eyes on me and once again I can feel that electricity. The drive is short and I'm almost thankful for the blast of cold air that hits us as we exit the car. I was feeling _very_ hot in there.

Central Park is astounding. It's beautiful green expansions seem to go on forever in the distance and I can't believe I'm standing in a place I've only ever seen on TV and in magazines.

"Is there anything in particular you'd like to do?" Christian asks me.

"The ice rink sounds fun," I smile.

"You can skate?" He grins.

"Always the tone of surprise," I roll my eyes.

"No," he starts to walk forward. "I'm always just amazed by your never ending talent."

I blush.

"Come on then, ice skating we go," he announces.

* * *

It is so _fun._ Christian and I skate around on our hired skates in the cold and much to my delight I can skate so much better than the amazing Mr Grey.

"Catch me if you can," I challenge as I skate in circles away from him. I float into the middle of the rink and pirouette. He watches me carefully.

Growing up, Verity and I used to skate on the weekends. It was a nice break from ballet and we'd just get to be silly and fun for a few hours. This is exactly what I'm feeling now and it feels nice.

Mr Grey makes his way slowly towards me but I dash away again. He's a fairly decent skater and moves faster toward me. I try to skate away from him so fast that I almost trip but he catches me just in time, holding me upright. Flush faced, breathless and messy haired, I'm hyper aware of his hands that linger on my waist for only a second.

"Got you," he smirks.

"So you have," I reply. "What are you going to do with me?"

He then takes my hand and we skate back to the middle of the rink.

"Teach me that twirl thing," he insists.

"It's a pirouette," I giggle. "You won't be able to do it."

He raises his eyebrows. "Try me."

"Fine Mr Grey," I concede.

Two seconds later he's on his butt on the floor and I am laughing uncontrollably.

* * *

After skating, we grab bagels and visit one of the waterfalls in the ravine I so desperately wanted to see. I take pictures to send to everyone and marvel at the beauty of the cascading water.

"It's beautiful," I say.

He comes to stand next to me. "It is," he agrees.

I'm quiet for a few moments as I absorb the scenery before me. The wind blows my hair and I feel the fresh air ticking my face. Somehow, here, I feel peaceful. Completely peaceful and it's so incredibly liberating. I've wanted to feel this way for a very long time.

"Do you ever wish you could just stand under there?" I whisper. "It's got this – I don't know, magical feeling. Like it could just wash away all of the bad things."

He looks at me and I turn to face him, realising I just voiced my inner musings out loud.

"That would be nice," he finally says.

I can't tell his expression. He's hard to read…

"What would you wash away?" He then asks.

I shrug, turning my eyes back to the falling water. "The mistakes I made," I say quietly. "The bad things that happened. The person I was."

"You can't change the past, nobody can Ana. But you can let it go. You can move on."

I can't help but look at him. "Is that what you did?" I ask. "Move on?"

"It's not that simple," he answers, looking ahead. "But you can always try, and that's what I do. I try."

Questions form on the very tip of my tongue but I bite them back.

Not now. Soon, but not now.

* * *

After I start to feel cold, we decide to go shopping. Taylor drops us to _fifth avenue_ and I grin.

"I feel like I'm in gossip girl," I say upon getting out. I'm standing in front of _Dior_ and my eyes sparkle just a little.

I've never been in one of these expensive designer stores.

"Would you like to go in?" He asks.

I shake my head with a nervous laugh.

"Why not?"

"Christian…it's Dior," I say, feeling that it's pretty self-explanatory.

"Named after myself," he says cockily. "Come on."

He strides in confidently and I fumble after him awkwardly.

" _It's Christian Grey,"_ a sales assistant whispers to her friend animatedly.

I see eyes widen and I didn't realise that people would recognise him so easily. Perhaps they heard he was in the area.

The store is huge and sparkly, screaming wealth and expense. There's few people in here which makes the stares of the assistants even more noticeable. Christian materialises at my side once again and looks down at me.

"Pick something," he says casually. "Anything you want."

I can't speak for a second.

"What…why…I…"

He rolls his eyes. "Stop overthinking Ana," he chastises. "Think of it as a present for agreeing to teach Violetta ballet."

"I don't need anything," I assure him.

He takes a seat next to one of the white pristine mannequins, crossing one leg over the other.

"We're not leaving the store until you choose something," he insists.

I narrow my eyes at him and he chuckles. He's _so_ bossy.

I know that Mr Grey is a billionaire, and anything in here is pocket money to him but still…I'm not used to people spending their money on me. Jose never really did and my parents only forked out for ballet. I feel a little overwhelmed and slightly shy. He gets more comfortable and gestures to the store with his hand.

"Go ahead."

Having seemingly no choice, I walk around slowly, a thousand thoughts running through my mind. Why is he insisting on buying me a gift? Is it really a thank you or does he actually like me? I sure like him. He's the only person to make me feel so…alive. When I'm in his presence it's like all the noise in my head takes a backseat and becomes fuzzy. He's the only channel worth focusing on.

I finger a blush rose suede jacket on a mannequin. It's soft and beautiful. Christian suddenly makes me jump as he materialises behind me once again.

"You have to stop doing that," I mumble.

He laughs. "You have to be more aware of your surroundings. I see you've found something." His hands join me in stroking the garment. "That colour will look lovely with your skin."

I smile.

The jacket costs almost $3,000 which is just insane. I awkwardly hover behind him as he gets it and I feel the sales assistant's eyes on me which makes me a little anxious. Out in the fresh air, I can breathe again. I turn towards him.

"Thank you, you didn't have to do that, so I just want to say thank you."

He nods. "Just…don't mention it to anyone okay?"

I raise my eyebrow. "So this isn't something you do for all of your employees?" I ask.

He shakes his head with a small smile as we start to walk. "No. It's not."

I feel my insides warm all over. Maybe he does like me after all.

* * *

We shop for a little while longer after that. Christian buys Violetta a welcome home gift which consists of sparkly pink Gucci shoes and a matching hairband in the kids and baby section. After that we get pizza for dinner in an upscale restaurant and to my surprise, I'm actually hungry and eat two full slices which Mr Grey seems extraordinary pleased about. As the sun starts to set, he announces he has a surprise for me.

"What is it?" I ask excitedly like a 5 year old on Christmas day.

"You'll like it," is all he gives away.

Taylor drives us along Manhattan slowly and I watch as the beautiful colours in the sky start to emerge. Orange fades into hazy yellow and I feel that peaceful feeling once again. I have no idea where we're going as we step out but I welcome the surprise anyway. When I faintly see a helicopter in the distance I throw my hand over my mouth.

"Oh my gosh," I say, "were going…"

"On a helicopter ride and night cruise," he finishes, taking my hand gently in his. It's soft and warm and it's just all _so_ perfect. I haven't felt this way in so long.

It is amazing and everything I could have wanted from my trip here. The helicopter is nerve wracking but I find that I'm not that scared with Christian here. It overlooks the gorgeous city that is New York, The Big Apple, The Empire State Building…everything. And then there's the cruise which is fairy-tale like. There's no one but us and the tour guide and the sailor. I stand as we come in closer to the Statue of Liberty and take as many pictures as I can. Feeling brave, I also take one with Christian. Stars start to appear in the sky as we make our way back to shore, cascading the water in a pearly glow as we glide along, breathing in the fresh air and drinking champagne.

"You're amazing," I whisper to him. "Thank you, today has been incredible."

I throw my arms around him, hugging him tightly and much to my relief, he hugs me back.

* * *

Once we're back at the hotel, Taylor bids us goodnight.

"See you tomorrow Taylor," Christian nods to him.

It's quite now and I'm feeling pretty tired. It's been a long day. Christian walks me to my suite but lingers outside of the door, seemingly warring with himself. After a few seconds he looks straight at me.

"I'm glad you had a good time today Ana," he says.

"It was the best," I grin.

He sighs. "I…hmm."

I wait.

"Would you like to come to my suite again?" He finally says. "I know you don't really like being alone," he adds.

"Yes," I answer automatically. "I'll just, um, get changed." I gesture to the door and he nods.

"I'll wait."

As I get inside I stand against the door and take a deep breath, trying desperately not to think of Mr Grey standing outside as I undress. I fumble through my suitcase and try to find something…appealing. I finally settle on a satin pair of pyjama shorts and a matching camisole. When I reappear, he looks me up and down.

"You'll be cold," he says as we walk.

"I suppose you can keep me warm again," I reply and then curse myself internally. Maybe the champagne has loosened my tongue but then again maybe not. With him I feel like an open book, which is so unlike me. Nobody truly knows the real me but with him, it's like I want him to read every page.

I want to read his too.

To my surprise, and delight, he just laughs and shakes his head. "Come on," he says, opening the door. "Want anything?" He asks courteously.

I shake my head. "No thanks."

True to form, he's right and I am cold. I wrap my arms around myself thinking that this is the price I have to pay for wanting sexy pyjamas. He smirks.

"Told you so."

I stick my tongue out at him.

"Come on," he takes my hand and leads me to his bedroom. He peels back the duvet. "Get under the covers. It'll be warm."

"I can sleep in your bed?" I ask warily.

"You slept there last night," he shrugs, taking off his shoes. He has a point, but this time he's inviting me. Last night I fell asleep.

The lights are dim in here and the soft blankets and warm glow are calling me. I crawl in, relishing the feeling of being in such proximity with this beautiful man. As I lay there, it dawns on me that I'm sleeping in my boss' bed. What if somebody knew? It looks like something more…is this even okay?

"You need to stop overthinking," Christian says, climbing in beside me. It's a king size so he's all the way on the other side. He feels far away.

"I just…"

He cuts me off.

"I don't often think about rules Ana," he says. "I suppose I have an advantage, being my own boss but still, I don't remember caring much for them as a child. When I grew up though, I told myself that I would do what feels right, and I wouldn't do what feels wrong. Sometimes, you have to just live in the moment."

I think about his words. They hold a lot of significance and I try to do just that. Just for now.

"Are you excited to see Violetta tomorrow?" I ask.

He smiles and nods. "I've missed her."

We're both propped up on our elbows looking at each other. It truly is the most connected I've ever felt with somebody, and we're not even touching. The electricity is palpable.

"When do you want me to start teaching her?" I ask.

"As soon as you want. We'll sort it out, I was thinking evenings though. I can drive you back with me."

"That sounds good," I nod.

"She'll love you," he assures me.

"Why's that?"

"She's obsessed with pretty things." He lays down and stares at the ceiling and I bite my lip, suppressing a smile.

I wonder how he feels about Sophia passing away. My heart breaks for him and his little girl, to have her ripped away from them. It's like Brett and I, only worse because they shared a child. I wonder if this is him trying to move on. God knows I need to as well. The only sounds that fill the air are our synchronised breathing and the gentle rush of the winds. I decide to approach the subject cautiously.

"Do you miss her?" I ask quietly. "Sophia I mean."

He stays staring at the ceiling. "I do."

"Were you…married?"

He doesn't answer and I shake my head, laying down too. "You don't have to answer. I'm sorry."

He sighs a little. "I wasn't married no. Truth be told, I never had any intentions of marrying her."

I look at him in surprise now. I wasn't expecting this. I wait for him to continue.

"Sophia was a model," he finally says. "She modelled for various designer brands. I met her through a friend at an event."

I absorb his every word.

"We started dating, I liked her. She was bright, fun, interesting, but it was nothing too serious. We had a good time and then she became pregnant. I wasn't exactly happy. I hadn't planned on having children yet, if ever, but when Violetta came, I fell in love with her. I'd never loved anything or anyone as much as her."

I smile.

"She was about ten months old when Sophia died. She travelled quite a bit, still doing various bits of modelling. She was in Italy when it happened. She fell off a building, so they said, but I think she jumped."

I gasp. "Christian…."

"She wasn't happy," he says, continuing over me. "She suffered from postnatal depression and she was just always out, all the time. She never really bonded with Violetta."

"That's so sad," I whisper.

"It is," he agrees. "I felt guilty…I still do."

"It's not your fault," I say immediately.

He looks at me and gives me a small smile. "I feel like it is…the thing was, I never really connected with her. I didn't pay her much attention especially when Violetta came. As I said, she was just a girl I was dating. There were no true feelings there and I feel guilty. I still do. The grief I feel now is for Violetta, who will never know her mother. She has my family sure and Sophia's but it's just not the same."

I look across at him and in this moment, I realise how achingly lonely he is. I realise that because it echoes my own feelings completely. I reach across and squeeze his hand. He's shared a part of himself with me and I want to do the same.

"I lost my boyfriend to suicide," I say quietly. "So yes, I know how you feel."

He looks at me seriously.

"He was named Brett." Memories of him flood my brain. Blonde, tanned, he was the all-American soccer player and I adored him. "We'd known each other forever, our parents were best friends, we lived on the same road. We were just inseparable, we did everything together. Naturally, as we grew older so did our friendship. We started dating, I went to his prom with him…"

"What happened?" Christian asks.

"I wanted to go to college in Seattle and he wanted to go to California. He wanted me to come with him and we started arguing all the time. When I look back, I think we had always felt pressured to be with each other romantically you know? It was just the expected thing off everyone, especially our parents. It was easy. Being in a relationship, it kind of killed the special friendship that we had and I told him I needed a break. A few weeks later he hung himself."

"Ana, he was clearly depressed, he had his own reasons," Christian says. "Just as you told me, it wasn't your fault."

"I know," I nod. "But it doesn't stop the guilt. I just kept thinking for ages that if I hadn't asked for a break he'd still be here. I still miss him every day, but I miss the best friend I had. Not necessarily the boyfriend. He was a huge part of my life and then one day he was just gone forever." Tears sting my eyes and I can't help it. It's hard but it also feels incredibly relieving to get it out. To tell somebody that I trust completely. It feels just as easy as talking to Rebekah, maybe even easier. "He didn't leave a note or anything," I continue, wiping my eyes. "I just want to know what was going through his head but I'm never going to. That's the hardest part, not knowing why."

"There's some things we'll never understand," he says. He moves closer to me and wipes the tear from my eye. "But I'm glad you told me this. I want to be there for you Ana."

My breathing gets a little heavier. His eyes are so pretty.

"I feel different when I'm with you," I confess. "I feel like things can make sense again. I feel peaceful, more connected with the world I suppose."

His fingers are still lingering on my cheek. I wish I could know what he was thinking. I'm about to ask, "Christian-"

But he cuts me off by placing his lips on mine.

* * *

 **A/N Sorry for the cliffy, don't hate me. Hope you all got some answers. Next chapter soon, i'm back at uni now so things are a bit busier. I love your reviews and hearing your thoughts so please do leave a comment. Love always xoxo**


	12. Chapter 12

It's instinctual. I press my lips back against his forcefully, mounding them with his own. They're soft and warm and firm, all at the same time. He is the best kisser I've ever had.

Christian deepens the kiss, and so do I, letting our tongues play with one another. I wrap my thigh around his waist and he strokes it, all the way from my ankle to my hip bone. I break away gasping for air, suppressing a moan that's desperate to escape.

He looks at me and I look at him. I'm scared he's going to pull away but he pulls me closer and buries his face in my neck.

"You smell so good," he says.

I giggle.

"You _feel_ so good," I reply.

He nuzzles me there softly and I run my fingers through his hair. Something I've wanted to do for a long time. The little circles he makes on my hips feel both comforting and arousing.

I could just lie here in his arms forever. I'd be content.

"We better get some sleep," he says quietly against my skin.

Disappointment rises in me but I know that he's right. This can't happen right now. It's much too soon and there's so much to think about. I care about him and for me, this is an enormous step.

"Okay," I whisper.

He shifts me around so that I'm facing away from him and then he holds me by the waist, pulling me flush against him. Pulling my hair to the side he kisses my neck softly making me moan again.

"Goodnight Ana," he whispers, lingering there. "Sleep well."

I feel myself shiver all over.

"Goodnight Christian."

* * *

It's one of the best sleeps I have ever had. I feel so peaceful and content and I just don't want to ever get up.

When I awake I realise that Christian isn't there and admittedly I'm disappointed. It's cold and so I slip on the oversized robe next to his bed and tread out quietly. He's in the lounge, dressed and there's tea on the coffee table. He motions me over and I walk to him nervously. I'm praying that he doesn't regret kissing me last night because I sure do not. I go to sit in the seat opposite him but he surprises me greatly by pulling me gently on top of his lap.

I squeal in surprise.

"Sleep good?" He asks.

I nod.

"I got you tea," he says, bringing the cup to my lips. It's the perfect temperature and I sip it. It's such a sweet gesture.

We're silent for a few moments and I lay my head on his shoulder.

"Christian, what's going to happen?" I ask apprehensively.

"What do you mean?"

"With, us," I confirm. "We kissed last night..."

"And did you like it?" He asks abruptly.

I shift so that I'm facing him. "I did," I smile.

"Then that's all that matters." He kisses me again briefly. "I want to take care of you," he explains.

My smile grows wider.

"You're absolutely gorgeous, do you know that?" He states.

I kiss him again.

"I thought you didn't get involved with your staff Mr Grey," I whisper against his lips.

He smirks at me and it's so sexy. "You've always been the only exception Miss Steele. I think you know that."

He kisses me back forcefully and I tangle my fingers in his hair.

* * *

The urge to hold Christian's hand is strong as we make our way to the airport. Ros and Andrea are chatting animatedly in the back and I make a note to tell Christian about them later on.

On the plane, I watch movies opposite Christian while we steal glances at one another. I'm upset when we land.

"I'll see everyone tomorrow," Christian says as he bids his staff goodbye and they make their way home. "It's been a successful trip so well done."

It's just us and Taylor left when he turns to me. He finally takes my hand as he leads us to the car that's waiting for us outside.

"Excited to be going home?" He asks once we start to drive.

"I've kind of liked this weekend away," I admit.

"There'll be more," he promises with a wink. "Maybe with beaches and bikini's next time."

I laugh.

We pull up to my apartment and despite my bittersweet parting, I'm excited to see my parents and Kate again. I've missed them. Christian helps me and then bids me goodbye with a wave. I promise to see him tomorrow.

My mother launches on me as soon as I walk in the door and I hug her back just as enthusiastically.

"Hi sweetheart did you have a good time?" She asks.

I nod, putting my bag down.

"It was great."

"Well come on, tell us all about it. I'll make you a snack and Kate should be home soon."

We spend the rest of the day chatting about my time in New York and spending time together. When Kate gets back we go out for dinner before my parents leave for the night.

Once Kate and I are back at the apartment, I swear her to secrecy as I tell her about Christian.

"Are you serious?" She asks, mouth wide open.

"I know," I grin. "He invited me to sleep in his bed and then kissed me. He said that he wants to take care of me."

She puts her hand against her chest. "Oh my god Ana, this is Christian Grey. _The_ Christian Grey. Do you know how much of a big deal this is? This is insane."

"I know, I still can't believe it."

"Did you sleep with him?" She asks curiously. Typical Kate, always wants to know the dirty stuff.

I shake my head. "Not yet, I don't think he wants to rush it."

"Hmm. So _you_ would have?" She presses.

"Yeah, probably," I blush. "I'm just so attracted to him. But after consideration I do think it's better to wait." I lean back into the pillows and wrap my arms around my knees. "I've never felt this way about someone before Kate...he actually makes me feel. It's scary but I never want it to stop."

"Ana I'm so happy for you," she says genuinely. "I really hope this works out for you."

I smile at her. I have the greatest friend ever.

* * *

It's the morning and I'm ready for work. My hair is down and my makeup is light as usual. I have butterflies thinking about seeing Christian again. I also have a small bag packed with me that contains my ballet attire, as tonight is my first session with Violetta. I cannot wait to see the little beauty that Christian adores so much.

Christian is interviewing for a job opening at the office and so I don't see him until lunch. As soon as he walks in however my heart does that whole skipping a beat thing and he walks over to my desk. He pulls me up.

"Come eat with me," he says, pulling me against him. "I'll have Andrea bring something up."

Her name brings a surge of memories. "About Andrea," I grimace.

He loosens his grip and looks down at me concerned.

"What's wrong?" He asks.

"I don't think she likes me very much," I confess. "I hate to be a tell-tale, I've tried to ignore it ever since I got here but it's just been getting worse. Ros was also acting funny on the trip. They keep glancing at me, ignoring me, and Andrea's said a few mean things."

I look at my shoes. I feel so silly.

He frowns. "You should of told me," he insists. "I'm going to speak with them."

"I don't want them to think you're playing favourites," I confess anxiously.

"You _are_ my favourite," he says matter-of-factly walking over to his desk.

He grabs his phone roughly and dials.

"Andrea," he greets coldly. "I want some lunch for Anastasia and I."

I can't even _imagine_ the expression on her face. I'm not sure if I want to.

"I'll have a turkey sub, Ana will have a chicken salad. And a black coffee for myself, tea for Ana. Don't take long, I'm hungry."

He puts down the phone and I can't help but smile gratefully at him.

About ten minutes later Andrea brings our food coldly. I'm sat at Christian's desk and she looks at me with a frown.

"Something wrong?" Christian asks her.

"No of course not," she shakes her head and plasters a smile onto her face and then one in my direction. "Enjoy your lunch Mr Grey, Anastasia."

She leaves quickly and Christian watches her.

"She tried to make advances on me in her first year here," he says through a sip of coffee as she shuts the door behind herself.

"Really?" I ask, though I'm hardly surprised. He's absolutely _gorgeous. W_ hat woman wouldn't want him?

He nods. "I rejected of course, told her the same thing I told you only with her I _meant_ it. I've never once had an interest in any of my staff members, until you came along."

My inner girl is doing cartwheels and then he looks down at my untouched salad.

"Just, try and eat as much as you can," he says carefully. "Don't worry about finishing it."

I'm surprised. Does he know? He can't, I've never...

"Okay," I murmur, a little taken aback.

* * *

After lunch, Christian has interviews again but when I'm finished for the day he comes back.

"Ready to go?" He asks, helping me with my coat.

I nod.

"I usually finish work a lot later but I've made Monday's my exception for Violetta's lessons," he says. "And for some alone time with you of course."

I flush thinking about alone time with Christian. I've been aching to touch him and for him to reciprocate ever since I met him.

"I'll be picking her up from school today," he says, "so I'll drop you at mine first, you can get ready and familiarize yourself."

"Familiarise myself?" I say hopefully.

He grins. "Yes. I hope you'll be spending quite a bit of time there."

His hand brushes across my waist and I shudder.

"Of course," I say quietly.

Christian drops me to his house and my goodness, it's out of this world. He lives in a secluded, gated community of bellvue and there is a passcode required to open the gate to his home. We drive up the cobbled steps, surpassing gardens and stones until we reach the enormous house. I sit there in the car gaping. Christian turns to me with a chuckle.

"Come on," he says.

I finally remove myself from my seat and enter the most beautiful house I have ever seen. Immediately we step into a marble foyer that opens on out to an impressive lounge that boasts wealth, luxury and decadence. A chandelier is pride and place and the couches are all soft leather Gray with pristine wooden flooring.

"I've got to go and get Violetta," Christian says from behind me, distracting my thoughts for a moment. "Gail, my housekeeper is here so feel free to ask for anything to eat or drink. I won't be long."

He kisses the top of my head and quickly leaves.

I step into the kitchen and it truly is extraordinary. Sleek, sophisticated and shiny with an island for days and every possible tool you could ever want. I used to bake when I was younger and I imagine myself doing that in here, for Christian. I envision him walking through the door and licking the cookie dough off my fingers before he lifts me and takes me... _Stop Ana_.

I decide to leave him to show me the rest of the house and so I quickly go upstairs to look for somewhere to change. Turns out however that there is a door on the first floor that says 'Violetta's Ballet Studio' engraved in what can only be... I gasp. No, surely not. Surely he hasn't engraved his daughters name in a million little pink Swarovski crystals? I shake my head and turn the knob.

It's every ballerina's paradise. The fact that this belongs to a four-year-old girl makes me want to cry. The room is enormous with smooth flooring, ballet barre's, changing racks and a piano in the corner. I could dance in here all day and as long as Christian allows, I fully intend too.

I quickly start to change and I've brought the whole ensemble to please Violetta. She's only little and I want to look _exactly_ like a ballerina. I have tights, pale pink leotard and matching tutu with my pointe shoes. I slick my hair back into a classic ballet bun and do a few warm ups and stretches. I haven't danced for a while but once I start, I find that it's as easy as breathing.

I'm so immersed in dancing in this wonderful room I do not even hear the door open. Christian smiles dazzlingly at me and I blush.

He then maneuvers out of the way where I can see Violetta, nervously clutching his hand. She is in soft little ballet shoes, pink tights, leotard and tutu, exactly the same as I wore when I was younger. Her hair is in a messy little bun with curls falling out and she leans in to Christian's side. She is the most adorable little girl I've ever seen.

"I got her changed downstairs," Christian explains, walking forward with her. He looks down at his daughter with nothing but love and adoration in his eyes and I melt.

"Violetta, this is Ana, she's going to be your ballet teacher. Will you say hello to her? She's came all this way to teach you."

She looks at me with her big grey and green eyes and rocks back and forth on her heels. She is a carbon copy of Christian.

"Hi Ana," she whispers.

I bend down to her level and take her hand, pulling her gently toward me.

"Hi Violetta," I smile. "You look lovely in your ballet clothes, are you ready to dance with me?"

She nods excitedly.

"Okay, come on then and we can do some warm ups."

She takes my hand as I lead her to the centre of the room.

Violetta gets through the warm ups easily and I go to teach her how to run first as it's the first thing I ever learned. Christian however has other ideas as he sits in a chair, watching us.

"I don't know about you Violie, but I'd like to see Ana do a whole dance first, wouldn't you sweetheart?"

"Yes!" She grins.

"Just so we can see what you'll learn to do when you're older," he clarifies with a smirk toward me.

"I don't have any music," I say nervously.

He gets up and goes to sit down at his piano.

"You can play?" I ask wonderstruck.

He nods and flicks through a book. "I've perfected a few already, can you dance Odette's Swan Lake?"

I nod. I did an examination on that dance and it's one of my favorites.

"Swan Lake it is," he agrees.

I position myself, my heart beating fast and then the music starts to play and I'm transported to a different world. He plays so perfectly it hurts and I feel my body become separate from my mind and my limbs begin to move of their own accord. It's entrancing and I let the glorious sounds fill my veins as I pour my heart and soul out into the dance. I pirouette and leap my way around the vast studio and it's as if time has stood still. Nothing matters anymore except this dance and the music flowing through me. I barely notice when the music stops but Violetta's clapping brings me back down to earth.

"I want to do it!" She grins, her eyes sparkling.

I smile at her and look over at Christian. He's just staring at me and I can't make out the exact expression on his face. But from what I can tell, it's a good one.

* * *

Violetta thrives in her first lesson. She's very eager and a brilliant listener.

"Daddy I did good," she exclaims, running into his arms when we end.

He kisses the top of her head and it's just about the most endearing thing I've seen.

"Let's go get changed and we'll have dinner," he says to her.

He then looks over at me.

"You too," he winks.

Gail, Christian's housekeeper serves us dinner. Violetta is changed into soft leggings and a little t-shirt, her blonde curls spilling wildly around her. She is as cute as a button. Christian sees me looking at her and smiles.

"She's gorgeous," I tell him.

"She is," he agrees.

We're having chicken and veggies and it's prepared spectacularly. Violetta's a good eater, unlike myself as a child. I remember picking at everything my mother gave me. I must have drove her insane.

"Ana are we dancing tomorrow?" She asks me sweetly.

Christian saves the day. "Ana can't tomorrow sweetie, she has school to go to."

"Like me?" She implores.

"Yeah," I nod. "I have to go to school too."

"Oh."

Christian and I both laugh.

"I can come the next day though," I say leaning forward. "How does that sound?"

"Yeah," She grins through a mouthful of food.

I turn to Christian. "If that's okay with you of course."

He kisses me on the cheek softly in reply.

After dinner Violetta goes off to play and Christian strokes my face softly.

"You're the most beautiful dancer I've ever seen," he says honestly. "I could watch you all day. You have a gift Ana and you need to share it with the world."

"I kind of lost my passion for it," I admit. He knows why so I don't have to explain.

He tilts my head upwards. "You can get it back."

"I hope so," I say quietly.

I wonder if he knows the magnitude of his pull over me. I suspect he does, at least on an unconscious level.

"What is it about you?" He murmurs, more to himself than me.

"I could say the same," I reply under my breath.

"Can I persuade you into staying the night?" He asks. He leans forward and kisses my neck seductively. "I've got an enormous tub upstairs, you can have a bath."

I feel myself already starting to get wet, purely just from his words. _How_ does he have this much of an effect on me?

"Will you be in there?" I ask, closing my eyes. His tongue licks across my earlobe and I shudder.

"Mhmm."

"Then yes," I practically plead.

* * *

 **Please review xoxo**


	13. Chapter 13

Tuesday 15th October 2016

After agreeing to spend the night with Christian, he announces he has some work to go and attend for a little while. I suspect he's giving me some one on one bonding time with Violetta but I don't mind. She's lovely.

I find her in the living room playing with Lego. I make my way over and sit down on the floor next to her.

"That's amazing," I tell her. "What are you building?"

"A princess castle," she says in deep concentration, not breaking eye contact with the purple piece in her hand. Her eyes are so big and she's just _beautiful_. I idly wonder what Sophia looked like. I bet she was beautiful too.

She looks up at me then with a smile. "Do you want to help me?" She asks.

"Of course," I reply enthusiastically. "You'll have to show me how though."

"It's easy," she says confidently and then talks me through the instructions. I listen intently, absorbed by her sweet little voice and hand gestures. She's so well spoken and intelligent. When she's finished, I nod my head.

"I think I can do that," I assure her.

She grins and passes me the piece.

* * *

I'm having so much fun playing with Violetta I do not even notice when Christian appears behind us. I look up at him and he smiles.

"Having fun?" He asks.

"Daddy look at the castle," Violetta exclaims before I can answer. "Ana helped me."

He bends down to inspect the pretty purple castle. "Wow, you sure did a good job," he marvels. "It's fantastic."

She hugs him tightly and it's adorable. It's clear how much she loves her father and it makes me happy.

"We've got to go get you ready for bed now," he says, standing up with her. "You have school tomorrow remember," he kisses her on the nose and she giggles and wrinkles it.

He turns to me then. "Ana, I won't be too long. Half an hour or so I suspect. Feel free to do whatever you want."

"Bye Ana!" Violetta says happily as Christian carries her up the stairs and I wave goodbye to her as I sit surrounded by purple and pink Lego pieces.

With her absence, the silence is profound. I'm staying the night at my boss' house. This is just…unreal. Are we going to sleep together? I know the answer is probably yes. The sub conscious voice in head whispers in my ear that this is the only reason he wants me. A young girl to fuck.

I beat it down immediately as I quickly stand. _No_. That's not true. He could fuck anybody he wanted to. He's Christian Grey for crying out loud. He didn't have to bring me to his home, introduce me to his daughter and be so sweet to me if all he wanted was sex. I believe he cares about me because I'm truly starting to care about him. It terrifies me. I sit on the couch as I wait for him. A little unsure of what else to do, I try to watch some mindless TV. The words are buzzing sounds in my ears however and my mind is full of thoughts of Christian. I can't help but think about how he makes me feel each time he touches me. I've wanted him since I first laid eyes on him. The lightest of his touches set me on fire and now i'm in his home, waiting for him to come down the stairs and run me a bath. It's hard to comprehend.

He doesn't make me wait too long. I hear his footsteps before he comes into view and my heart starts to race a little. He flops down on the couch next to me and pulls me into his side. I relax immediately and all my worries and anxieties melt away just from his warmth. His effect on me is ridiculous.

"Is she asleep?" I ask quietly.

He nods. "She was tired from all the dance."

"Aww," I smile. I look up at him and he looks down into my eyes."You and Sophia made a beautiful child Christian," I say honestly. "She'd be so proud of her. Of _you_. I just hope you know that."

He doesn't say anything. He looks at me for a long moment before bending down to kiss me gently. My kiss back is a little more enthusiastic but I can't help it. My lips have a mind of their own and Christian Grey is just way too irresistible. He's the first to break away and he stands, pulling me with him.

"How about we take that bath?" He suggests.

I lean against his chest, looking up to him with a nod.

* * *

Christian's bathroom is exquisite. There's an enormous circular tub that sits prettily in the center, faucets that are golden and flooring that looks like crystals.

"This is insane," I say in wonder.

He just chuckles and walks toward the bath, beginning to fill the tub. I watch as the hot steam rises, filling the room in its hazy cloud and Christian adds numerous liquids, salts and crystals until it's a foamy lilac whirl of wonder.

"Lavender," I say as I inhale the amazing scent.

Opening my eyes, I find Christian removing his shirt and my god he's beautiful. I have never seen such a perfect specimen of a man before and I want to run my fingers down every single inch of that defined chiseled chest. He makes his way toward me with a smirk, clearly aware of the effect he has on me. Admittedly, I'm a little speechless.

"Ready?" He asks.

I nod.

He fingers the strap of the leotard I still have on along with a pair of jeans. I hyperventilate just a little as he slowly pulls it down.

Self-consciousness floods my senses as I anticipate his reaction to my body. I've lost a little weight recently. Sensing my nerves, he bends to kiss me as his hands run down my arms, bringing the straps with him. My breasts are now bare to his eyes and without breaking the kiss he brings a hand up to cup one, making me moan a little. The heat from his touch spreads through me and I lean into him more. When we break away, he looks down at his hand that encases me and smiles.

"You're beautiful Ana," he says honestly.

I flush just a little and reach up to kiss him again. His hands find the buttons on my jeans and he pushes them down, running his hands along my butt and squeezing me there. I giggle and he smirks.

"Nice and firm," he comments.

"Thanks," I smirk back.

Soon, I'm completely naked in front of him. He looks me up and down, touching me lightly. He cups my ass and kisses my neck before whispering into my ear.

"Gorgeous," he breathes, his fingertips playing on my skin.

"So are you," I look up into his eyes as I reach for his pants.

Now _he_ _'s_ naked and I breathe him in. He is absolutely glorious. I run my fingers along his length, which is already rock hard and _very_ impressive. He inhales deeply and I look up at him.

"Perfect," I murmur.

His eyes smolder.

"Come on," he takes me by the hand and lifts me effortlessly into the bath. The warm water hits my skin and I lean into Christian as he settles himself behind me.

We sit like that for a while and it's so peaceful. Our breathing synchronizes and Christian's hands roam my body, squeezing and touching, kissing and caressing. I'm loving every second of it.

"I always wanted to be a mermaid growing up," I say as I trace a shape in the bubbles of the water with my finger.

He chuckles behind me.

"I'll get you a tail," he promises.

I laugh and bring his hand over my belly. The touch of him anywhere feels so good and he definitely knows that.

"You like me touching you don't you Ana?" he says into my ear, shifting my hair to the side and kissing just underneath my earlobe.

"Yes," I breathe. I'm not even trying to hide my reactions. I crave every part of him.

He cups my breast again and flicks my nipple between his fingers. I sigh and turn around, now straddling him in the water. I kiss him hard and he holds the back of my head as he kisses me forcefully. His tongue plays with my own and I run my hands through his soft hair, making it wet.

"Can we get out now?" I ask a little breathlessly.

I'm in his arms before I can even blink and he carries me to his bedroom, closing the door behind him. I don't really have the time to admire the artwork on the walls or the vast space of grey because my body is instantly trapped between Christian and the silky sheets beneath me. He feels hot and damp above me and I'm a little bit of a mess as he covers my neck in wet kisses. I moan his name which spurs him on as he continues his trail down my body. He is now at my belly button where he swirls his tongue around and I run my foot along his back. When he reaches the apex of my thighs, I'm aware that I'm now on full display to him. Not only can his eyes see the most intimate parts of me, they can also see my scars which always bring back painful memories. My breath hitches when I know he sees them but he doesn't say anything. Instead, his lips press delicate warm kisses there, along the insides of my thighs. I wrap them around his head before his tongue licks along my clit and I cry out. My hands knot into his hair but he's relentless. He keeps up his administrations and I hold on to him harder. Two long fingers soon come up to join his tongue as they plunge into me, hitting the surface of my g spot. My back arches instinctively; my thighs wrap themselves even tighter around him.

"Fuck," I moan, gripping the sheets.

He fingers and licks me harder until I feel my orgasm approaching and my god, it's intense. I clench my legs and close my eyes, breathing hard and fast as he helps me ride it out. Coming down from my high, I feel his breath on my skin as he makes his way back toward me. His teeth nip my bottom lip and my eyes finally open. His hands then grip my wrists, lifting them above my head. He pins them with his own so I can't move and the action is so erotic that I'm getting wet again instantly.

"Are you on?..."

I cut him off. I don't want to talk. "Birth control, yes I'm on it," I whisper. " _Please_."

He smirks and shifts slightly as my legs automatically part for him. He pushes inside with one quick movement and I almost scream. God, he's big, and fills every part of me. I've never felt that before and he starts to move at a rapid pace before I have time to accommodate. With each forceful thrust he hits right against my g spot and with my hands unable to move, it's even more powerful. I'm a mess of sweat, sensation and pure heady pleasure beneath his slick, strong body. _Never_ has sex been like this and I find myself completely overwhelmed with pleasure. I wrap my thigh around his waist, allowing deeper access and cry his name when he thrusts even harder and faster. I am entirely consumed in Christian Grey, his body, his touch, his breath, his grunts. The stain of his sweat on my heated body and his tongue connecting with mine is mind blowing. Our kisses are passionate and never ending and I break away from his hold so that I can hold him. My hands are like wildfire; I can't get enough. The passion is tantalizing and I feel alive. So many emotions run through me at once and I let them wash over me, reveling in this man's ability to make me feel. I'm no longer an inactive participant in sex, I'm engaged and involved and I'm enjoying _every_ single moment. His fingers now grip my hips, lifting me higher so that we can get even closer. His mouth over mine drowns out a lot of my screams and I hold onto his perfect ass with one hand, pushing him into me. He never slows the pace, his stamina truly astounding. He lasts for _ages_ , so long that I feel myself coming again and I'm stunned that I'm reaching my second orgasm of the night so soon. I usually never orgasm from sex and it takes _hours_ of foreplay to even achieve a mediocre one.

"I can feel you about to come," he whispers against my neck. He sucks hard there and I moan loudly. It will definitely leave a mark.

I'm _so_ wet it's unreal and I too can feel it. The brink of my orgasm soon crashes over with full force, in time with Christian's. I feel his warmth erupt inside me, mixing with my own and I scream again. My voice feels hoarse.

"Oh God, oh God," I breathe rapidly. "Ahh."

Christian's teeth graze across my collar bone before he brings himself to look up into my eyes. My chest rises rapidly against his, my heartbeat fluttering wildly. I can't even speak as I start to regain control of my body and breath. We just stare at each other for an eternity until our heartbeats slow. I stay entwined with him, never wanting to move and he grabs hold of one of my hands that lie limply at my side, slipping his fingers through mine.

"You're…like a sex God." I finally breathe out.

He chuckles softly and kisses me again quickly, grinning. "Am I?" He enquires cockily.

"You _know_ you are," I counter. "That was the most amazing…god, Christian, I can't even explain. I've never…" I trail off, just in complete awe and amazement. I'm truly at a loss for words. That was the most mind-blowing experience I have ever had.

"I know, me too." He finishes for me.

I'm scared of the feelings that are emerging. I'm _so_ afraid to love him in case I lose him. Life is unpredictable. Humans are easily breakable. They can be sad and want to leave. I tear up because I'm enormously conflicted. I'm so used to being a blank canvas that I'm _terrified_ to have his colours drawn all over me.

"What's wrong?" He asks suddenly.

I shake my head. "Nothing. That was just amazing," I assure him, fighting the emotions away. I grab his head again and pull him down to my lips. He's distracted now and flips us around so that I'm on top. I kiss his neck and trail down that glorious body until he's in my mouth. This is what I'm good at. I can make him feel good, I can bring him immense pleasure.

I just don't if I can be good at love. I'm not sure if I can let all of this _feelings_ in. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough.

* * *

 **Please review! I love to know your thoughts! Also, I'm doing my FIRST CPOV of this story over on my blog (details are in my profile) and the first TEN reviewers will get a sneak peak of his point of view before the chapter goes up. The POV is from this chapter so we get to know what's running through Christian's head while seeing Ana dance and then having sex with her. Hope you enjoyed and I'll see you soon xxx**


	14. Chapter 14

**I was going to put this on the blog but it was too long so I decided to just post it as a chapter here instead. Hope you enjoy a glimpse into Christian's head.**

 **CHRISTIAN POV *C13***

Watching Ana dance was mesmerising. She was simply…perfect. Her elegant form prancing like a swan around the room. The graceful movements of her arms and legs, swaying in time with the music. The most perfect vision stood before me and I was entranced.

It was like a feeling I've never encountered before and I still can't quite describe it. All I know, is that I was overwhelmed and completely hypnotised. I wanted to watch her dance forever and as long as she allows me, I shall ensure she gets her passion for dance back.

Coming out of my office, I find Violetta and Ana playing with her Lego blocks in the lounge. The sight is endearing and I picture a different scenario. Ana sporting an enormous diamond ring as she sits in my t-shirt from last night drinking coffee on the couch while Violetta chatters happily to her. I shake my head and reprimand myself. _Get a hold of yourself Grey_ I chastise, but I can't help it. Visually, she's everything I've ever wanted. Small, brunette, naturally beautiful with no surgical enhancement or plastic fillers. And then she fulfils the persona criteria also. She's quiet but she's also extremely open. She says everything that's on her mind with no consequence. She is kind and gentle, she's sexy and responsive. Caring, thoughtful, humble. The list is endless really and throughout my own life, I've yet to find somebody like her. I've had my fair share of beautiful women, there's no doubt about that but they were hollow. Like dolls. Visually perfect yet void inside. Ana is beautiful yet she has depth and I know she's damaged also. Like me. She has her own demons which she's battling with and I can't forget that. She needs to heal.

Violetta breaks me out of my thoughts by showing me her castle. I marvel at it with her before carrying her upstairs and getting her ready for bed. She has a bath and I wash her while she splashes.

"Will Ana come back daddy?" She asks thoughtfully.

I still momentarily. "Yes honey," I tell her. "She's teaching you ballet."

"I want to dance like her," she says. She then looks up to me with a smile. "She's pretty."

"She's very pretty," I chuckle. "Like you."

I finish up her bath and read her a story before she falls asleep. I watch her sleepy eyes close and pure love warms me. She's my everything and before her, my life truly was a blur of grey. Woman to woman, always chasing the biggest figure. When I made a million I wanted to make two. When I made two I wanted ten. I pushed myself to the limit and rewarded myself with the pleasures of beautiful models. Sophia was my last. The blonde haired dark eyed Italian beauty took my breath away when I first met her at an event. She was leggy and curvy with the most stunning smile. She captivated me straight away and I had to have a taste of her. That very same night, after a few too many martini's, she found herself in my bed, bent over and been fucked within an inch of her life. She was fun and we dated longer than I'd ever dated anyone. Sex was great, she was hot and adventurous. But she was sad too and she didn't want to be pregnant. Pregnancy wasn't a beautiful experience for her; she cried a lot and stayed inside. When Violie was born, she never bonded with her and she was out all the time. When I got the call that she'd died, it didn't surprise me but it did sadden me. I'd never intended to stay with her for the rest of my life or even marry her but I wanted Violetta to have her mother. Sophia was too young today and I still blame myself for not recognising her post-natal depression and seeking help.

As I look at my daughter, Sophia's features are etched there. The small curve of her nose and her caramel blonde curls. Aside from that, she's all me. With a kiss on her head I make my way downstairs to find Ana.

I find her watching TV and sitting on the couch. She looks nervous and so I sit down beside her, pulling her into me. I instantly feel her body relax and I take comfort in knowing I can make her feel safe. I want to protect her, take care of her. I want to pamper her and pleasure her. She needs to be mine.

* * *

"Is she asleep?" She asks softly. Her voice is so pleasant. I could listen to it all day.

"She was tired from all the dance," I nod.

"Aww," she smiles. She's then quiet for a moment before she says "you and Sophia made a beautiful child Christian. She'd be so proud of her. Of _you_. I just hope you know that."

I consider her for a moment before kissing her. Her kindness and the sincerity of each word runs through me. She kisses me back hard and I stand, bringing her with me.

"How about we take that bath?" I suggest, running my fingers through her hair.

* * *

She has no idea the effect she has on me and I'm yearning to feel her bare skin against mine and drink in her beauty. She nods shyly and I take her hand, leading her upstairs. Once in the bathroom she exclaims 'this is insane,' and I chuckle, leaving her to look while I run the bath. I make it hot and add lots of lavender and vanilla crystals and bath gel things. I know that women love this shit and hopefully, Ana does too. When I turn around I see her closing her eyes in pleasure

"Lavender," she says dreamily.

I remove my shirt swiftly and make my way toward her. I watch as she opens her eyes and watches me carefully. I smirk, knowing that she likes what she sees. I want her to want me as much as I want her and so I play up the sexy.

"Ready?" I ask.

She nods silently and I play with the strap of her flimsy leotard. I pull it down slowly, gauging her reactions. Her breathing grows a little heavier and I bend to kiss her as I bring the straps down fully. She tastes like tea and I cup her breast as we kiss. She moans and fuck…it makes me hard instantly. Breaking away, I look at the perfect breast I'm holding and they're perfect. Not big but not non-existent. A decent size, perky and full with beautiful rose pink nipples. I just want to suck on them all night.

"You're beautiful Ana," I tell her honestly. I want her to know that.

I watch as she blushes to match the lovely colour of her nipples and kisses me again. My hands now find residence in her jeans and I push them down, along with her thong and squeeze. She giggles and I do it again. She feels perfect.

"Nice and firm," I tell her.

"Thanks," She smirks and it's hot.

I push the rest of the offending clothes off and she steps out of them. I don't let go of her ass as I kiss her neck, marveling at her beauty. She's perhaps too thin, it's true, but I pieced together a few things. Ballet, depression…and generally observing her. It's clear she has an eating disorder but I want to help her through it. In no way however does it diminish her beauty and I tell her that.

"Gorgeous," I say softly.

"So are you," she smiles, hypnotizing me with those pretty blue eyes and grabbing my boxers. She pulls them down and her eyes widen when she sees my dick. I can't help but smirk. I'm very well-endowed and I intend to show her all of my many talents.

She touches me softly and I breathe in. Fuck it feels good. Her soft little hands caressing me.

"Perfect," she whispers and lust washes over me.

"Come on," I lift her into the bath and press her against me. As soon as she's settled I tilt her head back to kiss her upside down, all the meanwhile squeezing those perfect breasts. I help wash her and it's hot, bathing together. I haven't been this intimate with a woman for so long and I've never felt this way with _any_ woman.

"I always wanted to be a mermaid growing up," she says idly as I'm busy running soap down her arms.

I laugh. She's crazy.

"I'll get you a tail," I promise.

She laughs her sweet laugh and brings one of my hands over her stomach. She likes my touch and I tell her that.

"You like me touching you don't you Ana?" I whisper in her ear.

"Yes."

I cup her again and squeeze before rolling her nipples between my fingers, pinching softly. She sighs softly and turns around abruptly, kissing me fiercely. Her hands knot in my hair and she whispers urgently against my lips.

"Can we get out now?" She asks.

Sex is now the only thing on my mind. I want to fuck her so good, I want to devour every part of her. I lift her wet body out of the bath and run super speed to my room, slamming the door shut behind me. I drop her onto the bed and hover over her, kissing down her gorgeous body. She's all hands and heavy breaths and I suck her nipples while she strokes my hair.

It's not enough. I want to make her orgasm before sex and I'm dying to taste her sweet pussy. I trail my kisses down till I reach the glistening apex of her thighs. She's pink and wet and she props her thighs up as I kiss between them.

The deep scars momentarily distract me but I try not to let it show. They're pretty bad, there's a smaller slash on the left but there's two large ones on the right. they look like they were done with either a knife or…I shudder at the thought. _A razor blade._ Did somebody do this to her? Did she do this to herself?... I can't think about it right now. I'm concerned and I'm going to ask her but not right now. I want to make her feel good and I can tell she's self-conscious so I kiss over them softly. They do not make her any less perfect to me and I want her to know that. I lick her clit now and she tastes as good as I imagined. Sweet and salty and she moans loudly.

"Fuck."

I get hard again and lick her harder and harder, fingering her soon after as she pants and tugs my hair beneath me. I work her over until she comes in my mouth and I help her ride it out as she screams softly. I instantly climb back up her body, hungry for more. I nip her bottom lip and watch her closed eyes. Her long eyelashes fan her face as she breathes heavily. I kiss her deeply and pin her hands above her head. I can't wait any longer. I need to be inside her.

"Are you on?" I ask but she cuts me off quickly.

"Birth control. Yes, I'm on it. Please," she practically begs.

I'm in no more need of persuasion and I thrust into her instantly, burying myself in her tight wet warmth.

"Fuck," I grunt as I kiss her.

The feel of her is better than anything I've ever experienced. Everything about her is addictive. Her screams, her voice, her soft body. I thrust rapidly in and out, eliciting beautiful moans that drown out in my own mouth. I feel myself hitting her g spot and her body pulsating with each thrust. She's loving every minute of it and so am I. I've had great sex plenty of times but it's never felt like this and the feeling is alien to me. _What is she doing to me?_ I'm not sure if I can make her happy in the long run. I'm fucked up, I have a dark past with too many demons. I want her by my side but I'm suddenly developing these…feelings and I've never dealt with that before. They're more intense than I originally imagined and they only increase with each thrust. What am I supposed to do?

 _Fuck._


	15. Chapter 15

I wake up in the morning before Christian. It's still grey outside and Christian is next to me, breathing softly.

Last night was indescribable. It was unlike anything I've ever experienced. The connection was tantalizing and I never wanted it to end. But now, in the blurry morning, things are a little clearer. I can't fall for Christian. I can't let myself fall in love and get hurt a second time, I just don't think my heart can handle that.

I get up quietly, not wanting to face him. I know it's cowardly and cruel, but It'll be harder to say goodbye to his face. I scribble him a goodbye note and place it beside me Once I'm out of bed, I realize how sore I am. The sex was amazing and so is Christian, but this has to be the end. I'm not strong enough. I dress swiftly and before leaving, I press my lips against his hair.

"Goodbye Christian," I whisper.

As I make my way out, tears fill my eyes. It's self-inflicted but I swear I can feel my heart breaking. Surely it's not supposed to hurt so bad?

But it does. I feel myself falling apart with each step.

* * *

Once I'm home, I change into my lounge clothes and sip black coffee. Kate's not here which I'm grateful for. I don't think I can deal with too much talking right now.

My mind keeps wondering back to Christian. I wonder what he thought when he woke up? I wonder if he even cared...

Today's Wednesday so it's my day off but I'm in tomorrow. I'm nervous because I'm not sure how it's going to go down, what he's going to say to me. Perhaps he will just be able to accept things for what they were. We had sex, it was amazing, but now it's time to be realistic. He's my boss and nothing more can happen. I'll continue to work, and I'll continue to teach precious little Violetta ballet because I made a promise.

I just can't let myself fall into that rabbit hole again. I have no choice but to protect my fragile heart.

The rest of the day is quiet. I do some yoga to try and calm down and plan the lessons for Violetta I'll be doing for the next few weeks. After that, I get some school work done before having a shower and getting an early night. By 9pm, I'm already fast asleep.

* * *

I wake up at 5am. I don't have work until 9:15 and so that gives me a lot of time to relax, and to endlessly worry about Christian. He hasn't called or messaged since I left yesterday morning and so I assume that it's been decided that we'll just remain as we were.

I work out before breakfast, but I find I'm not even hungry. I settle for more coffee instead. As I drive into work early, I feel the weight of gloom setting over me. There's no skip in my step today and as I walk into Christian's office, I'm almost close to tears. I have nobody but myself to blame however so I get on with the mammoth pile of work he has left me and blink back my misery.

Christian doesn't come into the office until lunch. When he does, he's not alone. A young red headed girl trails behind him, giggling and holding two salad bowls. Christian holds two coffees and gestures to the girl to sit across from him at his desk, where I'm accustomed to sitting.

"Oh hello Anastasia," he says, looking at me for the first time. The tone of his voice tells me he didn't even notice I was in the room.

"Anastasia, this is Meghan, our newest intern. She's a freshman at Washington State and she'll be working up here with us. I was hoping you could show her the ropes."

I feel ice cold and my voice takes on a steely tone.

"How many assistants do you really need?" I ask coldly.

Meghan looks at me in surprise. She's shocked that I'd ever talk to Mr glorious Christian Grey in that way.

"As many as necessary," he says, just as coldly. "The last time I checked, this was my business. After lunch, I hope you'll give Meghan a tour of the offices and give her any tips you've found useful. This should lighten your work load."

He then looks back to Meghan and they continue to chat and eat. I excuse myself, bag in hand as I dart from the office. Tears sting my eyes. How could he do this to me? How could he be so cruel?

I feel like I'm choking until I stand outside where I can breathe again. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. How can I go back and act professional while I show Meghan the ropes? But I only have myself to blame. I'm the one who walked out on him after he invited me into his home. I'm the one that left a note saying goodbye. Is this reaction of his purely to get back at me? Or was Meghan really chosen as intern? There's so many questions that have no answers and right now, I don't even want to find out.

I sit in Starbucks during my lunch break, sipping on a lemon tea. I try to not think about the fact that Meghan is sitting in my seat, or that Christian is laughing with her. For him to move on straight away suggests that maybe he never cared anyway and I was delusional to think he did. Maybe he did just want to get my panties off.

Men are good at that.

I go back to work and wipe any remaining tears from my face. I will not let him see me cry. I shall remain professional, finish my internship and graduate. I will see Rebekah, I will take my meds, I will not let a man be the end of me.

Christian and Meghan have finished their lunch by the time I'm back. Christian's gaze is on me, his lips around the straw of a Frappuccino. Just the other night those same lips were kissing mine. I wonder if he's thinking about it. I sit at my desk quietly and sort through some files, keeping my eyes averted. I don't look up until I can feel his presence in front of me.

"I'm off for a meeting and won't be back for the rest of the day. I'd like you to show Meghan around and talk her through everything before resuming your work."

He looks through me. His face is a perfect poker face; I can't read him at all. I remember how my fingers felt in his hair, how his skin felt underneath my fingertips. The intensity of our night of passion. I will myself to nod curtly and I look away again. I have no idea what's happening to me.

He leaves now and things are a little easier with him gone. I feel more myself and I stand up, introducing myself to Christian's new assistant. She's a lot taller than me, dripping in expensive designer gear. Loose red curls fan out below her voluminous chest and she gives me a big smile, shaking my hand.

"It's nice to meet you Anastasia. I'm so happy to be working here with you, I really do hope we can be friends," she says warmly.

The eagerness and friendliness of her tone stops me in my tracks momentarily. I expected her to be bitchy and aloof but she's the exact opposite. As I give her a tour around the building, I also find out she's smart. She's studying business and marketing and speaks four languages fluently. She's also a yoga and green smoothie fanatic and thinks that Christian is stunning.

Rich, beautiful, smart and charming? What more could he want? I was stupid to ever think he could possibly want me. I feel even more stupid for the fact I was falling for him.

"Can you believe he's single?" She asks as we step back into the office. "I just can't believe it."

I shrug as I sit back at my desk. I do not want to talk about Christian with her. She sits on the top of his desk and bites into an apple.

"I wonder what his policy is on dating his staff," she giggles.

"You should ask him," I reply sarcastically.

She looks at me with wide eyes. "Never. My mother taught me that the number one rule is to never through yourself at men." She takes another bite and shrugs. "You have to let them chase you. If they want you, you'll know about it."

I don't know what to say to that so I just smile. She then asks me if I want to grab drinks after work which I politely decline.

She pouts. "Next time?" She asks. "What's your last name? I'll add you on Facebook. Actually, no, what's your snapchat. I'll snap you tonight!"

I sigh. She's way too enthusiastic for my somber mood and I truly have no desire to be besties with the girl Christian hired to replace me.

* * *

It's Saturday today. The rest of the week was uneventful. Meghan talks way too much and Kate has been stressed out nonstop over deadlines and her bitchy boss. Also, Christian never mentioned Violetta's ballet lessons to me and I've hardly seen him at work.

I just want to curl up in a ball and wait for everything to go away. Unfortunately, that's not the case. My mother arrives at ten in the morning carrying donuts and coffee. She bustles her way into the kitchen, laying everything out on the table.

"Where's Kate?" She asks, taking a seat.

"Sleeping. She was studying all night."

My mother takes a bite of donut and as I reach for my coffee, she stares at me intently.

"You're not eating," she states.

I do not reply and with a sigh, she places the donut down.

"Ana, baby," she pleads. "You have to eat. I know it's hard, I know how much you've been through but starving yourself is not the answer."

I sip my coffee and shake my head. "I don't see it that way. It's not something I think about. It just...happens. I can't help it if I'm not hungry."

"You need to see someone."

"I already see Rebekah," I retort. I'm sick and tired of having these discussions with her.

"No, a specialist. A specialist that is trained in eating disorders."

"I don't have an eating disorder."

"Dammit Ana!" She shouts. "You're wasting away in front of me. Your eyes are dark, the only thing you consume is coffee. I want you to get help. I can't watch my daughter become this...shell."

"Maybe I've always been this way," I say, standing up. I pour the coffee down the sink and rest my hands on the counter.

I just want her to go away. I want everything to go away.

"No you haven't. You were my bright happy little dancer," she says. "I want her back."

"Maybe that's what happens when you grow up in make believe land," I say angrily, turning to face her. "Maybe that's what happens when your parents are too busy vacationing all over the world to look after their own daughter, so they leave her with Verity or Brett's family. When you come home, you give her a present and everything's all peaches and cream. I grew up sticking my fingers down the back of my throat at twelve years old so I could look like the older ballerinas at school. And then we'd put a sparkly tutu over my ribcage, to hide what was happening. I grew up covering everything bad in my life with glitter but painting over a scar only masks it. How do you cope when that bubble is shattered and you come crashing back down to earth? What happens when the boy you grew up with end loved killed himself with no note? We even sugar coated that," I laugh bitterly. "I remember Betsy trying to pass it off as an accident gone wrong at first but we all knew the truth."

I'm running out of breath so I stop. My mother stands across from me with wide teary eyes.

"I gave you the best childhood I could," she defends herself. "The childhood I never had. Brett dying was not my fault Ana, it was nobody's fault. You have to move on. You can't live in the past forever, you can't keeping holding on to something that's gone."

I face away from her. I don't need this right now. There's no point in ever arguing with my mother because she has an answer for everything. She could argue with an empty room.

"Just please, go," I say tiredly. "I don't feel well; I'm going back to sleep."

She sighs and stands next to me. I feel her arms wrap around me and I close my eyes.

"Don't for one second think I'm ever going to give up on you," she says quietly. "Go back to sleep. I'll be back tonight, I'll bring dinner."

With that, she disappears and I disappear back to bed. I'm way too tired to notice the tear stains on the pillow.

* * *

 **A/N I did say this story was not insta love. It's messy, with flawed characters and reflects realism. For more fluffy stories please check out my others. Hang in there, I promise you won't be disappointed. Sorry for the long wait, next chapter will be up much sooner. Please leave me a review xx**


	16. Chapter 16

Monday 21st October 2016

Monday morning comes way too quickly. It's hard to motivate myself to move out of bed. I just want to stay here forever. Unfortunately, I can't. My overbearing mother will probably have me sent away if I start refusing to leave my house and I really can't deal with that right now.

So, I get up robotically, shower, dress and brush my hair. I drink two cups of coffee and force down half an apple before making my way to work. It takes everything in me not to turn back when I arrive. I can't deal with seeing Christian today and I can't deal with Meghan.

As I walk in however, Ros Bailey stops me in my tracks. Admittedly, I'm a little taken aback because we so rarely cross paths these days.

"Ana," she says with a warm smile.

"Um, hi," I say. I hitch my bag up over my shoulder and fidget awkwardly.

"Mr Grey said I can borrow you this week over in my department, come this way."

"What do you mean?" I ask, unmoving. I feel shivers running through my spine.

"You'll be working in my department with me this week," she says again, her smile dropping considerably. "It's sorted with Mr Grey."

"Well, I'd like to talk to him myself," I insist.

She looks pretty much glares at me then.

"Anastasia, I'm your superior and you will be working with me this week. I'm not going to discuss this any further."

I want to throw my bag in her face. Who does she think she is? I storm past her, heading to the elevator. I ignore her protests as I stride ahead. If Christian wants to get me out of his office, then he can tell me himself. Not leave it to his bitchy colleague.

I enter his office without knocking and my anger rises tenfold when I see Meghan talking to him at his desk while she sips coffee. She looks at me startled as I enter and smiles sheepishly.

"Hi Ana," she says, quickly moving over to her own seat.

My eyes lock with Christian's. He does not look pleased to see me.

"I need to talk to you," I say.

He doesn't answer for a moment. Eventually he asks Meghan to give us a moment and she scurries out of the office.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I ask, once she's gone. "Are you really chucking me out of your office?"

He shrugs and stands. "Staff move around all the time. They change departments, try new things."

"You put me with Ros? Ros who's always with Andrea? How could you do that to me? After I told you how they treated me."

He sighs. He's already fed up of me and it's been less than ten seconds. "I talked to them. They will treat you civilly. I have a no bullying policy here."

I stare at him incredulously. There's no trace of emotion in his eyes. Did he ever actually care about me? I let him go because I cared too much, and now it's like he doesn't even care at all.

"I don't want to," I finally say.

"You don't really have a choice."

"You're replacing me with Meghan?" I ask, eyeing her bags over on my desk.

He doesn't answer, he just stares at me hard. His cold gaze is making me want to cry and I already know his answer.

I shrug. "Okay," I nod. I blink back tears. "Fine, you win. Have your replacement. I quit. If you don't want me here, then I'll go. Take Meghan, I hope she does a much better job than I ever did."

He still doesn't say anything and I can't help it anymore. The tear finally falls and I wipe it away angrily.

"You're just like the rest of them," I cry. "I never want to see you again."

I turn on my heels. I hear him call my name faintly but I carry on running. I run to my car where I collapse in a heap of tears. Right now, in this moment, I can understand why Brett did what he did. If he was suffering like I were now, I can understand why he did it. Because in this moment, I feel like I can't breathe. I want everything to stop, I don't want to feel like this anymore. Before I do anything stupid, I dial Kate.

* * *

Kate drives me home and makes me tea. I tell her everything and she strokes my hair softly, comforting me and never judging.

"Maybe you should see Rebekah," she says. "She'll know what to say Ana."

"I don't have an appointment," I reply wearily.

"I think you can get emergency ones," she says, standing. "I'll book you one with her for this afternoon."

I shake my head. "I don't want to talk."

She looks at me sadly, phone in hand. "That's the point."

And I know, deep down, that I need help. If I don't get it, I'm not sure what will happen to me.

* * *

Sunday 16th December 2016

As I walk into my apartment, Kate bounds out toward me, throwing her arms around me so tightly I can barely breathe.

"God I missed you," she cries.

When I pull back, I can see tears streaming down her face which is so unlike Kate. Seeing her cry makes me cry as well.

"Ana banana," the sound of my childhood besties chiming together make me cry even harder.

Verify and Freya wrap their arms tightly around me and I'm a sobbing mess.

"You're all here," I breathe.

"Of course we are," Freya says.

I've missed my red headed angel.

"We all wanted to be here when you got back. Kate got us down here and we're having a sleepover."

"That will be lovely," my mom says from behind me. Her and dad carry my bags and set them down in the lounge.

"I can't believe it," I whisper. "You truly are the best friends I could ask for."

Carla and Ray both hug me goodbye then and my mother kisses my forehead.

"I'll be by tomorrow," she says softly. "Call me if you need me."

I nod.

As soon as they're gone, Kate pulls me into my bedroom. "We've got you brand new pajamas, your favorite snacks and movies. Chop."

I roll my eyes but do as I'm told.

Fifteen minutes later, I'm in the lounge with blankets, cushions and my girls watching clueless.

Kate looks over at me and squeezes my hand.

"You look absolutely amazing," she says, eyes looking over my new figure. "I've never seen you like this before."

"She's breathtaking isn't she?" Verity sings, wrapping her arms around me.

"Did you get the tube?" Freya asks.

Verity nudges her and scoffs. "Don't ask her that."

Freya shrugs. She's never been one for tact.

"It's okay," I laugh. "But no, I didn't get tubed."

On the day, I left my internship, I was close to taking my own life. Everything had become unbearable and I couldn't seem to find a way out. After an emergency appointment with Rebekah, she sent me to an inpatient clinic in Vancouver that treats young girls and women ages 16-25 for anorexia nervosa and other mental illnesses. I was officially diagnosed with the eating disorder the day I arrived. At 5'2, I weighed 6 stone and recovery was hard.

I saw a psychiatrist three times a week, group therapy twice a week and weekly weigh-ins. I also received a different medication for depression and made friends with other girls suffering through the same things as me. I wasn't happy to be there at first, but now, I knew it was the best decision I ever made.

I learned how to get through my feelings positively, finding an outlet in writing and dance. I learned how to enjoy food again and although I'm still in recovery, this is the best I've felt in a very long time. I finally feel as though I've broken the surface after drowning for so long. I've still got a while to swim to the shore but I'm not sinking anymore. I'm swimming.

As we enjoy the movie, the girls still can't get over my new figure and neither can I. I'm now 7 and a half stone exactly and I have curves in all the right places. I'm more womanly and much healthier. My hair is glossier; my nails are perfectly manicured. My complexion is rosy and the dark circles have disappeared. I haven't seen myself this way for so long. It feels good to feel good about myself for once.

"Do you have school to catch up on Ana?" Verity asks, passing me the popcorn bowl.

"Yeah," I say, "but not that much. I did some in hospital and John's meeting me next week to help me with things I missed."

"Who's John?" She asks, wagging her eyebrows.

"A guy in my class," I chuckle. "He's very sweet and he's also gay. He messaged me all the time in the hospital did you know that? He's such a good friend, I'm going to make sure I make more time for him from now on."

"That's so sweet," she gushes.

"It is," Freya agrees.

"What are you doing tomorrow Ana?" Kate asks then. "These two aren't leaving until Wednesday so I hope you've not made plans."

I shake my head with a smile. "I haven't. However, I do need to go back to Grey's enterprises for a moment."

"Why?" She asks hesitantly.

"I need to get my reference."

"Can't they just send that over?"

I shake my head. "My therapist says to heal; I need to face things. I can't run away from my problems anymore."

She nods warily but doesn't say anything else for now.

"Won't it be a really bad reference?" Freya asks, stuffing her face with chips. "Didn't you quit?"

"Probably," I shrug. "Nevertheless I need one to get a new internship for the new year. I'm thinking about getting something in dance or writing. They've become my outlets."

"That's great Ana," Verity grins. "I'm so proud of you."

"I'll drive you to Grey's," Kate says. "We can go in the morning while the girls are still sleeping."

I nod. I know she wants to make sure I'm okay. The last time I walked in there I ended up in hospital for almost two months. However, that girl was the old Ana. The new Ana is looking forward to the future. She's giving herself a second chance and daring to dream for the first time in forever. It may take a while, but I'll get there in the end.

* * *

 **Please review I love to know your thoughts/theories xxx**


	17. Chapter 17

"You don't have to do this," Kate says kindly to me as we pull up. "I can go in and do it for you."

I shake my head. I'm nervous but that's to be expected. However, I want to prove to myself that I can do this. That I can see him, speak to him, and move on.

"I can do it," I finally say with a finality. My mind is set and I'm ready.

She looks at me hard before nodding.

"Okay, I believe you. I'll be right here."

I throw her a grateful smile before stepping out of the car into the frosty December air. As I approach the building, I am surprised that I do not feel a wave of gloom wash over me. I feel okay.

Once inside, I'm extremely warm again and I walk up to the reception.

"I'm Anastasia Steele," I say. "I have an appointment with Mr Grey to go over my references."

She nods curtly and begins tapping away. It's clear my name been passed around here because I can see faces watch me with distain. Apparently quitting your internship at Grey's is not a common thing.

"I'm sure you remember where Mr Grey's office is," she smiles stiffly. "You can go on up."

As I make my way up, the nerves start to creep up on me again. I'm not sure how this is going to go or how I'm going to feel but I know that to move on I must see this chapter of my life close. Truth be told, I've thought about Christian Grey a lot while I've been away and I need to let him go. Just like he let me.

I knock on the office door hesitantly and I hear his voice. I wonder if he's expecting me and then curse myself. _Of course he is._

Walking into the office, I'm relieved when he's alone. The office looks different, but he looks exactly the same. He's just as beautiful as I remember and I feel myself start to ache with a need I can't really understand. He stands immediately as he sees me.

"Anastasia," he says quietly.

I walk in, wrapping my coat further around me.

"I'm um, I'm here for..."

He cuts me off.

"I know what you're here for."

I nod. I find I can't speak much. I was not prepared for the feelings I'd have at seeing him again. He looks perfect, as always, but there's a sadness in his eyes.

"Sit down," he gestures and I do so gratefully. He sits back in his seat opposite me and for the first few minutes, we just stare at one another. It is him who breaks the silence.

"How have you been?" He asks. "I called a few times, there was no answer. I presume you've been busy with school?"

I cough a little before shaking my head. "Actually, uh no. Not exactly."

He leans forward, waiting with anticipation.

"I... for the last few months I've been in Vancouver," I say quietly. "I was sent to a hospital clinic for my eating disorder."

His brows furrow together. "You've been ill?"

I nod.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He says, trying to calm his temper. I'm not sure why he's getting so worked up.

"I had no idea," he says, sinking back into his seat. "I had no _fucking idea_ it was that bad."

"I'm sorry," I'm not sure what else to say to him right now.

"Shit, no, it's not your fault. I knew you had eating problems yes, I knew you were slightly depressed but this... _god_. How bad was it Ana?" He says pleadingly.

"It was bad," I admit.

"I'm sorry," he says, head in his hands.

"It's not your fault."

"How are you now?" He asks quickly.

"I'm better than I was. I'm getting there."

He looks at me now, his eyes raking over my figure, my face, my hair… I can't help but wonder if he likes what he sees.

"You look beautiful," he says.

Those words coming from his mouth make me involuntary flush. After a few minutes of awkward silence, I speak.

"So, about my reference..."

"You don't need one. You can come back here," he says.

"Oh, no," I shake my head. "I want to go somewhere new, no offence. It's just, easier that way."

"Easier for who?" He asks.

I shrug. "Me, I guess."

Because looking at him right now, my feelings are creeping back and I can't help them. I need to move on.

He nods reluctantly and starts typing on his computer.

"What happened to Meghan?" I ask a few seconds later.

"She's with Ros," he says quickly. "I moved her. She talks way too much."

I can't help but laugh a little but deep down, I think there's something more that happened between them. I say nothing.

"How's Violetta?" I ask next. "I feel bad I never gave her lessons."

"I hired another ballet instructor," he shrugs. "She preferred you but she'll manage."

Five minutes later he hands me a transcript of my reference which is absolutely glowing. I smile gratefully at him because I know he didn't have to. I did storm out after all.

"It's saved on your file," he says. "Any potential employers will see it when you apply. I've also emailed you a copy."

"Thank you," I whisper, standing up.

He stands too and escorts me to the door. Once I arrive, I linger there. For some reason I don't want to open it because if I do, I know I'll never see Christian Grey again.

He looks down at me and once again, I feel the burn of the tears stinging my eyes. One escapes without permission. Christian's finger gently wipes it away and I laugh half-heartedly.

"I don't know why I'm crying," I say. "Just, ignore me."

Without warning, the same finger that wiped my tear tilts my chin up and his lips land on mine. They're warm and the kiss is soft and delicate but over all too soon.

"Take care Ana," he says. "Promise me you'll look after yourself."

I nod because I can't speak right now.

With a lingering kiss to my forehead, he opens the door and closes it again before I can even say goodbye.

* * *

"How did it go?" Kate asks once I'm back in the car.

"It was fine, he gave me an amazing reference."

"You know what I mean," she says as she starts to drive.

I sigh. "It was hard seeing him again but we said goodbye. I'll be okay," I take her hand and squeeze it.

"That's my girl," she grins. "Come on. Let's go wake the sleepyheads up."

* * *

Having all my best friends here for a few days is amazing. We go ice skating, dessert, the movies and we have a games night. After they leave Wednesday morning, I meet John at a cafe on campus.

"It's good to see you Ana," he says as he approaches.

I give him a big hug. "Thank you for being so wonderful," I say taking a seat.

"It's no problem," he blushes. "How are you doing? You look really great."

"Thank you," I smile, getting out my laptop. "I'm much better. I've still got regular checkups and appointments but I'm on the right track."

He smiles happily and pulls out his books as we set to work.

After a few hours, my brain can't take anymore and I shut my laptop closed.

"Want to go do something fun?" I ask him.

"Like what?" John asks warily.

I giggle. "Don't worry, it's nothing bad. How about mini golf or bowling or something? I feel like I haven't done anything fun in a while."

"Okay," he grins.

I drive us to the bowling alley in town and we change into ugly shoes.

"I'm so going to beat you," I challenge.

"Good luck with that, I came first in bowling society at school."

"You were in a bowling society?" I laugh. "Why does that not surprise me?"

He chuckles and we start to play. Unfortunately for me, by half time John is beating me and I go to the vending machine to grab a soda. That's when I hear the most angelic little voice call my name.

"Ana!"

I turn around to see Violetta standing next to me looking up at me with a big smile and those wide pretty eyes.

"Oh hi darling," I say immediately, bending down.

She hugs me instantly and I kiss the top of her hair. The connection I have with this little girl after only meeting her once is astounding but for some reason, it feels right. When I pull back, I notice her dress.

"That's such a pretty dress," I exclaim.

She giggles and twirls for me.

At that moment, Christian appears. "Violetta," he says annoyed. "What have I told you about running..."

He stops when he sees me and I stand up.

"Daddy Ana's here," she says happily.

"Ana," he breathes.

"Hi," I smile awkwardly.

The last time I seen him we kissed and said goodbye. It was all very strange and I'm not quite sure how to act now.

"Ana are you coming back to be my ballet teacher?" Violetta asks.

"Violetta, go and stand with Mia and get your bowling shoes," Christian says.

I watch as she runs off to a small blonde woman and takes her hand. I can't help but wonder if that's his new girlfriend. I then remind myself that it's none of my business.

"It's nice to see you," he finally says.

"You too."

"Who are you here with?" He asks, looking around.

"My friend John."

"Oh," he nods. I can't read his expression. "So, how are you?"

"I'm good." I shift from one foot to another. When did talking to him get so hard?

He nods again. All he seems to do is nod.

"I better get back," I say, motioning to John.

He goes to say something but then stops himself. "Okay, well, I guess I'll see you then," he says with a frown.

"What's wrong?" I ask instantly.

He shrugs and looks away, over at Violetta putting her shoes on.

"I miss you," he finally says.

My eyes widen in surprise. Whatever I'd been expecting him to say, it definitely wasn't that. I don't know what to reply. I can't admit I miss him too because there's no point.

"Christian," I finally say but he cuts me off with a harsh glance.

"I know, I get it. I got the note Ana, loud and clear."

I grimace.

He shakes his head now and looks back at me. "Have a nice day," he says. And then he strides off, out of reach yet again.

* * *

 **Pre-written the next couple chapters so super speedy updates for all you loves. Hope you enjoy, see you tomorrow and please leave a review xxx**


	18. Chapter 18

After Wednesday, the rest of the week drags. On Saturday, I have my therapy session and on Sunday my parents come around to make dinner. Monday, I'm busy studying but I can't stop thinking about Christian and his conflicting ways. I wonder if he truly does miss me. I've missed him since I walked out on him that dreaded morning and since getting better, I've been regretting that action more and more.

"Whatcha thinking bout?" Kate asks, disturbing my thoughts.

She bounds into the lounge eating an apple and wearing a silky robe.

"Nothing," I close my laptop. I'm too worked up to study right now so there's no point.

"So, how do you feel about dinner and cocktails at a very upmarket place tonight?" She asks, flopping down next to me.

I sink into the cushions and shake my head.

"Oh come on," she whines in her pleading little girl voice. "It will be fun. There's sushi there."

"Go with somebody else," I mumble.

"I am going with somebody else," she rolls her eyes and pulls the cushion out from under me. "The other day at work, a guy came in. Apparently, he's friends with my manager but whatever. He was absolutely gorgeous and he asked me on a date but I'm nervous."

"You're never nervous," I scoff. "And I'm not third wheeling."

"You won't be. He's bringing his brother because I said I'm bringing you."

"Kate, I am not going on a double date," I insist, sitting up now.

"It's not like you have to do anything," she scoffs. "Just sit there and eat. It's not even a double date."

"Nope," I insist.

"Oh please Ana, I'd do it for you," she pleads. "He's called Elliot and I've never felt this way before about anyone."

"You met him once at work," I laugh. She's so dramatic.

"Yeah but I had a good vibe," she insists. "Please come with me Ana. You're my best friend in the whole wide world. Pretty please with a cherry on top. We can stay one hour maximum if you hate it."

"Ugh, fine," I groan, mostly just to get her to shut up and stop whining.

She squeals and hugs me till I feel about to burst.

"Thank you!"

I shove her off. "You owe me big time."

"I know," she nods jumping up happily. "I'm going to sort out my outfit," she grins.

I grimace, already knowing how much I'm going to regret this.

A few hours later and I'm showered with blow dried hair wearing a brand new red dress that now hugs my body in all the right ways. For the first time in a long, I feel beautiful.

"You're just stunning Ana," Kate compliments me, "I can't explain how good you look right now."

"Flattery won't get you anywhere," I smirk.

She can't help but laugh.

Kate is dressed to impress in a low cut white midi dress that clashes gorgeously with her tan and bouncy blonde hair. She's busy applying lip-gloss as she calls the Uber.

"We're meeting them there right?" I ask, slipping into my shoes.

They're new black Michael Kors pumps Verity bought me as a welcome home present and I love them.

"Who's his brother?" I sigh, standing in the mirror and fixing my hair for the hundredth time.

"I don't know," she says. "He didn't really mention him but I'm sure he's perfectly nice. Besides, you don't have to speak to him much Ana."

Ten minutes later the Uber arrives and I spend the journey snapchatting Verity about the awful date Kate is forcing me on. She just laughs and tells me to enjoy life. I put my phone down in annoyance.

The restaurant that we arrive at is lovely. It's low lights and soft music make me feel a lot more relaxed and the waiter shows us to our seats once Kate tells him who she is.

We spot them right away, sitting in a cozy VIP booth. Elliot stands to greet Kate and he's very tall and good looking. I can see why she was desperate to meet. Elliot's brother stays seated with his back turned as we approach. I can't help but think it's a bit rude of him. Once we're at the table, I take my seat next to Elliot and right opposite me is Christian.

He looks up at me dumbfounded, just like I am.

"Shit," Kate says instantly, recognizing him.

I glare at her.

"I had no idea," she whispers, tears filling her eyes.

"Is everything okay?" Elliot asks, sitting next to me.

"Everything is fine," Christian interrupts. "Ana had an internship at my office a few months ago."

"Oh," Elliot grins. "That's great then! No awkwardness, you two already know each other."

"We can leave if you want," Kate whispers to me again.

I shake my head. I don't want to sabotage her date and be rude. I'm sure I can survive a few hours with Christian.

After we order drinks, Kate and Elliot get talking. I sip my margarita as Christian glances at me. More specifically, my cleavage. I raise my eyebrows and he actually has the decency to flush a little.

"I'm sorry," he says, averting his eyes. "It's just, your body...you look incredible."

"Thanks."

"So this is your best friend?" He asks, gesturing to Kate.

I nod.

"I've done business with Mr Kavanagh," he states, sipping his drink. "I can see where she gets her confidence from."

"Bet you were hoping she'd bring a different friend?" I laugh. "Maybe somebody like Meghan."

I can't help it. The last few months of pent up hurt are rising to the surface, especially with each sip of cocktail. Not once did Christian email or text me while I was away. He watched me walk out of his office crying and never came after me. I know I hurt him with the note but he hurt me twice as hard back.

"No," he says, narrowing his eyes at me.

I shrug. "You seem pretty into her Christian, not that I mind. You should go for it."

Now he glares at me.

Kate averts her gaze to us for a second before turning back to Elliot. I watch his reaction. He doesn't want to talk about Meghan at all, no matter how much I goad him. Deep down, I know that he fucked her.

"We're going to dance," Kate says standing. "Do you want to come?"

I shake my head. I'm fine.

"Okay, well I'll be right here," she says and touches my shoulder gently.

When they disappear, Christian leans in closer.

"I don't want to talk about Meghan," he says. "I want to talk about you."

"I'm fine," I assure him. I take another sip and brace myself. "I just want to know if it was before or after I went away that you fucked Meghan."

He looks away over at Kate and Elliot. Tears burn the backs of my eyes as my answer is confirmed but I blink them back. I am not going to cry over Christian Grey again. I am so done with him. If I'd had any hope of us reacquainting, this confirmation has completely destroyed that.

"While I was away getting treatment, you were sleeping with my replacement, weren't you?" I ask. "The one you hired to hurt me. While I was being weighed every day, and crying my eyes out and missing home, you had your arms wrapped around that whore."

"I had no idea you were away in hospital," he says angrily. "You left me with a horrible note and acted like nothing had happened between us."

"Last time I checked you were Christian Grey. If you truly wanted to check on me you would have," I spit. "But no, you were too busy checking out how tight she was. I left the note Christian because I cared about you too much. It's a shame it wasn't the same for you."

"It meant _nothing_ ," he growls. "An empty, mindless fuck that practically begged for it. She means fucking nothing."

"I'd like to see how you treat the people that do mean something then," I say firmly, rising to my feet. Before I leave, I look at him.

"When I walked out of your office, I said I never wanted to see you again. I was in a bad place then but now I'm better. I'm in a different place but those words still hold true. Screw you Christian Grey."

I walk off then, each click of my heel echoing loudly on the floor.

* * *

 **This mirrors reality. I have other fluffy stories. This is not one of them. People are flawed, they have to find their way back to each-other, especially damaged people like Christian and Ana. I know a lot of you are upset from the reviews etc but there is a HEA. Hold in there, next update will be tomorrow, I'm doing daily updates this week. Please leave a review, I love your feedback xxx**


	19. Chapter 19

January 6th January 2017

Christmas comes quickly after that. I go back to my hometown with my parents and Kate goes back to hers. All in all, I have a really nice time. I catch up with family friends and I'm able to spend every day with Verity and Freya. It feels like old times and I devour my Christmas dinner, much to my mom's delight. She actually tears up when I ask for more dessert. For New Year, Verity's mom holds her annual party where we dance way too much and drink too much champagne. My Facebook feed is full of tagged pictures with all my friends and much to my surprise, Christian Grey has liked every single one.

Not that it matters.

By the time school starts again, I'm feeling refreshed and happy, ready to jump back into the throws of the next semester. On the first day back, John hugs me tightly as we sit in the lecture theatre.

"How was your Christmas Ana?" He asks.

"It was great," I smile. "How was New York?"

"Nice," he nods. "I spent it with my parents, grandparents and older brother."

"You didn't tell me you had an older brother," I say with a smirk as I get out my notepad.

He chuckles. "I do, he's twenty-five."

"Do you have a picture?" I ask.

He nods and pulls out his phone. When he shows me, my eyes widen in surprise. He looks nothing like John, bless him, and he's very nice looking. Tall, muscular with messy brown hair. He gauges my reaction and puts his phone away again.

"He's single," he says then. "My parents were asking him if he has a girlfriend."

I can't help but laugh. "What does he do?"

"He's a high school teacher. Sports."

I can imagine just how hot he gets some of the students.

"He'd really like you Ana," John then says sweetly. "You're like the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Inside and out." He flushes then and my heart melts.

I squeeze his hand. He is the sweetest thing ever.

After class, I head home and shower before getting into my comfies. Kate arrives half an hour later and gives me a warm smile. Things have been a little distant between us since the whole restaurant fiasco. She's apologized profusely and I've forgiven her just as many times but I can tell how bad she feels. Only time will fix that I suppose.

"How was class?" I ask her.

"Good," she says flopping down to me, sipping a green Starbucks drink. "You?"

"Same. How's Elliot?"

She looks at me then with a flush.

"Did you see each other over the holidays?" I ask her.

She nods hesitantly. "I stayed a few days after you left. We went to the movies and then back to his. He said he was sorry about bringing Christian."

I shrug. "Doesn't matter. I don't really care anymore. He moved on and so did I."

She looks at me then and bites her lip.

"Elliot says he's miserable. I know it's none of my business, but I really do think he cares about you Ana."

I scoff. "He fucked his assistant while I was in the hospital. Couldn't have cared that much," I say, getting up and heading to the kitchen.

"He didn't know you were in the hospital Ana," she says.

I spin around toward her with anger. "Does it matter? Regardless, he still did it. Besides, is this what you and Elliot discuss on your dates? Mine and Christian's fucked up relationship?"

She grimaces. "You know it's not like that. I'm just telling you he cares about you." She stands too now. "People do stupid things when they're hurt. Really stupid things."

She then walks to her bedroom door and I slam the fridge back shut, doing exactly the same.

* * *

I'm still in a bad mood the next morning and so I take myself to the gym to cool off somewhat. After a pleasing workout, I head home to shower before going to class. I don't have a lecture until noon but I'll just study for a while. Anything's better than listening to Kate today.

John meets me at the campus cafe again and we go over a few notes before he tells me his brother is coming to see him this weekend.

"Does that have anything to do with me?" I ask, raising my brow.

"No." He shakes his head quickly.

"Why don't I believe you?"

He laughs. "We're just going to hang out together. Will you come?"

"I'll think about it," I smirk.

After chatting and studying for a while, the door opens and a burst of wind flurries in. I look up to see Meghan coming through and taking a seat at the back of the room. She's by herself, all red eyed and no makeup. I can't help but stare at her.

"Do you know her?" John asks.

I shake my head and look down at my drink. "Not really."

After a few minutes John heads off to class and I tell him I'll be right behind. I have to speak to her. I have to know what happened and so I approach cautiously. She looks up, wiping away a tear quickly and drowning her sorrows in black coffee.

I forgot she went to the same college as me.

"Hi Ana," she squeaks. "You can sit down."

"Why are you crying?" I ask, taking a seat opposite her.

"I got kicked out of my internship."

"Why?" I ask again, although I already know the answer.

"Mr Grey didn't want me there anymore. He fired a bunch of people but never even gave me a reason."

"You'll find another one." I say carefully, having no idea why I'm trying to console her. I guess it's because of how pathetic she looks right now.

"It's not just that," she says, looking down at her nails. "I thought he liked me Ana. As in, _liked_ me."

"Did you sleep with him?" I ask bluntly.

She looks up at me in surprise but I wait for her to answer.

"Yeah," she finally says. "But it wasn't like I thought it would be. He didn't take me on a date or anything. We just did it in his office and then he told me to go home. To be honest, I know that he gave in. I sort of…came on to him. He never called or anything and the next day he sent me to a different apartment. Now, he's gotten rid of me completely."

Fresh tears fall from her face and I pass her a napkin. I can't help but feel sorry for her. After all, she's just an eighteen-year-old girl. Christian should know better than to hurt her this way but then again, she threw herself at him.

"Well, I'm sorry." I say honestly. "But if he treated you like that he doesn't deserve your tears. There are plenty of guys out there."

She sniffs into the napkin and smiles up at me gratefully. "Thank you Ana."

I nod and head off to class.

* * *

Wednesday is my day off and so I decide to go internship hunting. The first place I go to is a ballet studio in town that teaches small children ages 3-6. They offer internships and I'm going to see if they have any available in person. Sometimes they take too long to reply to emails.

The place is very upscale and reminds me of my old ballet studio a lot. A kind faced woman named Dawn greets me at the door and I tell her I'm Ana from the email.

"Right this way Ana," she grins. During our meeting, she tells me all about the role I'll have to do and what days I'll be in. She seems to really want me.

"Your dance history is excellent," she says as we stand. "If you'd like, I can show you a class. They're just finishing up so the parents will be there but you can see some of the children and the studio."

"Of course," I say and follow her lead.

The studio is vast and ten tiny little children are finishing up their lesson. I watch for a few minutes and then the class ends. I spot Violetta with her blonde curls a mile away and in turn, she spots me.

I barely have time to register her before she collides with me. She's clad in a tutu and her bun all falling out as she grins up at me.

"Ana you're at ballet!"

"So are you cutie, are you having fun?" I grin.

I try to be happy but I can't. If Violetta is here, that means Christian is and I just can't deal with him anymore.

"Yes, hi daddy," she says.

I smell his stupid aftershave even before I see him.

"Hi," he says to me.

I sigh before turning to face him. "Hi."

"You'll be working here?" He asks.

"Probably not now," I reply bitterly.

Violetta runs off to gather her bags and I quickly look around for Dawn but she's in deep conversation with a parent.

"Don't let me stop you. I can take Violetta somewhere else."

"Why?" I snap. "So you can make one more girl upset today? Do you like making girls cry Christian? Is that one of your hobbies?"

"What are you on about?" He rolls his eyes.

"I saw Meghan today. You got rid of her for no reason. You're such an ass."

He shrugs. "I am what I am."

I glare at him.

"Will you come over to my house?" He then asks casually.

I stare at him incredulously. Is he actually serious right now?

"Come on," he insists. "We'll have dinner, I have wine and everything."

"You're crazy," I finally say, laughing humourlessly. "I told you I never wanted to see you again."

He steps closer to me, so close. "I don't think that's true though," he murmurs, tucking my hair behind my ear without permission.

I glare at him.

"You're the only woman I've ever cared about Ana," he says quietly. "And so I'm not going to fight it anymore. I don't care how much you hate me, hopefully I'll earn your forgiveness back but please, I want you back. There's so many places I want to take you, so many things I want to buy you."

His hands touch my hip softly.

"I want to make you breakfast in bed even though I can't cook, I want to touch you again, make you feel good."

I'm getting all worked up and so I push him away so I can think clearly.

"We're in a ballet studio full of children," I reprimand him.

He just smirks but I look away from him. I can't stop thinking about Meghan and how he had his hands all over her. Those hands that had touched me. He fucked her like he fucked me, _she_ was the one screaming out his name.

"Why did you do it?" I breathe quietly, spinning around to face him. "Why would you sleep with her Christian?"

"To try and move on," he sighs, finally dropping his cocky act.

"So quickly? Didn't you even think about speaking to me? You hired her within a day."

"I can't read your mind Ana," he says angrily. "You left me when I let you into my home and into my life. Told you things nobody knows about me. I shared myself with you and you left me a note, like I was some common one night stand."

"But you slept with her," I cry. I know how childish I probably sound but it's true. It hurts much more than I thought it would, especially when he's standing next to me face to face.

I've never been the jealous type. Even in high school, when Brett would hang around with other girls I never cared. I'd always been independent and secure that way but with Christian, it kills me knowing that he was with Meghan. It makes me feel cheap, as though he does this with all his staff.

"I know, and it was the biggest mistake of my life, because it's cost me you," he says sincerely. "I'll do whatever I can to make it up to you. I will literally do anything." He holds my hand and presses a soft kiss there.

"Think about it," he says, heading over to Violetta and leaving me standing there. "I want you to come over. You know where to find me."

With that, he walks away, hand in hand with his little cherub.

* * *

 **Thank you for all your comments! DW, i'm not a fan of CG right now either :p Please review and let me know your thoughts, What would you do if you were Ana? xxxx**


	20. Chapter 20

"I told you he cares about you," Kate says as soon as I tell her after getting home. It's the only thing on my mind and I need to divulge.

"Maybe he just wants sex," I counter.

I'm eating a huge fruit salad leaning over the kitchen counter, still reeling from Christian's conversation earlier.

She shakes her head. "Let's be honest, he could get sex from anyone. It's easy for him."

I don't really have a reply to that because she's right.

"You could just see what he wants," she suggests casually.

"If I go to his house, I know I'll end up in his bed again," I confess.

I know deep down that no matter how strong willed I think I am, I'm not that strong willed. Christian Grey is the sexiest man I have ever seen in my life and just thinking about him in that way gets me all flustered. After all, I'm only human and the desire I have for him is undeniable.

"I thought you were over him," she smirks slightly.

I scowl at her.

She hops off the counter and places her hand on my shoulder.

"It's your decision Ana, but don't let pride get in the way of something you want. The least you could do is talk about it, you know I just want you to be happy."

With that, she leaves me standing there, alone with my own thoughts.

* * *

It's eight pm now and after debating with myself for hours, I'm standing outside Christian's door. I take a deep breath and knock slowly. Before I can change my mind, he answers. Dressed casually in joggers and a fitted t-shirt, he beckons me inside grinning.

"I'm glad you came," he says.

"You said you wanted to talk," I reply.

"Come over to the lounge, let me get you a drink."

I haven't been here in so long, it feels strange. Everything is exactly how I remembered however and despite everything, I don't feel uncomfortable. Quite the opposite. I'm unaware when Christian comes up behind me, holding onto my shoulders gently.

"It's hot in here," he says quietly.

I let him take my coat and he passes me a glass of white wine as he instructs me to sit down. I notice some of Violetta's toys strewn over the floor and smile.

"She's asleep," he says, noticing me looking. "She was so excited to see you today."

I take a sip of my drink and it's good. He's not going to guilt me by talking about his precious little girl; I want to get to the point.

"What do you want Christian?" I eventually ask, placing my wine down on the coffee table.

I'm approaching this meeting like one of his business deals.

"I want you," he says.

"I'm serious."

"Me too," he moves a little closer to me and places his own drink down.

He waits for me to speak and eventually, I do.

"Christian I... these past few months have been a whirlwind. It's been so hard recovering and you didn't ask me if I was okay."

"I know," he says. "And I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry, I was a dick but that note...that note tore me in two," he admits.

I look up at him in surprise.

"I had breakfast planned for you and a date later after work. I wanted you to be mine and you just left. You walked out and left me with a goodbye note. I've been _so_ used to women treating me like trash, using me for either sex or money. All my life, I felt like that was the only thing I was good for. So, I resigned myself to that life. I never pursued a real relationship because I knew women didn't really want _me,_ but I felt a connection with you. I thought you were different."

I look away. I had no idea he felt that way. I had no idea he cared that much.

"I'm sorry Christian," I say looking back at him. "I never meant to hurt you that way. I know I'm partly to blame, I realize now it was a really shitty thing to do. I felt a connection with you too, and I would _never_ ever use you."

"Then why did you do it?" He asks carefully. "What did I do wrong?"

I fidget and look down at my nails. "You didn't do anything wrong. It was all perfect really. I... I felt myself falling for you and I knew I wasn't strong enough. I was afraid you'd leave me."

He's silent. I'm too scared to look up at him but he does it for me.

"Why didn't you talk to me?" He asks, tilting my chin up.

I shrug. Truth be told, talking it out to him didn't even cross my mind. I'd guessed what he'd say and I'd already made my mind up for the both of us.

"I wouldn't leave you," he finally says, pulling away. "You should have trusted me. I brought you to my home, introduced you to my daughter."

"Well, I wasn't thinking very clearly," I remind him. "I guess there was miscommunication on both parts."

"I'm not blaming you," he says quietly. "Come here."

He tugs me forward gently, until I'm straddling his lap. I'm in a skirt, so it rides up profusely. One of his hands rest on my thigh and the contact makes me shudder a little.

"You were the perfect woman for me. I'd never felt anything like that with someone. The things I felt with you," he says. The aromanticness of his words is making me a little heady and I just want to kiss him.

 _Slow down Ana_ I tell myself but I'm not listening. Being around him makes me feel intoxicated and I want him so badly.

"You look so good," he says, running his hands through my hair. "I can't get over how good you look Ana."

I smile.

"Can I see more?" He asks.

 _God yes._

I nod and his fingers come down to unbutton my silky shirt. He pushes it off slowly and my breasts are straining against the now too small bra I have on. I need to go shopping.

"Fuck," he whispers to himself.

I feel him grow hard beneath me and love every moment of it. Before I can blink, the bra is gone and my nipple is lost between his lips. I close my eyes in pleasure; I haven't been touched by him in so long. His left hand kneads my other and he alternates between the two, working me into a hot little state. I feel myself growing wetter and wetter, wondering if it's possible to come just from breast stimulation.

He looks up at me as he sucks harder and the sight of him makes me shudder violently. He doesn't stop, he just increases the intensity and I instinctively find myself rubbing against his hardness as he keeps up his administrations. I feel myself orgasm swiftly after that and he eases up, smirking up at me with one last lick to my aching breasts.

I flush as I feel my wetness on his clothes but his eyes smolder further with lust. His fingers glide underneath my skirt, pushing my panties to the side as he fingers me deeply with no warning. I lean forward with a cry, capturing his lips in mine. I kiss him with everything I have, hands tangling in his hair, tongue gliding across his own. He adds another finger, stretching me to my limit and I'm done for. I whimper over and over again as he rides me through my second orgasm. It feels _so_ good.

"That's it baby," he whispers against my lips.

My teeth graze his bottom lip as I capture it in my mouth, making little moans. Our eyes are wide open, staring into each other's. It makes everything more intense; he's watching every single expression of pleasure that flitters across my face and it's so erotic.

"You are a goddess," he says, when we eventually slow down and stop.

He runs his fingers across my cheeks, my jaw, my lips.

"I don't want to lose you again," he says to me after. His voice is strong but there's an underlying sense of vulnerability there, one I do not usually associate with Christian Grey.

"All I want is you," he continues. "You're everything I need."

I need to breathe. All these emotions are coursing through me at once and I need to think.

"Christian," I finally say. "You know I want you too, you know that. But…we can't just jump back into this so quickly."

"I know," he replies quietly.

I quickly remove myself from him and redress. Being intimate like this with him so soon was a mistake. We need to talk, not touch.

"You're not going to run away from me again are you?" He asks as he watches me do up my shirt.

I shake my head no.

"I just think we should start again," I say. "I wanted to discuss that but…you distract me so much."

Looking at him through my eyelashes, I see he's wearing a slight smirk.

"I didn't hear you complaining. _Yes, Christian, right there_ ," he mocks my voice and I shove him in response.

He chuckles and kisses my hand.

"How about, you go home and I'll call you tomorrow. We'll arrange a date."

"I think that's best," I agree.

"I don't want to take advantage of you Ana," he then says getting to his feet. "I want you, but I want to be deserving of you. I want to do this right and not screw up."

His eyes are sincere and I want to believe his words so badly. However, after what he did, I know that I mustn't rush straight back into things with him straight away. I need to know where we stand and we need to learn to trust each other.

"So tomorrow? You'll answer my call?" He asks, helping me back into my coat.

"Maybe."

He laughs. "I think you will," he spins me around and presses his lips to mine once again. "It was good seeing you Ana."

"You too," I admit.

"Text me when you're home?"

I nod.

That I can do.

* * *

 **Please review! Also, I want to know if anyone is interested in a CPOV of the morning he woke up and received Ana's letter and how he reacted/coped with that. I think that would be fun to write so let me know if you'd like to see that. It will be posted over on the blog (the link is in my profile!) The next update will be after the weekend is over now, so at some point next week. I enjoyed doing the daily updates this week so I hope you enjoyed. Also, i'll be doing the same with colours next week so stay tuned if you read that :p xxx**


	21. Chapter 21

January 9th 2017

Today is a very busy day which goes by in a whirlwind. I wake up at 7:30, ready for my 9am class. After a breakfast of oats and coffee, I head to classes until two, and have lunch with John before heading to the gym for a quick workout. After that, I head home to shower quickly before my check-up appointment with Rebekah. It's a long one today and I don't finish until four and by that time, I'm tired. However I now have to head down to the ballet studio where I find out that I landed the internship. Dawn tells me that I'll be working twice a week for eight hours each which really isn't so bad. I'm looking forward to it actually, it will be a relief for me to finally get on my shoes and begin to start dancing again. Teaching Violetta is just a bonus.

By the time I arrive home, I'm shattered. It's past six and I help myself to the pasta Kate just dished up.

"Hungry?" She grins as I take my seat and a mouthful at the same time. Like my parents, Kate loves whenever she sees me putting food in my mouth.

I nod through my chewing.

After dinner, she quizzes me about last night which I knew she would. We hadn't had a chance to talk last night; when I came in I went straight to bed.

"He said he'd call me tonight and arrange a date," I shrug, pretending it's no big deal.

"So you've forgiven him?" She asks.

"Not fully," I shake my head. "I think that it's going to take a while to get over the fact he slept with somebody else. I'm not sure I know how to trust him again."

"I understand," she says sympathetically. "If he really wants you though, he'll make sure he earns it."

I can't help but agree with her.

* * *

Later tonight, I'm in bed watching pretty little liars when Christian calls. Not wanting to be overly eager, I answer on the third ring.

"Hi," he greets me. "How was your day?"

"Busy," I confess, getting comfortable. I'm lying on my front, legs crossed in the air behind me. "Yours?"

"Busy," he echoes.

I wait for him to continue. I'm not going to put in all the effort.

"So I was thinking we could get dinner or something tomorrow night?" He suggests gently. "That's if you don't have plans."

"I don't have any plans," I confess. Although Saturday may be a different matter. John desperately wants me to hang out with him and his brother and after all he's done for me, I can hardly refuse.

"Great," he says enthusiastically. "Can I pick you up around seven?"

"Yes."

Dinner is a nice sensible idea. No couches or beds where we can get all lusty and avoid talking.

"I look forward to seeing you again Ana."

"You too Christian."

I hate how true those words are.

* * *

Today is Friday and I have another busy day ahead of me. On top of all that, tonight I have dinner with Christian which though excited for, I'm also a little apprehensive about. When I'm with him, I don't really feel like myself - in a good way. It's as though nothing else exists and there is just us. He's got this way of just getting me to let go and be present in the moment. And when his lips are on mine; nothing else matters.

Shaking my head, I take a quick shower before downing a quick breakfast and starting my day. I have two lectures on a Friday this semester, with an hour in between for lunch. Luckily, I have John all day.

When it comes to lunch, we head to our usual cafe and as predicted, he starts to talk about the weekend.

"My brothers coming up today," he says, taking a bite of his sandwich.

"Yeah? Are you excited?" I ask.

He shrugs. "I guess. He always asks questions about if I'm dating though. We're the typical cliché hot older brother who gets all the girls and the small nerdy one that doesn't."

"There's more important things than looks all the time," I say sympathetically. I feel for him, I really do.

I can't imagine living in the shadow of somebody else and constantly being compared. It must be awful. We're quiet for a few moments while we eat and I take the opportunity to ask something I've been wondering.

"So, um, _have_ you thought about dating?" I ask.

He goes red and shakes his head no.

"Why not?" I ask curiously.

He shrugs. "Look at me Ana," he says a little disheartened. He gestures to himself awkwardly. "I can't see anyone that would want me. I have a hard time still believing that _you're_ my friend."

I frown as I finish my food. I reach a hand across to him reassuringly.

"I know how hard self-confidence can be but with the right person, it will feel so easy John. They'll make you feel like the most beautiful person in the world, I promise you."

Instantly, Christian flitters through my mind. The way he makes me feel beautiful gives me a confidence I never even knew I could possess. When I'm with him, he makes me feel appreciated and desirable.

John shrugs in response. "I'd like somebody...it would be nice not to be lonely."

"My friend Kate is the best matchmaker ever," I smirk, pulling back.

"Oh god no," he flushes. "I'd be so awkward."

"You'll be fine, I'll come with you. I wouldn't set you up with somebody I didn't think was compatible."

"I haven't even kissed anyone Ana," he grimaces.

I make sure the shock I have at this confession does not convey to my face. However, I am a little surprised. I had my first kiss at thirteen with Brett, but I suppose that's a different story.

"Anyone?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "I've never been approached and I don't have the confidence to go up to a guy."

I assure him that it will happen soon before we head to class. After the lecture has finished, I tell John to wait behind until everyone has left. He looks at me in confusion as our peers leave. Once we're alone, he turns to face me and I quickly close the gap between us by pressing my lips against his. His shock is evident as I kiss him softly. It's brief, and when I pull back, his eyes are wide open; his expression disbelieving.

"I know I'm a girl," I say as I stand, hitching my bag over my shoulder. "But at least you can now say you've kissed somebody before."

He just stares after me and I giggle.

* * *

"I'll talk to you later." Leaving him with his first kiss now bagged, I head home to change.

As soon as I get in, I take another quick shower before getting ready for dinner. I settle on a classic black midi dress, keeping my makeup minimal and wearing a beautiful pair of high satin black heels. When I emerge from my bedroom, Kate does a double take.

"Isn't that a little booby?" She asks.

I frown as I peer down at my cleavage.

"It didn't used to be so showy," I say. "It must be the weight gain."

"I'm not saying it looks bad," she smiles. "You look amazing. Christian's going to be drooling into his pasta all night."

I smirk. _I know_.

"Will you be coming home tonight?" She asks.

Now I flush and Kate notices with a chuckle.

"I have no plans to stay out," I tell her.

"Yes, well," she smirks. "Things happen."

I roll my eyes as I fix my dress. "I'll be home," I say pointedly.

Her response is another chuckle.

Christian picks me up at seven on the dot. He's gone all out, dressed in a gorgeous black suit and holding pink roses for me.

"How did you know these were my favorite," I smile, lifting them to my nose to inhale.

"Just a hunch," he grins.

After I put them in a vase, Taylor drives us to a luxury Italian restaurant that I've never been to. It's so fancy and I'm glad I dressed up. It's full of flashy couples in jimmy choos sipping wine. Christian orders us a bottle of wine while we wait for our food and as predicted, he can't take his eyes off my cleavage.

Taking a sip of wine, I raise my eyebrow at him. He shrugs, evidently unabashed.

"You look... _fuck_. I think you're trying to kill me."

I laugh and shake my head. "You're so dramatic."

"I want to ravish every last inch of you."

His words make me hot and I take another sip. Suddenly, he leans forward, clasping both of my hands in his.

"Tell me about your day," he says.

"It was the usual," I reply. "Lectures, lunch, workout... pretty boring really."

"Nothing you do is boring," he disagrees, leaning back and sipping his own drink. "Tell me, what text are you studying at the moment?"

"I'm doing a fantastic Shakespeare module," I reply, perhaps a little too enthusiastically. I love any chance I get to talk about literature or dance. "We're studying his comedies and my favourite is Midsummer Nights Dream."

"Yeah?" He asks. "How about your favourite tragedy?"

"Hamlet," I reply instantly.

He looks surprised. "No Romeo and Juliet?"

I roll my eyes. "I'm not that much of a cliche. Although Romeo and Juliet is undeniably beautiful, I've always just resonated with Hamlet. The haunting sadness of it all has always captured me. The soliloquies and the characterisation; the language is so beautiful."

He looks at me softly then. If I could describe his expression, it would perhaps be of endearment.

"I agree," he states. "I always had a thing for Hamlet myself."

As our dinner arrives, Christian spends the duration of it asking me all sorts of questions from my favourite colour to favourite band. Food to movies. Once we're finished, we drive out to a vast area full of open landscape and wild winter flowers. The stars are shining and we find a bench on the wall where Christian lifts me upon.

"I should have bought a coat," I say but the words are barely out of my mouth when he shrugs out of his suit jacket and huddles me in it. It smells so so good and I instantly feel warmer.

"Where is this place?" I ask. "It's so pretty."

"Sometimes in summer I come here with Violetta for a picnic. She likes picking the flowers."

"That's adorable," I smile. "Where is she tonight?"

"Getting spoiled rotten with her grandparents."

I pull him closer to me so I can feel his heat against my body. He strokes my hair softly in response.

"I bought you here because the clearing is enormous and you can see the stars perfectly," he says.

I look up and he's right. A million twinkling stars glitter down on us and it's beautiful.

"It's crazy to think how small we really are in this universe," I whisper into the night.

He kisses my forehead. "I know. It's even crazier how much of an impact one person can I have."

I look into his eyes then and instantly know he's speaking about me. My eyes soften in response.

"I want to name a star after you," he states. "Star Anastasia Rose."

"That sounds really pretty," I giggle.

"Just like you."

We stay here for what seems like forever, just _being_. The sound of his heart against my chest and the rustle of the flowers is all I need in this moment. As he looks into my eyes, I bring him forward for a kiss and he responds eagerly, brushing his lips across mine a few times before diving in. Both of his hands grasp my face and I deepen the kiss, letting our tongues run over each other until I'm gasping for more.

"Will you come back to mine?" He whispers, breaking away to lean his forehead against mine.

I nod. "Of course."

As soon as we're through Christian's front door, he pins me against there as it shuts and kisses me hungrily. I'm just as enthusiastic, my fingernails scrape his clothed chest and he tosses the jacket off me immediately. His kisses move to my earlobe, where he takes it between his teeth, sucking and biting gently. I squirm, desperate for his touch. He licks along my neck now, slow and deliberate until he reaches my cleavage now straining against the dress.

His hands mold to my waist perfectly; I can feel the heat through the fabric. The combination of him touching me and kissing behind my ear is sending me into a frenzy.

"Take it off," I whisper, craning my neck up to kiss him. _God he's so tall._

"Patience," he smirks against my lips.

His hands continue to roam the contours of my body, pressing harder, digging into my hips with a pressure I have not felt before. I'm hot, so hot and he continues his torturous onslaught of kisses that rain down my neck and chest. My own hands now find refuge against his back, pulling him as close to me as humanly possible. It's not enough, I desperately need him inside me.

Soon, his hand trails further down my body, brushing against my thigh heatedly. His fingers dance across it, edging so close to where I need him to be. And then he squeezes, making me moan. He continues his trail, up and down the top of my thigh – edging closer yet never reaching. Just when I think I'm about to combust, he brushes across my very damp underwear.

"So wet," he murmurs against my neck, which he is now softly sucking.

He trails his fingers to the centre, dancing them across my folds. I shudder, feeling my knees give way but his other hand supports my back, preventing me from falling down.

And then he's gone; on his knees he kneels before me as he pulls down my underwear and discards it across the room. I look down at him, my chest rising heavily. My fingers run through his hair and my head hits the back of the door as he slides my dress up to my waist and devours me.

Starting with little kisses, his tongue transforms into a personal heaven that laps at me heavily. He sucks my clit between his lips before plunging inside with his tongue. I feel my orgasm ripple through me strong and hard as I call out his name. Kissing his way up my body, he quickly makes work of my dress. At the same time, I unbutton his shirt one by one, desperate to feel his skin against mine. I graze my fingers down his chest and he hisses in pleasure before I lean down to capture his nipple between my teeth. This sends him into a frenzy and my feet are suddenly not on the ground anymore. Christian presses me hard against the door, trapping me between his body. He unbuckles his belt in a millisecond before dropping his pants to the floor. Within seconds, he's inside me, pumping at a pace that has me gasping and screaming his name.

I wrap my arms around his neck, scratching my fingernails there as I pull him in closer and attack his lips. Our tongues find a perfect synchronization with our bodies and it's beautiful.

"Harder," I murmur into his mouth.

He instantly obliges and slams into me with a force that makes me wild.

"Fuck, yes. Again," I moan.

My hands are tugging his hair, my heels that are still on dig into his back. He does not ease up his administrations, over and over again he drives into me. I'm entirely consumed in his heat; the sweat of our overheated bodies entwined. I push him further into me, breaking away to trail my own kisses down his neck. I bite there and he grunts in response. There is nothing in this world that turns me on more than Christian Grey's grunting and moaning. So, I do it over and over again until he combusts. As he reaches his peak, spilling his warmth into me, I bring my lips back to his where he moans into my mouth. His hand finds my clit, determined to bring me to the brink again and he rubs furiously as I cry. After a few more moments, I feel myself rising higher and higher. Everything is hazy, my eyes are half closed and I pull away from his mouth, biting his lip as I reach my own blissful orgasm.

Eventually, when he lowers me down to the ground, I almost stumble in my heels.

"Steady," he chuckles, holding onto my waist.

I breathe in and out deeply, just staring up at him.

"Wow," I finally manage to say.

He laughs again and pulls me against him once more. I relish the contact, wrapping my arms up around his neck. I never want to let go.

"Are you going to carry me upstairs like we're in a movie?" I ask coyly.

He lifts me once more and I kiss him. It's gentle this time; slow languid caresses of tenderness. He does indeed carry me upstairs and does not put me down until I'm lying on his silky soft sheets that I've missed greatly. Our lips do not break contact once but I take initiative as I roll us over so that I'm now on top. We take our time now, enjoying the feeling of each other's bodies. Masculine and feminine fusing together in perfect harmony, as if we were made for one another entirely. I kiss down his body slowly, earning glorious gasps of pleasure from him. My lips continue their trail, slow and languid, earning frustrated and yearning grunts from Christian. I take him between my lips now, swirling my tongue around from base to tip as I use my hands to fondle other parts I know he enjoys. I work him over and over until he calls my name.

"Come here," he insists, pulling me back up.

His lips capture mine in a battle and my wetness easily finds him as I sink down, letting out a cry. I ride him slowly, mouths still locked, conveying all the feelings I have for him into the kiss. I pull him deeper and deeper into my body as we sink into forever. It's beautiful and he is beautiful.

And as I look into his eyes as he shatters beneath me, I know that I've fallen in love with him.

* * *

 **Such a busy week super sorry but I promise that CPOV will be on the site this week and colours will also be updated 3 Please review! xxxx**


	22. Chapter 22

Saturday morning daylight shines prettily over Christian's face where I trace the outline with my fingertip. It is _the_ morning after and this time I'm not going anyway. In fact, just to prove to him how much I'm not going to run, I leave a little trail of kisses down his body before finding his sweet spot. He's happy to see me and I play with him slowly, looking up to watch his reactions. He moves slightly as I lick slowly; when I take him deeper I hear a groan and I smile to myself as I work him over. When he comes, I kiss right back up his body and his eyes are wide open, messy hair and naked. He's so gorgeous I have a hard time thinking about anything else. The house could be burning and I'd still be staring.

"What a wake up," he comments, slightly dazed with a hoarse voice.

I respond by kissing him enthusiastically, grabbing his face between the palms of my hands. He wraps his own around my waist and flips us over immediately, crushing me with his delicious warm weight. He slips inside my wetness before I can even say his name and I arch my back with a groan. His lips bite my neck as he moves faster, fucking me until I'm an incoherent mess.

When we're finished, I lay on his chest and trace patterns over his nipple with my fingers.

"You didn't leave," he finally says.

I look up into his eyes. "Never again," I promise.

He stares at me intensely and I long to know what is going on through his head. Instead, I kiss him again, slowly this time. His fingers rake through my hair pulling me closer.

"I've never felt like this," I whisper into his mouth.

"Neither have I," he says back quietly, brushing my hair from my face and cupping my chin in his hand while kissing me deeply. "Neither have I."

Christian and I pretty much have sex all morning until Violetta comes in unannounced at about nine am. Startled, I quickly cover myself with the sheets and Christian puts back on his boxers with lightning speed. I can't help but chuckle a little inside, it's very much a Hollywood movie scene.

"Daddy can I have toast?" She asks sweetly. It takes her just a moment to spot me. "Hi Ana," she waves.

"Hi sweetheart," I say, adjusting my position carefully.

"Did you and daddy have a sleepover?" She asks innocently.

"We did," Christian says, standing up and taking her by the hand. "Come on let's get you some toast. Ana, join us when you're ready."

As soon as he leaves, I flop back down onto the pillows, unable to wipe the smile off my face.

Twenty minutes later, I am freshly showered, my teeth are brushed and I'm wrapped in Christian's fluffy white robe as I pad downstairs to the mouth-watering aroma of freshly made waffles. Christian has set a plate for me opposite him and I smile gratefully as he pulls out my chair and I sit down.

"Ana," Violetta says through a mouthful of blueberries. "Do you live here?"

"No honey," I say as I sip the glass of orange juice in front of me. I've never tasted orange juice so delicious, it is as if it was just freshly squeezed this morning.

She looks confused and Christian flops back down next to her. "Ana was here for a sleepover honey," he explains. "She's daddy's friend."

"Okay," she shrugs, digging back into her waffles.

Christian and I both laugh together.

* * *

For the rest of the morning, we all just lounge around. Violetta plays while Christian and I talk and drink coffee on the couch. He runs his fingers through my hair and we relax, just enjoying the blissful serene moment together. For the first time in a long time, I allow myself to look forward into the future. Into a world where I could be happy and content, with him by my side. Where memories can be just that; memories. Not stabbing pains of ice that pierce my heart, or snippets of a love lost. White hot anger and never knowing why. A future where all of that can disappear, and I can look back in fondness.

By afternoon, Violetta's hungry again and so Christian takes us out to the pizzeria for lunch. I don't manage to finish it all but I eat a significant amount and Christian smiles over at me, squeezing my hand affectionately. It warms my insides to know that he cares and that he is indeed by my side and supporting me in my progress to healthiness. When we return home, I give Violetta a ballet lesson and she gets a little upset that she cannot immediately achieve her splits.

"It's okay sweetheart," I say to her as she wipes a frustrated tear from her eye. I sit down on the floor with her and pull her toward me. I wipe her tears away gently.

"You know, it took me _ageeeeees_ to get mine when I was little," I tell her.

"Really?" She asks quietly.

"Of course! It doesn't happen in a day honey, but you'll be able to do it soon. You're almost there."

She smiles sadly at me and I pull her in for a hug. Her soft strawberry scented hair brushes against my face and a fierce feeling of love and protection washes over me. I want to hold her close to me and keep her safe forever.

"Will you stay again Ana?" she mumbles into my neck.

I stroke through her curls and kiss the top of her head. "Course baby."

The rest of the day is lovely. We play outside in Violetta's 'castle,' and then come in for hot chocolate. We have dinner, watch a movie, and she falls asleep between Christian and I on the couch. Sometime during all of this, I message Kate and my parents to let them know I'm okay and with Christian. Kate's standard reply comes through moments later; _get that D girl ;) xx_

I shake my head and place my cell back down. Christian looks over at me with a smile and raises his eyebrows. I know he can see my blush but it's no secret how much I want him. He makes me hot all over and I just want to drown in him repeatedly.

"I'll take her up to bed," he announces, standing. He lifts her into his arms effortlessly and I place a kiss on her warm cheek before he takes her up.

Now that I'm alone, I start to think clearly a little more. Just from how wonderful today has been, I know that it would take no time at all to get used to this. Going to lectures and ballet, coming home to Christian and his precious daughter. Making love with him each night, spending the weekends together. However, I also know that I need to reign it in significantly. What Christian did with Meghan still hurts me, and I still have those trust issues I need to work on. I can't fall into him completely; I must learn to stand on my own two feet. My own heart needs to be protected first and then I can work on embracing his fully.

Christian comes down the stairs a few seconds later and I jump up from the couch.

"Is there anything else you'd like to do this evening?" He asks, wiping his hair from his eyes. It does need a trim but my god, he looks so sexy with messy hair.

"I want to do you," I confess, walking over to him slowly.

When I reach him, he looks down into my eyes playfully and I walk my fingers slowly up and down his chest.

"Repeatedly," I whisper.

His hand cups my ass and squeezes hard, instantly making me a little wet. Before I know it, I'm over his shoulder and heading toward his room where he rocks my world all the way into the starry night.

* * *

Early Sunday afternoon, I head home. I've had the best unexpected weekend but now it's time to return to the real world. The real world of lectures, endless amounts of work and my new ballet internship which starts later this week. As soon as I'm through the door to my apartment, Kate bombards me with endless questions about my time with Christian.

"What happened to I'm not staying the night?" She grins.

I flop down on the couch and throw her a look. She laughs in response.

"How was the makeup sex?" She asks, flopping down right next to me.

"Amazing," I confess.

"Two days' worth of amazing?"

I nod.

"Are you spending next weekend with him?"

"Not sure," I shrug. "We'll see how things go this week. How's things with Elliot?"

"They're okay. I got this feeling though that I might like him a bit more than he likes me," she confesses somewhat hesitantly.

This vulnerable side of Kate is something I rarely see and so I want to reassure her.

"I'm sure that's not the case," I dismiss. "He'd be nuts not to like you. He's probably just trying to play it cool."

"Maybe," she considers. "How weird is it that we're both dating brothers though? What are the odds on that?"

"It's crazy," I agree with a laugh.

"Maybe one day we'll be actual sisters," she winks.

I roll my eyes. "I won't hold my breath."

I spend the rest of my day catching up on homework and hanging out with Kate. In the evening, while having a bubble bath, Christian rings. I can't help the smile that spreads across my face as I answer with a casual hello.

"How are you?" He asks

"I'm good, I'm in the bath."

"Can I join you?"

"No," I laugh.

"Worth a try," he chuckles.

We chat casually for a while before he's quiet for a few seconds.

"I wanted to ask you something," he says, somewhat hesitantly.

The water splashes around me as I sit up a little higher in the water.

"What is it?" I ask a little worried now.

"I have plans to go to Miami this weekend with Violetta," he says. "It is on business but I only have two short meetings in the same morning so I'm going to take her with me and make a few days out of it."

"That's sweet," I say, gauging the direction this conversation is heading.

"Do you want to come?" He asks.

I shift a little uneasily. "If it's on business, does that mean your staff will be there?"

"Yes," he answers with a sigh.

"What will I be going as Christian? I don't work for you anymore."

"I don't know, we don't have to explain ourselves to anyone. I want you to come with me Ana."

"I don't know if I can," I say, stepping out of the tub. The water is a little cold now.

"Why not?" I can hear the accusation in his voice.

I fumble with my towel while holding my phone awkwardly with one hand.

"Christian, what will everyone think? They'll think that you're fucking your ex-employee," I say annoyed.

"Well I am."

"Christian," I groan.

"Why do you care what everybody thinks Ana? It's _your_ life. Nobody else has a say in it except you. I'm asking you to come because I want you with me. I want to spend time with you, I want you to be my girlfriend."

Everything's going at one hundred miles per hour and I don't know if I can keep up with the rollercoaster. Christian is an all or nothing guy, but is this too fast? Are we rushing things? I bite my lip. I don't know what to say.

"Think about it," he says quietly. "Sweet dreams Ana."

"You too," I mumble.

I sit down on the edge of the tub, phone between my fingers as a thousand thoughts scatter across my mind.

* * *

 **Sorry for such a late update, my mental health really has not been in the best place lately and the words just came out fuzzy and didn't flow the way I wanted them too. I will try to update sooner, thank you for all your support and please review letting me know what you thought of the chapter and what you think Ana should do xxx**


	23. Chapter 23

Friday 17th January

Tomorrow, I am going to Miami with Christian and Violetta Grey. It's evening now and I'm last minute stress packing my hand luggage while Kate eats chips noisily.

"I knew you'd end up going," she smirks knowingly from the couch.

I roll my eyes and throw a towel at her. "Help me!"

The truth is, I hadn't planned on going, even though I said I'd think about it to Christian. Turns out, he's much pushier than I thought. After a long week, I'm completely exhausted and Christian used that to his advantage today. After my last class, he picked me up from college and took me out for dinner before going back to his where he persuaded me _very_ hard to go with him. By the time he'd finished with me, I could hardly refuse and was surrendering to his whims in every way possible.

"What's time the flight?" Kate asks, finally standing up to join me.

"He's picking me up at 9. It's at 11 I think."

"Why such a late time?" She asks, folding the towel I threw at her.

"He has a meeting early in the morning," I explain. "We were all too busy to go today."

"So, you'll be joining your former co-workers, right?" She asks carefully. "How are you feeling about that?"

I sigh. "Obviously, it's not going to be a thrilling experience but I've decided to try and do as Christian says."

"And what is it Christian says?" She probes.

"To not care."

She laughs and pats my shoulder. "He's right. What the fuck does it have to do with them? You don't work there anymore and haven't for a while. Go with your man and show off about it."

I smile. "You think I should?"

"Yes," she says certainly. "Hold his hand, kiss him, let them _know_."

"I wish I could be that obvious."

"You can Ana," she assures me. "He's yours and he wants you. Embrace that."

"I'll try," I promise. "Now, please pass me my eyeshadow palette you stole."

* * *

Christian is prompt in his timings and he arrives at my door dressed in a heavy sweater, coat and scarf with a smile.

"Ready?" He asks.

I nod and glance at my small suitcase and hand luggage.

"I'll get those," he insists, picking them both up effortlessly.

At the door, I hug Kate goodbye.

"Have fun, make sure you kiss him when everyone's watching," she whispers.

I pull back and roll my eyes. "Don't get too bored without me."

She blows me a kiss and shuts the door before I follow Christian out. I'm in my big coat and god I'm glad. The coldness of the night air sends chills down my spine and I rush to the car. With Taylor driving, Christian is in the front and I'm in the back with a very wide-awake Violetta.

"Hi Ana," she says excitedly.

"Hi gorgeous," I grin. "Are you excited?"

She nods. "We're going to the beach."

"We are," I confirm.

Taylor starts driving then and she reaches inside her bag to show me all the things she's bought.

"Don't empty everything Vi," Christian warns, eyeing us in the mirror. "It took us long enough to pack it all."

Dismissing him, she secretly shows me her my little pony, her activity book and several other interesting little gadgets. She's the most darling little girl ever.

Once we arrive at the airport, I help Violetta out and can't help but gush over how cute she looks all bundled up in mismatched purple and yellow clothing.

"She wanted to pick her own clothes," Christian explains, taking hold of my hand.

This intimate little gesture makes me feel so warm inside despite the bitterness and I look up at him with what I'm sure is a silly love struck gaze.

It feels strange as we walk inside. The last time I was at the airport _I_ was part of the business trip and my relationship with Mr Grey was very different. I spot Andrea and the others far before we reach them drinking coffee. She's wearing jeans and a messy bun and looks very different to whenever I've seen her before. Ros is also there, along with a young brunette girl I've never seen before and two men I vaguely remember. To say Andrea's face is an expression of shock would be the understatement of the century as she spots us.

"Good morning everyone," Christian greets. "I believe you all know Ana, except Jessa of course. Jessa, this is my girlfriend Ana. Ana, this is Andrea's new assistant Jessa."

"Hi," she says politely, holding out her hand. "It's lovely to meet you."

I shake it with a smile.

"And this is my little angel," he picks up Violetta then who's suddenly gone all shy. "Who you won't have seen in quite some time."

"She's getting so big," Ros says with a grin.

Andrea is still staring at me in obvious disbelief.

"Are you okay?" I ask her pointedly.

She has the decency to flush and avert her gaze to Violetta.

"Do you want anything before we leave?" Christian asks me softly. "Coffee? Tea?"

"Tea would be nice."

"I want tea too," Violetta mumbles.

Christian chuckles and asks Taylor to fetch a tea and hot chocolate.

The seating arrangements on the plane are comfortable, if not for the fact Ros, Andrea and Jessa are in the booth next to us.

I sit next to Christian and Violetta is opposite us in her own little seat/bed. First class is the most luxury and unnecessary thing I could imagine and it still blows my mind although I've already experienced Christian's lavish life a few times. Violetta looks the picture of cuteness and she sits surrounded by pink blankets as she sips her hot chocolate and watches Barbie films on her iPad.

"You okay?" Christian asks as we set off.

I nod.

"You sure?" His fingers rub my knuckles softly and I stir a little.

Noticing, he can't help but laugh. "Is that how easily I can turn you on?" He whispers in my ear, brushing dangerously close to my skin with his lips.

"Stop," I reprimand him.

"We have a king-size at the suite," he tells me. "We can cover every inch of it later tonight."

I close my eyes and take a deep breath before he removes himself.

"I'll behave," he promises.

"This flight is long. You need sleep, you didn't get any today," I remind him.

"I know. I was too busy fulfilling all the dirty things you asked of me."

I slap him and we both end up laughing.

At the sound of us, I see Andrea look over immediately. The look she gives me isn't very pleasant and Kate's advice comes rushing back to mind. Without thinking, I lean up to Christian and place my lips on his. He responds willingly and we pull apart a few seconds later. His eyes are surprised but playful and he raises an eyebrow at me.

"Can't I kiss you?" I ask.

He shakes his hand and responds by tilting my chin up and showing me _exactly_ what one of his kisses is. By the time he breaks away, I'm breathing heavily.

"Of course you can," he says with smouldering eyes. "Just make sure it leaves you feeling like _that_."

* * *

By the time I wake up, we only have half an hour left and it's breaking early morning now. Looking to the side of me, I see Christian in a deep sleep huddled in his blanket and he looks so adorable I just have to take a picture. Opposite, Violetta is also in a deep slumber, her iPad having fallen to the ground and messy hair spiralling all over the place. Over to my right, Andrea is awake, tapping wildly on her laptop and sipping black coffee. On her table is three empty cups and I just know she's been awake all night. As I get up to pee, she notices me and glances over at Christian before back to me.

"Can I have a word?" She asks, much to my surprise.

I'm so shocked I'm not sure what to say for a few seconds until she closes her laptop.

"Please? It will only take a minute," she promises.

I motion to the bathroom first and hurry off. I take long in there, wondering what on earth she wants to say to me with Christian right here. Surely she wouldn't have the nerve to be horrible. Nobody could be that brave. When I get back, I take the empty seat opposite her, next to a sleeping Ros.

Andrea sighs before placing down her coffee cup.

"I just wanted to apologise," she says, looking at me now. "I realise I've never been particularly welcoming toward you and I'm sorry for that. It's extremely unprofessional of me and I'm very sorry Ana if I ever made you feel uncomfortable in any kind of way. Please don't take it personally, I'm just never very friendly around new people."

"You seem friendly toward Jessa," I note, gesturing to her. "I saw you laughing and joking around."

She just stares at me blankly.

"Are you saying this because I'm Christian's girlfriend?" I ask confidently. "Does that elevate my status now? Am I now considered worthy of being treated with respect because I'm dating your boss? Your boss who won't take very kindly to you dismissing his partner?"

"Ana-"

I cut her off and stand up. "I'd rather you say sorry when you actually mean it. Not just for appearance sake."

Heading back over to Christian, I leave her sat there feeling stupid with a triumphant smile Kate would be proud of. Five minutes later, I wake Christian up with a few kisses.

"What time is it?" He asks sleepily.

"Time for us to land," I say softly, stroking his hair. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah," he smiles, bending down to kiss my forehead. "You smell good," he murmurs, inhaling my neck.

I giggle. "I smell like tea."

"You smell like my Ana."

It's funny how those simple words have such an effect on me but they do.

* * *

As we land, Christian gathers Violetta's things and Taylor takes them before he lifts her up, still sleeping.

"She'll sleep for a few more hours," he tells me as we get into the awaiting car. "My meeting is at eight and it's now almost six so I'll drop you two back to the hotel first."

"You're going straight away?" I ask.

"After a super quick shower," he nods. "It's about a half hour drive from the hotel. I'll be stuck there until around midday so you can grab breakfast with Vi when she wakes up, walk down to the beach maybe. I got us a beach-front suite."

"I love you," I say without thinking. Just looking into his eyes, seeing them filled with care and concern and kindness…I can't help it. As soon as I say it my eyes widen as I realise I've now just laid down my armour and opened myself up for extreme vulnerability. Yes, I realise we're moving too fast but how can I control the way I feel? I can't anymore. Christian looks at me for a long moment in silence and I can't tell what he's thinking. But then he kisses me, holding my face in the palms of his hands and rubbing his fingers soothingly over my cheeks in delicate caresses.

"I love you too Ana," he whispers and my insides completely collapse.

I'm no longer vulnerable. I am completely exposed and all I want to do is tear off his clothes and show him just how much those words ring true.

Placing Violetta in bed, Christian sprints to the shower immediately and I follow him as he strips down.

"Ana, what, -"

"Shh," I silence him by pressing a finger to his lips as I shimmy out of my own clothes.

"Baby, you know how much I want to but we haven't got time."

"Then stop wasting it by talking."

I turn on the shower and water floods out immediately as I step inside, pulling him in with me. Once he sees me naked and wet, he shakes his head.

"What am I going to do with you?" He murmurs, lifting me up and pressing me against the wall.

I grab him by his hair and force my lips against his heatedly before he can say another word. One of his free hands palm my breast, flicking over my nipple which elicits a moan from my mouth. I want to give in so badly but this isn't about me. This is all about him and so I push him away before getting down on my knees. The look in his eyes is primal as he watches me, soaking wet and naked. He's rock hard and waiting as I tease him slowly with my fingers before my lips. Making sure my eyes meet with his, I gaze up at him intensely as I take him in deeper and deeper until he hits the back of my throat. With a guttural sounding groan, his own head flops back against the wall and I basque in the glory of being able to make Christian Grey moan. His fingers find my hair softly while I work him over. The heat running over our bodies adds to the feeling and I'm feeling wetter than I've ever felt before as I deep throat my sexy boyfriend on the tile floor. I fondle him as I lick, knowing that it's something he likes through my thorough exploration sessions of his body. At long last, I feel him quiver a little beneath me and I know he's close. The smell of the clean water mixed with the arousal of our bodies pushes me over the edge and everything is heightened. The weight of his hands fingering my hair, my knees pressed into the hard floor – the heavy breathing as I pleasure my lover.

And then my knees are no longer touching the ground; I am standing with his arm wrapped tightly around my waist and my body pressed against the wall. There's barely time to breathe as I feel him enter me hard and deep from behind and I gasp, my fingers digging into the glass. Christian bends me over so far in order to hit the right angles and adjust our height difference; it's a good job I'm so flexible. Wide open in a 90-degree angle, he thrusts into me repeatedly and it takes everything inside to not scream with each hit. The feeling is divine; our sex is animalistic and rough and my body is craving every piece of it. Lifting me like a rag doll, he changes positions expertly and my legs are now around his waist, my back against the wall as he holds me upright. This position allows me to kiss him and I take full advantage of that as we breathe one another in perfect synchronisation to our thrusting bodies. Fingers dance between our joined bodies and play over my clit and I break away to moan his name as he unties me. We climax at the same time, savouring every second until we both can't stand anymore.

Lowering me down a few moments later, he looks at me with wonder; a reflection that I'm sure is mirrored on my own face. There are no words exchanged, it's obvious we're both thinking the same things.

Whatever happens next, in this very moment, _right now_ , I love Christian Grey and he loves me. We both know that and in these infinite seconds of bliss, it is the only thing that matters.

* * *

 **Hi guys, it's been a while and so I thought we'd have a happy chapter that gives us all the feels. Hope you enjoyed! Please let me know your thoughts and what you think might happen next. Might this just be the calm before the storm? Hmmmm…. Until next time, love always – Elizabeth. xx**


	24. Chapter 24

After our morning shower, Christian dresses quickly for his meeting. He leaves, still flushed and flustered which I'm extremely glad about. Mission accomplished. About an hour later, after I'm dressed and ready, Violetta wakes up, disoriented. This is my first time alone with her, without Christian here and I try to ignore any nerves I have.

"Ana," she says tiredly, rubbing her eyes.

I make my way toward her. Christian warned me she's not the most excited in the mornings but neither am I so I know how she feels.

"Hi sweetheart," I say. "Want some breakfast?"

"Where's daddy?"

"He's at work, just for a little bit though. I'm looking after you until he gets back. Is that okay?"

She regards me intensely with her wild curls. I can't help but smile at how adorable she is. Finally, she nods and I hold out my hand for her. In the bathrooms, she pees and I help brush her teeth before we I breakfast. Once she's full up on orange juice and chocolate chip pancakes, she's much cheerier and is excited to go to the beach with me.

"What do you want to wear to the beach?" I ask her, rummaging through her suitcase. I find the prettiest little clothes ever, my eyes instinctively drawn to a pink beach dress.

"How about this?" I ask her.

"Yeah," she smiles, hardly looking up from her colouring book.

I find her out a swimsuit for underneath before helping her dress and doing her hair. I put it into two French plaits and the excitement on her face is heart-warming.

"You like them?" I ask.

"I never had hair like this," she says in awe, looking at herself in the mirror.

I hug her close, unable to resist. She squeals as I squeeze her.

"I can do so many more exciting things with it," I promise.

Her eyes light up and I kiss her cheeks while she giggles and squirms.

"You're so cute," I gush, jumping up and lifting her. "Let's go to the beach."

* * *

Violetta loves the beach. It's such a nice change to enjoy the warm weather on my skin as opposed to the cold. I'm dressed in a simple black two piece as I sit on a soft blanket and help Violetta build a sandcastle palace.

By noon, were eating ice creams, Violetta in my lap when something blocks my pretty view of the beach. I'm about to complain but looking up, I realise that the blocker is Christian.

"Daddy!" Violetta says happily, jumping up and into his arms.

"Hi princess," he greets her, kissing her cheeks. "Did you have a nice morning with Ana?"

"Yeah, I got ice cream." She says, shoving it in his face.

He licks it and laughs before pulling me up into his arms also. He kisses me softly, his eyes quickly doing a once over of my bikini. I can't help but smirk.

"Daddy come to the water with me," Violetta insists, breaking his stare.

I chuckle to myself as Christian Grey, clad in a suit, rolls up his pants and saunters down to the ocean with his little girl.

The rest of our day is wonderful. For lunch, we have burgers and then we head over to an amusement park which leaves all our voices hoarse from screaming. When it's time to go back to the hotel later for dinner, I almost don't want to. Christian will be eating with his staff and the company he's meeting with here. I beg to go somewhere with Violetta but he's having none of it.

"You are my girlfriend, Violetta is my daughter," he says, straightening his tie in the mirror. "If anyone at all deserves pride of place there, it's you. I'm not going to have you run off and hide away. I'm showing you off as mine."

He takes my hand, forcing me to stand with him in front of the mirror.

"Look at yourself," he demands. "Do you look like you should be hidden?"

I'm in a silk dress that ends mid-calf and moulds to all my curves in the right places. It's red, bodycon and honestly makes me look like a million dollars. My new figure fills it out in ways it never could before. A delicate _A_ initial diamond necklace hangs against my neck which Christian bought me to wear. I finger it nervously.

He stands behind me now, brushing my perfectly curled hair to one side where he can kiss my neck.

"You're stunning. You're mine. I want to show the world," he whispers into my ear.

My eyes close, savouring his words and the feel of his skin against mine. I feel as his hand makes its way to my hip, squeezing softly once, eliciting a small noise from my lips.

"I bought this dress so I could take it off you again," he murmurs.

I can't help but feel myself get a little wet from this acknowledgement.

"Christian," I say quietly.

"You're going to be the only star at that table tonight," he continues. "I want Andrea and Jessa and everyone else to look at you and know that you're mine. Know that I love you. Know that it's you that's coming back to my bed tonight."

I lean my head back against his shoulder, feeling his erection against my butt. My smile grows.

"Making your staff jealous. That's not very nice Christian," I tease.

He spins me around so fast I can barely blink and looks down at me. "Andrea was rude to you when you worked for me."

I brush my lips against his in gratitude. To know how deeply he cares for me, to know that he won't stand anyone being mean to me feels amazing. I feel the depth of his love with each little admission. Breaking away, he raises his eyebrows at me before smirking.

"And who the hell said I was nice?"

* * *

Dinner is a boring affair.

Everyone is dressed in formal wear, even Violetta has a purple dress on with a bow in her hair. She sits between Christian and I, enjoying her chicken tenders while the rest of us have to eat things I can't even pronounce. As expected, Andrea can't keep her eyes off me. I meet each stare as I sip my wine. As usual, the talk is mainly about work and other boring things. Jessa has gone all out tonight, wearing the most revealing lilac dress I've ever seen. The way she keeps eyeing Christian is making me super testy but it wouldn't be very classy of me to plant one on him while in deep conversation with business partners.

When dessert is finally over, the open bar starts and everyone gets up to drink and mingle. I however am on babysitting duty which means I can't protect Christian from Jessa and Andrea's flirtatious glances.

"Come on princess," I say, lifting Violetta into my arms.

Christian gives us both a kiss before heading off and I make my way back to our suite.

In the bath, Violetta complains when I take out her braids but I promise her I'll do them again in the morning.

"Daddy can't do them," she says with disdain that makes me laugh.

I wash her hair with kid's lavender shampoo which smells amazing. She chatters to me all about how much she enjoyed her day and how much she loves me being here.

"I want you to always be here Ana," she says, with a seriousness that's out of place for such a small child. "At school my friends have mommy and daddy but I only have daddy."

Tears spring to my eyes but I force them away as I lift the jug to rinse the shampoo from her hair. I knew this conversation was bound to happen at some point, I just didn't realise it would be so soon. Violetta isn't like other kids though. She's observant and smart.

I don't know how to answer her. I can't promise her that I'll be her mom, that much I know. I'd never want to break her heart like that. There's still so much healing I have left to do and while I'm making progress every day, I'm still not quite there. How can I be somebody's mother when I'm not quite sure how to fully take care of myself yet?

After I finish her hair, I bundle her in a towel before lifting her out.

"You have the most amazing daddy who loves you so much," I tell her, smoothing back the wet curls from her face. "And I love you too."

She grins, hugging me. For now, that's the only truth I can give her and it will just have to be enough.

After Violetta is fast asleep, I have my own bath, washing away my makeup and changing into pjs. Not long after, Christian comes back, undoing his tie on the way in. After checking on Violetta, he lifts me up and kisses me passionately.

"You're so good with her," he says softly.

I smile but it doesn't quite reach my eyes. He notices and sets me down on the bed.

"What's wrong?" He asks, getting himself undressed.

I debate whether to tell him but after everything we've already been through, I decide that the truth is the best way to go. When I'm finished, he looks at me with thoughtful eyes.

"She's only little Ana, it's natural. It's not the first time she's said it. She's mentioned it to me a few times since starting school. She wonders why she doesn't have a mom."

"I just feel so bad," I admit, lying down.

"Hey," he tilts my chin up with his finger. "Don't. Taking on the role of a mother is probably the biggest commitment you can make. I wouldn't want you to anyway until we were one hundred percent ready."

"I just don't want to disappoint her," I whisper. "Or you."

"You won't," he promises. "Life is all a gamble Ana. Everything is a risk."

"I do love you," I say, sitting up and taking his face in my hands. "I love you and I love Violetta and someday, I hope that I can be more to you both but as for right now..."

A tear leaves my eye and he wipes it away quickly.

"Don't cry," he says softly. "You've come so far. You have no idea how proud I am of you."

This makes me cry even more. I lean into his shoulder while he holds me close.

"You're the most incredible woman I've ever met," he says into my hair. "You're strong and kind and beautiful."

Pulling me back, he gives me a kiss that takes my breath away. But underneath everything, I can see the sadness that lingers in his eyes. Despite everything he's said, I know that the disappointment he feels at not having my entire commitment toward him and Violetta is immense. I wish I could take it all back and promise him the stars but I can't. So, I settle for another kiss.

* * *

 **Longer chapters coming soon, please review xxx**


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